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....And So It Begins.

  1. It's barely been one full day since I last smoked and already my mind and body want me to accelerate the process of recovery. Not (just) recovery from the drug. But recovery in building fragments of myself that I let go. Nevermind that I'm still coming down, lightheaded, and exhausted. Just get it done! Whatever it takes! While I know the road will not be easy, I can't help to think that I'm literally living inside a house with triggering feelings. Not feelings of wanting a hit. But feelings of disappointment, shame, and absolute stupidity for doing what I did. Worse of all? I work from home. It would be much easier if I had a job where I was around other people and if could just move out. But I can't! I have to suffer the torment.

    Even though I feel like a pathetic failure and my self-loathing is fierce, something inside me rises above. For each time I bring myself down with these feelings, something below me lifts me up signaling that failure is not an option. This tug-of-war is emotionally straining. And its barely day one. But in the end, I will side with the part in me that rises above the negative feelings. My will is one thing that cannot be simply smoked away. This is it! Its time to march forward with unbridled intensity! Whatever It Takes!

Comments

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  1. Budgetadvisoryservice
    Good work, keep at it.

    The thing that strikes me about your post is the amount of self awareness you have. A lot of people, especially when in early recovery, really struggle with that. It's gonna make the next steps much more acieveable if you can keep your shit in perspective like that.

    Trust me, it gets much easier and clearer as you get further down the road. Make sure you go easy on yourself and take time out from the environment which is obviously challenging for you. Getting clean is much easier if you do what you can to make it so.

    Tidying up, rearranging the place, getting out for frequent walks and keeping good music playing are all great ways to transform a box of triggers into a nurturing environment. Just do what you can to get rid of those reminders of where you've been. The past is pretty irrelevant now, it's the future, where you don't need to get high all the time, that you need to focus on. That, and the present, where you are marching forward with unbridled honesty.

    I'm really glad I just read your post. It's a very uplifting comment from someone who's going through a very difficult time.

    Thank you for sharing.
    1. DeltaJack
      You are right! The past is irrelevant now. All that matters now is the future! Moving on to success is my ultimate goal. Wanting to get high, spun, and absolutely stupid is just a tarnished memory that I can hopefully forget ever existed.

      I do plan on tidying up around the house and cleaning the walls with 409 and bleach. Hopefully I didn't lose all my strength and can still do work at the gym.

      Thank you for reading!
  2. Mystikevo
    Great entry. I will be following your journal closely, since it hits close to home for me right now. 1 day is always the first step, and no matter what, as long as you have that fight in you there is hope. You are not a failure you are not pathetic, and you are not stupid. You're simply a human being doing the best they can. Really glad to have read this this morning; mirrors some of the same stuff I am struggling with.

    Also, I am new to actually posting stuff, so I apologize in advance if there is anything wrong with what I wrote, or if I violated any rules for posting in Journal comments.
    1. DeltaJack
      Thank you!

      I'm also new to posting stuff. When I first made this journal, I put a story as a description instead of making the description and making the story as an entry lol.

      I'll be checking out your journal stuff too!
  3. Drazy
    I was clean for 2 years. Now im using again and its fucked.

    Im an IV Coke user. I had never IVd coke before until probably 2-3 months ago? Maybe longer idk. I was a long time IV meth user, and meth was addicting but doesnt even come close to IV coke.

    Meth rush was cool, but coke....fuuuuuck.

    All that dopamine being gone fuels the depression. Im hating myself right now. I had so much goin for me, ive been to treatment too many times.

    Idk whats going to happen to me. More treatment isnt ehat i need. I excel in treatment, its real life that i lose.

    Ive been telling myself lately im going to die from this, and its possible. Did a shot last night almost went unconscious. In that moment i realized wow...i just came close. The key is God. Whoever that is.
    1. DeltaJack
      That sucks!

      I'm glad everything is okay and you're still here with us. What ever your idea of God is, or how you approach your now new level of self-awareness, go with it!

      Maybe this is your personal (real) life bringing you back and returning yourself to how proud you once were, and restoring all your success. All it takes is that one stern moment of "Fuck this shit. I'm moving on and getting my life straight" and you'll be alright!
    2. Zodiac-
      The hard part isn't getting clean it's staying clean I was addicted to IV H and I was able to stop by removing myself from that environment but now I relapsed and managed to find it in this new city and I'm having a difficult time stopping but I have stopped before here in this city and I hope I can do it again I will I gave as someone close to me has become addicted and I will not let that person ruin their life il have to stop but I have no support
    3. Chris Kesler
      After a 8 years crack binge, and many time trying to get clean the only thing that works 100% is change of scenery. Drop everything and go, get a job and make sure to stay away from bars and big cities, you will feel bored probably for the rest of your life, been off blow for about 5 years, I have done it occaissionally maybe twice a year since but whenever i am not busy its in my head,u need to be far from dealers and busy, get a job, knit socks, volunteer at a animal shelter, it doesnt matter.
  4. SweetlyMe
    Great insight! I used coke IV once and it was great. My drug of choice is opoids but there's no comparison between the two. The euphoric effects were other worldly. The come down was hell though and I knew then I liked it too much to ever do it again or I would be f***d. Luckily it's not something easily obtainable to me. I wish you the best of luck on beating your demons.
    1. DeltaJack
      Coming off of opioids is no joke! Its easily worse than meth or cocaine. Its awesome that you are one of the strong ones that overcame it and didn't go back.

      Thank you for reading!
  5. Johnny Brasco
    Not to be "that guy" but you sound like my sister thats been doing blues and H for years. Always about to get clean. Best of luck to you, dont beat yourself up if it doesnt work out.