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Endless seeming craving

  1. I'm now 9 days post-surgery and about 4 days (is it a good sign I am actually not sure?) absolutely clean. Unless you count using some zopiclone and then zolpidem for sleep. These are not drugs of abuse for me. They don't get me high.

    But I am completely miserable. Weak from the surgery, worried about the future, feeling hopeless and considering saying fuck it and finding some way to get high. I just dont know how people stand being sober. Nothing I can do interests me at all. I cant do my work. I cant go out, and even if I could there is nobody here I would really call a friend. Not really.

    I've been in bed most of the time for so long I dont know how to live any more. And I dont have the energy or will to figure out how again. That is what it feels like.

    So when I see the doc tomorrow to get my staples out I suspect I will find a way to get opioids as well. And that will make me feel happy for a few days and then I'll feel even worse. But that is how I see the next week unfolding. Fuck.

Comments

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  1. Head_Case
    Calliope,

    I'm so glad I could offer some sense of comfort in your time of need. May I ask how you're feeling after the few days of dilaudid? I hope you're feeling okay.

    I completely relate with the need to distract yourself from the urges...I'm still waiting for mine to go away. I've been spending a lot of time, when I'm not working, listening to music. Old stuff that reminds me of a time before the opiates. It occupies my mind and helps me remember why I'm doing this whole "getting clean" shebang.

    Sending you good vibes and healing white light.

    Head_Case
  2. Calliope
    Thanks Head_Case and Mess
    I've been going day by day. I did get the dilaudid last week and used for a few days... But of course that ended soon, always does given my situation (and just maybe my sliver of remaining good sense).

    Your posts both helped me, honestly. There isnt much that does help except those moments when I could feel utterly alone and I read something here.

    I am pretty much done with the opioids, it is just so slow getting over it whilst trying to recover from this damned surgery and feeling like an alien in my own life. But thankfully I am just completely unable to deal with anything black market so sourcing drugs is beyond my abilities now that I cut off any access to RCs last year. It is only prescribed meds or nothing. And prescriptions are not going to be eternal. I dont want them to be, even if in the moment at the doctor's office I might feel like I want more.

    Up and down, back and forth... always looking for distractions from these damned *urges* to get high and escape my own mind.
  3. mess clean
    Hey Calli,

    I know I'm a bit late to the party. I also know that you have a lot going on in your life...but seeing you list all of your stressors really put things in perspective. I want you to know that I think you're an amazing person for hanging on to your sanity through all this. You might feel otherwise, but really, you're coping much better than most in your situation.

    As you may remember from my chat days, I also had a predilection for those 8 mg hydromorphone tabs. I'd crush one up, divide it into 8 lines, and that would get me through the day. Quitting those seriously sucked, but at least it was short lived. Now, after the accident, I'm taking tramadol. I don't know who's cruel joke it was to lump that stuff in the "opioids" category, but it categorically lacks any such action for me.

    I'm at the point where I'm considering really stupid shit, like cultivating a heroin habit at 40. I know that's dumb and I'd never do it, but that's what I feel and I can't communicate that to my pain management doctor effectively, it appears.

    Anyway, I miss you. I hope things start to look up in your life. Do keep your mind active, as another poster suggested, and keep in mind what's making you feel this way...and that dilaudid is really not a way to make things better. I don't know if you're there yet or even feel like trying, but you could let your doc know that you feel the dilaudid has given you all the relief it can, and that you're ready to start tapering your use. I know it's hard. When the tramadol isn't working, I still snort 1-2 mg of buprenorphine. You know where to find me if you'd like to just vent.

    -MC
  4. Head_Case
    Wow. I thought I was the only one feeling this exact way. I'm about a month and a half clean from my recreational opiates and about a week clean from Subutex. I feel so bored with life and as if I have nothing to look forward to. Every couple hours I would go do a line and go on about my day. That's how I got through the day, and now I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

    I just have to keep reminding myself there is a REASON I am clean, everyone's is different, but we all have a reason we got clean to begin with. In my case, I have a wedding to finance in the next 6 months, am planning on having a baby in the next couple years and I can't do either of those things with an opiate addiction.

    It's fucking hard, but know you are not alone.

    Head_Case
  5. TheBigBadWolf
    Endless seeming.
    That sort of hits it.

    Look, I am on MMT now for what seems an eternity, and for my weight I'm on a dose that should be keeping me well and cravings-free, more so as I do - as you know - habitually smoking cannabis and I stand to allowing me the consumption.
    Cravings for me typically appear when I am feeling weak inside because of what shall come or what happened, mostly appearing as anxiety.
    What is it that makes you fear?
    That you lack your crutches and you're falling?
    You arent falling anywhere, Calli, there is nowhere to fall to, Gravity will hold you on the surface of this planet. Joke aside -
    You could only fall back into old habits and you have been there for long enough to be bored by these, too.
    And yes.
    You definitely should try to get paid for making some course on Iceland.
    I found that photographing makes me forget all druggy shit when I am in it.
    And at last - Who says that living sober is a better life?
    Life is good when you feel content. If you arent content for an inside reason it is good to stop taking drugs. Whether it is okay to let yoirself be influenced into the belief that sobriety is the better way (working place, laws, etc.) I do not dare answer in your place. The answer to that question lies in the depth of your heart, sis.
    1. Calliope
      Thankyou Wolfie love. As always you tell me truth and point directly to where I need to look for more. I miss Mark more than I can say coherently. That is the truth, relevant and also an excuse for me to use every time. More later... for now I must go get these staples out and think about how pain and drugs need not be best of enemies...
  6. Bayarea4
    Calliope, you have been dealing with so much lately. Job loss, possibly losing your sight, physical pain and grieving people who were dear to you on top of all that. Holy cow! These are more setbacks and losses than anyone should have to deal with in a lifetime.

    I wish that cannabis could help you. I know what you mean, though. I have the same problem with anxiety. It's the THC content, supposedly. Even indica strains, which are supposed to be relaxing, give me the blues. They say if you use products that also contain CBN, this counteracts the anxiety (though I haven't tried it yet). You might have better luck with a very small dose. There are also non-psychoactive tinctures that have all the medical benefits without the high. It's worth a try when you're finally legal.

    Dilaudid is scary stuff and extremely addictive, but if it helps your pain I can't say that I blame you for using it.
    1. Calliope
      Honesty compels me to say again that I dont really need the dilaudid for physical pain now that I have had successful shoulder decompression surgery and my neurosurgery caused headaches are largely in the past. The pain I use use it for is much more existential if that makes sense lol. My heart is broken and I dont know how to fix it! But I know dilaudid isnt the answer long term either. So here I am. We'll see how things go this time around
  7. Anyway888
    Hi Calliope, have you ever heard of Iboga. It might be something to consider seeking out to give your mind a reboot. Here's something to look at as an intro;
    .
    Wishing you, all the best.

    Here's one local provider that popped up with a quick Google search;
    1. Anyway888
      woops. http://sacredsoultherapy.ca/
    2. Calliope
      Thanks Anyway888! I have heard of this use of iboga, and I know that (some) psychedelics (in some contexts) can be very useful for people trying to get and/or stay clean from addictive substances like opioids and stimulants. I might consider this in the future... Right now I am too anxiety ridden and alone to consider this therapeutically.
  8. Calliope
    Thanks for the support Bayarea! I havent got much pain, not enough any more to justify use of opioids almost ever (the odd low pressure headache excepted). The desire to use is a result of boredom, loneliness, general misery and a lack of optimism about my life I think. My illness means a loss of vision (the surgery is supposed to prevent my going blind) which along with the headaches and how my meds makes me feel has meant I am on long term disability and not working. My situation (the illness, the death of some significant people in my life this past year, giving up not only my teaching but also a significant book project that I cared about a lot and with co-authors who I have now let down) and stupid choices in the past mean I have ended up spending all my time alone at home, like for months... I need to change how I live my life but doing this is not easy when I am already feeling so depressed and without hope. Staying off the opioids is no easy choice, ever I guess, let alone now for me with everything seems close to impossible.

    I don't use cannabis, it makes me anxious to the point of horror usually, so what would be a good suggestion for many people won't help me (tho being in Canada soon enough there will be no legal barriers at all!) I don't drink either lol... For a drug user I am pretty limited in my types of use these days. And I did get the dilaudid.
  9. Bayarea4
    I'm sorry you feel so miserable, Calliope. You have just been through a lot - stopping opiates, having surgery and dealing with pain and immobility afterward. That's a truckload of stress on your mind and body. Of course you feel shitty. You're entitled. If there is anything you can do to feel better, I wouldn't blame you for wanting to do it.

    Opiods might relieve your distress temporarily for a few days, but if you can't get them (or decide to stay on the wagon), is there anything more healthy you can do that would take your mind off your misery without triggering your addiction? Can you have a glass of wine or some soothing herbal tea? Can you watch TV, read or do crossword puzzles to keep your mind occupied? Is there an addiction hotline you can call for moral support? If you are in a legal MJ state I would recommend cannabis as a pain reliever and mood elevator, but I'm assuming that if you had access to MJ you would not be struggling with opioid addiction in the first place.

    If all else fails, just remember that you are not your feelings, and feelings don't last forever. The depression and pain you are going through are temporary. If you can find it within yourself to stick it out for a while longer, you'll be OK again in a few days. But if you start taking opioids, you'll fall right down that rabbit hole again and you'll never be OK. So hang in there, take care, and good luck to you.