#1: Backstory & 3rd Sobriety

By RockytheRock · Sep 1, 2016 · ·
  1. RockytheRock
    Blog Post #1
    1st September, 2016

    Pri Drug: Methamphetamine (Smoke)
    First use: March '14 - July ’14
    Second use: June ’15 - Dec ‘15
    Third use: June ’16 - Sept ‘16

    Current: 2 days sober

    Other Drugs: Caffeine (Coffee, Energy Drinks, on & off for 8 years)
    Current: Sober for 2 weeks

    Alcohol (Bourbon, Beer, on & off for 7 years)
    Current: Sober for 6 weeks (although 1 or 2 drinks once a week)

    Nicotine (regular smokes, on & off for 8 years)
    Current: Sober for 6 months (Although 5 smokes consumed, last smoke last Sunday 28.8)

    Ecstasy (pills, 2 years, began in Jan ‘13)
    Current: Sober since Feb ‘15

    Current situation: Career work part time (whenever I can get work)
    Income work weekends
    Study full time (mon - fri)

    I apologize for the backstory ^^, I just figured I’ve only been a member for a week and a half, although I have contributed everyday, some people still might not know my backstory. Not revelling much I thought some insight would help.

    I also apologize to those people who have been waiting for this blog… I did mention I was going to do it 2 days ago, but didn’t feel up for it, also yesterday I was busy with a friend and to be honest, my mind wasn’t even focused on DF or anything drug related, I guess that’s a good thing right?

    This blog has changed so much… I was going to delete my previous feelings, but I thought I’d keep them as they could be a good insight to how I was feeling then compared to now.

    So I’ll begin…

    Before DF…
    I’ll keep this short.

    It all started in mid 2013, when I met the girl of my dreams, let’s call her Crystal (crystal meth, get it?), we were both partying at the time, and she had meth for months before meeting me, but I only tried it a few times, anyway. In 2014 we both stopped it, but I made a new friend who sold it, and he started selling me meth for a while… my first use (4 months), and I stopped it because I lost my job and I didn’t have any money. Fast forward to June ’15, I came in contact with an old friend, and he knew people, so I started doing it again with him. And over the spring (in Australia) I was working a lot so I continued to do it, but I found myself starting to get addicted, and of course Crystal didn’t know I was doing (in fact she never knew I bought any meth in the first place), so I wanted to stop for her… and I did, although she didn’t know it, she kept me stable, and I always told myself that I think I would have completely lost it had it not been for Crystal, boy was I right.

    But I digress, I smashed my glass pipe, deleted every contact from my phone and never wanted anything to do with it again. Sure I did think about it, but I wanted to grow a future with Crystal and abusing meth wasn’t the answer. Things with us were good, until June ’16, I went out with some friends and tried meth again, and a stupid idea was to bring the pipe back home with me. Now Crystal did find out I done it, but not cause she found the pipe… but I was paranoid when she asked what happened when I went out, so I told her I done meth… little did I know she just wanted reassurance I wasn’t being a cunt (I was a dickhead when we first met, cheating on her, lying to her), which basically was the reason for our breakup.

    She didn’t break up with me because I done meth behind her back, she broke up with me because I didn’t tell her straight away, and lied… and it reminded her of all those horrible feelings she got when we first got together, and so I had to move out of our lovely home.
    We didn’t end on bad terms, and we said we would still be friends… but really the continuation of talking is just an excuse, it’s more of a waiting game of something potential that could happen.

    3 years, my longest relationship, I was going to marry this girl.. I still want to, moved in with her, changed my ways and my life for her, and I was happy to do that, I was happy to do everything for her… call me whipped if you want, but this honestly made me happy to see her smile.

    July ’16 - Aug ‘16

    At first it was hard… not living with her, I didn’t know what to do with myself. She would cook for me, clean the house, while I would work and provide.. it was your classic man-works-woman-cleans situation, we both go to university, have our own business and working towards our life goals. But everything changed, and I know it sounds silly… but being in a relationship for 3 years where the woman does half of your daily chores, you forget once you live alone, it takes a few days to register that “Oh shit, I need to do washing” or “shit that’s right, I need to cook food otherwise I’ll be eating junk food everyday”

    I found I started drinking more… not a lot, about a 6 pack every 2 days, but compared to before, when I would have 1 or 2 drinks every few months, it was defiantly a change. And I didn’t know it then, but it helped ease the pain, I just thought I wanted a drink just because, but let’s be honest, I was crying anymore, I wasn’t thinking about her every second, only a few times a day, but the pain was slowly being relieved.

    Also I was still occasionally using meth, but at this stage it was still a party drug, once every few weekends I would get on it… that was until I bought my first teener in one go. This is where I spiralled. I stopped drinking, was still not smoking. But I became a daily user, I don’t even know why, I mean I know the sub-liminal reason why but I don’t even know what my excuse was in my head.

    Perhaps it was the fact that for the past month or so I was feeling in the dumps about the breakup and meth helped me get motivated? Because I did still have tons of assignments due for university. Perhaps that was it, whatever it was… it became a daily thing, and I started feeling guilty and shit about it, but I didn’t stop. Not because I was ‘chasing the dragon’, I knew damn well I would never feel high or super motivated like I first did, but because it was a habit, and I had money to spend, and it was easily assessable. All these stupid reasons was enough for me to continue my daily use, even when it got to a point where I knew I was doing it daily for the first time, and sometimes my stomach hurt due to lack of food or sleep.

    But instead of giving it up.. I decided to go to DF and look up ways to stay healthy on it, yes I can thank you guys for helping me on that, and I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t start searching that… but I also wouldn’t be here if I decided that instead of staying healthy on meth, I should just quit?

    Regardless I’m here now so there’s no point it thinking what if? look to the future.
    And so I have up coffee, and energy drinks, and anything sugary, I started drinking a shit load of water and trying to stay as healthy as possible… which worked, I was still a bit in the dumps but life was going okay. I was daily using, but no stomach aches, I would sleep 5 out of 7 days in the week, and getting work done.

    Let’s fast forward to my current situation, me and Crystal have been talking since the breakup… just as friends, we hang out… still go to dinner sometimes, I sleep over there occasionally which is nice, and it’s good to see her face. But there has been no progress toward either getting back together or officially splitting apart, maybe that’s because my mind has been so focussed on staying healthy on meth, whatever the case she is still here which means she is here for a reason.

    Oh yeah I almost forgot, when I started using again, I also met this girl… let’s call her Tina, I met her while going out one night, and she is a party girl… but doesn’t do any drugs. She also is unaware of my drug use but I think she is starting to like me, she knows about my breakup and she knows my situation (everything apart from the drugs), so we are taking things slow, at the moment there’s nothing official there, just sex.. but it’s nice to have her around.

    Wednesday 31st August, 2016.
    I woke up yesterday with the woman I’ve been seeing for a few weeks now, Tina, not sure how long it’s been, but it’s been kind of nice.. despite me not being myself, I feel I don’t know how to act around her with being high, because every time I’ve been with her I’ve been under the influence. Perhaps this is who I am when I’m with her? Pretty pathetic excuse right?

    Anyway, I made her breakfast and we both had a pretty busy day, I had been smoking the night before but got a little sleep, we both had things to do and so she left at about 1.. I had lots to do as well… but I was silly and literally didn’t do a thing all day or night, and then came a really scary moment of my life. I hadn’t smoked since Monday, Tina stayed over so I couldn’t smoke all night, I didn’t smoke at all yesterday, but come the night I started to get these really weird feelings, like high feelings but only half of them… and they weren’t enjoyable.

    Perhaps I was tired? But I got 4 hours sleep the night before at all Tuesday, I was just coming down. I started to get minor blurry vision and things seemed really far away, like I had to squint my eyes to see my phone and computer, it lasted 5-10 minutes before slowly easing off. I still don’t know why it happened, it just happened all of the sudden, and this is the same batch I’ve been smoking for a week. I mean I’ll still blame it on the drug, as it was a clear indication, but I don’t know why or what bought it on… seemed very random.

    Anyway it did scare the shit out of me and I went to bed, although I didn’t fall asleep until 2 am, I vowed I would try and give it up again.
    So here I am.. day 1 of my sobriety, hard day but I have things I needed to do yesterday, so I’ll do them today.

    Sorry for the long post, it turned out to be longer than I thought, but now you know my backstory… hopefully things will be put in place a little better.

    Blog Post #1.2
    So I didn’t post my blog because I just knew that I would come back to it… perhaps I should consider writing a post, and then actually blogging it before I’m due for bed, maybe then I’ll commit to the idea?

    Anyway.. today was interesting, it’s currently Wednesday night, I did get lot’s done today, didn’t get any of my business work done (which isn’t really a priority) but still, in terms of my situation, I still haven’t touched the pipe, thought about it though.
    I know my sobriety won’t last long, not because I’m addicted (well I am), but because I also received my business shifts today. I’m working next week, 38 hours in 3 days, 1 of those days I start at 5am and I’ll be working for 16 hours, and another day I’ll be working 14 hours, so there’s no doubt in my mind I’ll start using for those.
    But I do have a plan, I’m going to try and stay sober until then at least, have my first pipe when I start working, I figure at least I got some sobriety in, and my body would have had time to recover, so hopefully the meth will actually help me push through the shift. I can sleep Monday as I’m only doing 8 hours, and then hopefully the meth will help me push through my 14 hour shift as well.

    The only 2 issue's that I have with this is, well 1) I only have a little amount left, probably get me through my first shift.. so I’ll be required to buy more, and because I’m an addict I won’t buy what I need for that 1 day, I’ll buy my usual that last’s me a week and therefore come mid week… I have no work until the weekend and almost a full bad of meth.
    The other issue is, I don’t want my first shift to come, I smoke and then I get high, even if it’s for the first hour, I hate being high at work, you know the feeling of being high. I don’t mind being motivated and constantly moving, that helps in my job, but I don’t want that spacey, talkative type feeling of euphoria.

    Anyway, back to today, it sucks being tired but I know it’s just one of those things, I haven’t really talked to Crystal or Tina today, they have both been busy. But I’m sure to be seeing Crystal tomorrow… we both have some time and she just got back from a small working holiday, so I guess that’s something to look forward too.

    Anyway, I should get some sleep, night.

    Blog Post #1.3
    It’s Thursday morning, like 2am… wow, so much has happened over the past 12 hours it’s been unbelievable.

    I’ll start in respect to the time, it was about 10pm since I wrote my last blog post, and I was playing around on the computer, txting Crystal as well about catching up tomorrow when things kind of spiralled out of control. We started talking about why we broke up, and how I’ll never change and what not, I was saying I have, anyway. Things got heated and they ended on bad terms, basically her telling me to never talk to her again, and luckily I didn’t have the nerve to send the extremely pissed off text that I wrote (that for sure would have ended our friendship, trust me it was horrible and brutal), instead I deleted the text and wrote a much more stern, but nicer text message.

    Now I’m sitting here.. in front of the computer typing as a way to distract myself. I have a fully cleaned, fully loaded meth pipe sitting next to me. I am yet to melt it down, I feel that once I start I’ll just get high tonight and I REALLY want to try and quit.
    But I know I won’t quit… because I have some long shifts coming up as I explained before, maybe I’ll just browse the forums for a bit, who knows… maybe I’ll cave?

    …and please… don’t give me that shit about that caving in, how I’ve done so well, I’m in a lot of pain at the moment, and yes I’m aware that’s no excuse, but I don’t fucking care what anyone has to say right now.

    Blog Post #1.4
    Ok… my final update before I actually post.

    Just so you guys know… I didn’t end up smoking, I did end up going to bed. I kept hearing all these noises, from the kitchen, from outside, it was doing my head in because I know they were just in my head, or even if they weren’t, I was being paranoid that it was a human or something. also I couldn’t get to sleep… I was wide awake.
    So I messaged Tina, luckily she was awake, and I went over there, that way I knew that I couldn’t get paranoid, I couldn’t smoke or anything because she was there to keep me stable. and I ended up falling asleep.

    Woke up this morning and left fairly quickly, we both had things to do. And I got them done and haven’t thought about touching the pipe… I honestly think I can make it to Sunday, and I know this because today Crystal text me. Responded to my fairly nice message and although we haven’t really worked things out, we are going to dinner tonight, we both apologised for last night (we stand by what we said but were sorry for how it got out of control).

    It’s currently 4pm and I’m seeing her in about an hour and a half, I still feel shit… I think I’m getting sick or something, but I’ve been eating heaps and getting some sleep. Whether I stay at Crystal’s or mine tonight, I know I’ll get a good nights sleep. The pillows last night were uncomfortable as fuck, and my neck hurts, don’t exactly want to stay over there again to be honest.

    Anyway… I REALLY REALLY apologize for the long blog post… it turned out much longer than I thought… but if you’re still reading and read everything that I wrote, then I commend you, and thank you for taking an interest into my life. I honestly feel like this is the only place where I can express everything I am feeling, and I’ve never been a guy to express things before, still not really.. but this is a non-judgmental, understanding and supportive place.

    Thank you DF - Rocky.

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  1. titaniumhunter
    Rocky I just want to say that I've read your blog, and no apologies necessary about the length. Life is not a one liner. I've said this before and may have even said it to you but IMHO when someone even starts to consider quitting meth then, even though it may be under the surface, then that is what they want to do.
    When it's all fun and games most people don't even think about quitting. But leaving a drug like meth behind is easier said than done and accomplished by many different ways and means and different rates.
    Working though your use by blogging your thoughts and feelings seems pretty valuable to me not just for yourself, but for others and even those who are now clean. Thank You for your time and effort.
  2. catherinejoy
    Keep it up! It's good for you to be getting your thoughts on paper and you write well. I'm interested in what's come next. You're doing really well, and most importantly doing your best so be kind to yourself
  3. RockytheRock
    Thank you for the kind words and the read... you know I've never been one to write my thoughts down or even talk about how I feel at all.

    But I found just writing things down when I'm feeling emotion, doesn't necessarily help me then. But the next day, I look back on what I wrote (especially the times when I was using heaps in one day and the lame excuses I used), and I just think "wow... I'm fucking pathetic". It actually has helped me.

    Thank you for the read... yeah as I mentioned above, it's surprised me how much getting my thoughts down has helped. I never thought I'd be one of these people that get addicted, I could always kick it whenever I wanted, but I guess I didn't realize how much my ex was keeping me straight.

    I've been writing down my thoughts every few days, but I've got over 10 pages so I'm thinking either tonight or tomorrow I'll cull it down and bit and post blog #2, not much has changed in terms of my life.. but a lot has changed in my thought process.

    Again thanks guys for the read.. I appreciate the support.
  4. Once.up.on.a.time
    Well done Hun keep it up. It's like reading a good book I wanna know what happens next :) if you need to talk please message m ncx
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