Today is the last day of 2015, which will end the year that I decided to kill my addiction. I feel so good about my decision. Feeling good emotional and physically are two different aspects, though.
Currently I feel alright, but that doesn't mean that I felt that way this morning. This morning was a little rough, but not too bad. I ended up waking up at 3 a.m. Of course I didn't mean to get up that early and stay up, but it happened. When I got back in the bed from putting icy hot on my back, Mike decided he wanted to talk. At first I was like, "really? It's freaking 3 in the morning." But, we really needed to reconnect, especially after yesterday.
After we spent our time together, I worked out and got ready for work. Man oh man, did my back hurt or what, though. It seemed like nothing was wanting to work. It took a mixture of icy hot, suboxone, goody powders, alka seltzer, sex, working out, and a scolding hot shower to get my back feeling somewhat manageable.
I can remember before my addiction that my back was always in agony. I really hope that is not going to be the case now. I do NOT want to go back to those little devils, but I surely hope that my back pain becomes manageable with time and effort.
Today is day 6!! It feels amazing to say that. I am estimating that I will be done with the subs tomorrow. I'm nervous about how I will feel after they are gone, but I need to get off those, too, before they become another issue. The last thing I want is to trade one addiction for another. I think I'm doing good, let's just hope and pray that this confidence stays the same with time.
I think that one of the things that really helps right now is the fact that I'm not seeing the individual that I get it from. Although, I know that I HAVE to see him next week, so my nerves are definitely risen over that matter. Fingers crossed that I'm capable of maintaining this confidence. UGH!
My brother will be home in 6 days, though. I got the number of days wrong yesterday. For some reason, I was thinking that yesterday was Tuesday. Why?! Who knows?! lol. I will be happy to see him and I'm really hoping that he's capable of maintaining himself. I think that we can be eachother's rock. He was the only support I had when I got clean last time, so I know that he understands what I'm going through.
I can remember laying in the bed, smelling like a man's locker room, and him sitting right next to me with no complaints. Of course he told me that I stunk, lol, but it was brotherly love! He made sure I had everything I needed, even stayed the night with me to make sure I was ok. That is definitely love and respect right there. I sure do miss him :/
But anywho, there's my blog entry for the day, just a bunch of rambling from this girl. If anyone is reading this, stay strong, you have this!
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