Hitting bottom is about as funny as Hitler. I spent three long years falling and smashing into the cracked concrete repeatedly until I got sober. I am doing my best to learn to laugh again otherwise I just cry all the fucking time. I hope none of these has happened to you because all of them in one way or another happened to me. Enjoy the hilarity of getting as low as it gets. My own personal "Springtime for . . ." I'll bet you can relate to one or two.
1. Your friends have put you at the top of their dead pool.
2. You have friends that have a dead pool.
3. You try and justify being angry all the time as being "passionate."
4. You think that "it's just business, not personal" when you start selling your mother's jewelry at pawn shops.
5. You keep telling people that you just "took a shower" when they ask why the hell you're sweating so much in 10 degree weather.
6. Everyone is an asshole, except of course you.
7. You tell yourself that if you rob that little old lady you will, one day, "pay it forward".
8. You start to understand that lying is just fucking lying and not "improvising."
9. You convince yourself that instead of a sandwich, three King Cobras will give you the same nourishment.
10. You are convinced that your partner won't even notice their ring is missing.
11. You'd rather use than fuck.
12. You'd rather use than eat.
13. Your dealer stops taking your calls.
14. You strongly consider doing gay porn.
15. You drink in between the vomiting.
16. You tell yourself that blacking out is okay because your great grand-dad was an Irishman.
17. You think Denzel should have just friggin' lied at the end of Flight.
18. You have been 86'ed from every bar in Manhattan and two in Queens.
19. You still blame 9/11 for making you use.
20. You think that "Gentlemen Jack" will actually make you a nicer drunk.
21. You tell your son that a DUI is a "rite of passage."
22. When you cut yourself on the crackpipe you take the hit before you tend to the wound.
23. You tell yourself that going to jail for a few days was your bottom. You have no idea how much lower it's gonna get.
24. When your partner lends you money for groceries, you tell them you were mugged.
25. You still blame Lou Reed for making you use.
26. You tell yourself that if Keith Richards can get away with it then, hey, so can you. You tell this to yourself while homeless and 40.
27. You see an old colleague's face plastered on the side of the bus you couldn't afford to get on.
28. You see not one but three old colleagues' faces plastered on subway posters while you beg for a "swipe."
29. You had a really great career and now you're just hoping to get published in The Fix.
30. You allow total psychos to talk you into going into business with them. Despite the fact that upon meeting them every fiber in your being is screaming "PSYCHO!!!"
31. You get so desperate to perform that you do a gig for no money, no audience, and the material has absolutely no funny.
32. You have to call former students that respected the hell out of you and ask them if you can crash on their couch. Goodbye respect.
33. You know that the only way to avoid a certain overdose is to get out of NYC and into a cabin in the woods, because you sure as shit can't afford rehab.
34. Rehabs actually reject you because you take suboxone.
35. No matter how much you want to blame your being an asshole on being an "artist" you start to realize that you were just a drug addled asshole.
Dillon Murphy is a pseudonym for a comedian who has written about being addicted to suboxone, and, a year later, how he finally kicked suboxone.
by Dillon Murphy, thefix.com
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