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  1. pinky808
    cue the babbling

    Hello Drugs Forums Friends;

    It's been a while since I've posted anything on here, including a blog. There's been so much that's happened in my life in the past year and a half. I can't believe it's December. I'm happy to say that I am living a new life now Opiate free, completely.

    The start of my journey to actual recovery was on September 27th 2012. That's when I left everything in Hawaii to move to Las Vegas. I left my at the time boyfriend, my friends, my family, my dogs, my previous life completely. I needed to move to conquer this horrible addiction that had taken ahold of me tremendously... In my previous posts you can see how much of a struggle it was. It still continues to be. Not so much the craving of the drug as the craving for something, anything, to fill this void within me that still is present.

    Although I am grateful that I had the opportunity to move to Vegas to detox... let's just say it wasn't the place for me. I was living with my alcoholic sister in a place where there's no real beauty (in my eyes at least) and nothing to do but party. I didn't go there to party, I went there to get off the drugs and start a new life for myself which I did. Vegas had it's ups and it's downs. Mostly downs. By December I was so fed up with dealing with my sister and the whole lack there of community and desolation that I up and moved to Seattle on December 26th 2012.

    How I got these opportunities? I would have to thank my parents and God for that. I was so depressed in Vegas. I had put on a considerable amount of weight from drinking and eating (lots of pasta... despite my sister being crazy, she's a good cook ;))

    I spent 3 months in Vegas, then I was off to Seattle. I think of Vegas as more of my "recovery" phase of life. Even though I hated it there, I had to experience it. I had to see what could become of me... Many, not all, of the people who live in Vegas are just haggard. I need real beauty and good energy around me.

    I happened to find my (now former) Seattle roommate on Craigslist a few weeks prior to moving there. I got really lucky with him although our arrangement ultimately didn't work out. About a month after I moved to Seattle, my (then) ex boyfriend passed away. (I had mentioned him in my former posts, and had broken up with him when I moved away from Hawaii).

    Let's just say shit was crazy.
    1. Someone so close to me has just died, suddenly... last conversation we had together was a horrible one.
    2. It was my first winter ever. I was struggling to find what gear to use and I was just feeling really alone, yet optimistic.
    3. I was still struggling from getting off the drugs, being away from my friends and family.

    It was one of the hardest times of my life. I tried hard to stay strong, I had a new job and I did persevere. I don't even know how I did it all. I really know that God had been and has been watching over me during this time.

    You really realize your strengths when you're put through the gnarleyest of positions. I have this feature about me though, that I just keep going. When times get tough. I say fuck it and just look straight ahead. I have to.

    Something that's helped has been me telling myself that I am the main character of my book. For some reason that gives me power. I hope maybe some of you can remind yourselves of that and I can ensure you that you will benefit!

    There's a happy part to this all. In the darkness came light in who is my now boyfriend. We'll call him Monkey. He came to me when I was at my weakest, and I to him when he was at his weakest. For the first time in my life I have a stable relationship that isn't clouded by drugs and drinking. I could go on and on gushing about how amazing my Monkey is but I will save that for later posts. We've been together for around 10 months now.

    Over that time I have moved in with him, got my CNA certificate (so done with waitressing) and am in a healthy relationship. It isn't perfect by any means but it is worth so much to me.

    All that said, not everything is dandy lions and butterflies fluttering fluently through the meadows.

    I struggle. I struggle badly. I struggle to get out of bed. I struggle so much with my anxiety, with my sleep, I worry so much.

    It's so hard sometimes. Some days I don't even know how I will get through the day. I pray. I say "God, please just help me get through this day." and it helps, but it's still hard. (I find praying in the shower to be relaxing)

    On the 26th of this year will be my 1 year anniversary of living in Washington. I guess this is my recap for any of you who may have remembered me.

    I'm praying for all of you out there with your struggles. I know how hard it is. It still is.

    How are you all coping? I'd love to hear your suggestions and your experiences.

    Namaste,
    Pinky










Comments

  1. LadySue
    I just wanted to thank you for popping back in with your update. As someone in earrrly recovery from opiates, it gives me so much hope to know it really can be done. LOVED the "I am the main character of my book". That will definitely stick with me. Continued happiness to you!
  2. pinky808

    No problem LadySue :) I found it very inspiring and still do to read people's experiences who are in the same boat as us. Know you're not alone girlie. It's hard. It's painful for me to think about how many of those who are close to me still struggle and struggle hard.

    Heck, I'm still struggling too! But I feel sooooo much better not being scared of the withdrawal. Seriously exercise, yoga, and a clean diet is what is essential. I know it's said time and time again but it's true.

    Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
  3. LadySue
    Thanks Pinky - yea, that fear of wd is immobilizing and is usually what made me make the call for more. In hindsight however, I have found that almost 90% of the time I completely overplayed it in my head. Don't get me wrong - it definitely S U C K S. But I've come to realize how much I've allowed fear to keep me right where I was - fear of withdrawal, fear of not feeling "good" any more, fear of social situations when not "on", could go on and on.

    Unfortunately due to some chronic pain issues, exercise isn't really an option at this point. I am working on ways to deal with that besides the meds. Have an acupuncture appt. this Saturday and I do want to look into yoga. My diet always gets much better when I'm off the crap. It's amazing to realize how much the meds contributed to my wanting sugar...crazy.

    Anyway, was wondering if you would mind if I use "I am the main character of my book" in my signature line (giving you credit of course!!). I really love it - empowers me to remember that I create my reality and I absolutely DO have a choice in my today.

    Hope this finds you well and thanks again! xxoo
  4. pinky808

    Hey girl glad to know you're making good progress! It's freaking hard as shit and I know that first hand. But it's great if you have a good sense of humor about it I suppose. Which is just what I'm doing because I choose to have a "fuck it." (in a good way) attitude about it. We gotta deal with it but once you're out of it you really do have your life and sooooo much more back. I don't even want to begin listing all the good things that have happened to me since quitting. I mean, it's too much to list but the point is that when we're so focused on picking up (which was my main hobby back in the day, I was getting like no exercise while in my addiction) we don't have any time or put any thought into any other parts of our life. And we don't even realize on how many positive things we're seriously missing out on.

    So I just try to continue to look forward. I'm always coming across struggles. My anxiety and depression have been pretty bad lately. But I'm getting through it and I will continue to just keep going because I have to. That's where I relate to your "fear" issues. I feared withdrawals too when I was having them, which led to the call which led to the relapse. But now I fear other things. I fear people being mad at me, not being accepted, just general anxiety. So it's something that I'm working on to. You're not alone. But don't get me wrong, it's much better than fearing being sick the next morning. After so many years of dealing with all those withdrawals I was seriously at the point of wanting to die. I'm so blessed to have gotten out of it and I encourage you to continue to strive! You really can do it! Do whatever it takes because you will be amazed at the sunshine that will come through. Everyday it gets better.

    I'm excited for your acupuncture appointment! I've been wanting to go. Let me know how it goes for you. I really am sending my positive thoughts your way. I appreciate you taking the time to read my blog and be an encouragement as well.

    as far as that "be the main character of my own book" of course you can use it :) no worries!

    Let me know how everything goes for you. Looking forward to hearing about the acupuncture!

    Take care,
    Pinky
  5. LadySue
    Hi Pinky: Thanks for the encouragement :) So far so good. Just started counseling and I'm excited about that. As for the acupuncture...DEFINITELY give it a try. It can most certainly help with anxiety and depression. I kinda feel 'high' afterwards, which makes sense given an endorphine release due to the needles. This last time he also included needles to aid in detoxing....felt fucking AWESOME the rest of the day. See him again on the 19th.

    If you decide to go, let me know how it works for you would ya?

    Also thanks for letting me quote your line...it has been in my head since I read it. Feeling a bit of that sunshine you talk about....and I want an all over tan ;) xx
  6. pinky808
    LadySue! So good to hear, my soul sister. I've been procrastinating (I have the WORST habit of that...) getting acupuncture for far too long! Now I'm reaaallly needing it (see future post ;)). Anyway, I'm truly happy to hear you had a good time with it. Not sure how familiar you are with Naturopathic medicine but I have been dipping my toes in it and I'm continuing to go that route on my recovery wagon.

    Problem is, I have no insurance. Not yet at least. Damn you, America! Hopefully that will change soon.

    I will update you on how my future Naturopathic and acupuncture sessions go, and I'm looking forward to hearing from you as well.

    I really appreciate the positive encouragement and you are inspiring to me. I get excited to come on here and see how you're doing. Keep up the good work, and get that tan girl! :vibes:
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