cue the babbling
Hello Drugs Forums Friends;
It's been a while since I've posted anything on here, including a blog. There's been so much that's happened in my life in the past year and a half. I can't believe it's December. I'm happy to say that I am living a new life now Opiate free, completely.
The start of my journey to actual recovery was on September 27th 2012. That's when I left everything in Hawaii to move to Las Vegas. I left my at the time boyfriend, my friends, my family, my dogs, my previous life completely. I needed to move to conquer this horrible addiction that had taken ahold of me tremendously... In my previous posts you can see how much of a struggle it was. It still continues to be. Not so much the craving of the drug as the craving for something, anything, to fill this void within me that still is present.
Although I am grateful that I had the opportunity to move to Vegas to detox... let's just say it wasn't the place for me. I was living with my alcoholic sister in a place where there's no real beauty (in my eyes at least) and nothing to do but party. I didn't go there to party, I went there to get off the drugs and start a new life for myself which I did. Vegas had it's ups and it's downs. Mostly downs. By December I was so fed up with dealing with my sister and the whole lack there of community and desolation that I up and moved to Seattle on December 26th 2012.
How I got these opportunities? I would have to thank my parents and God for that. I was so depressed in Vegas. I had put on a considerable amount of weight from drinking and eating (lots of pasta... despite my sister being crazy, she's a good cook )
I spent 3 months in Vegas, then I was off to Seattle. I think of Vegas as more of my "recovery" phase of life. Even though I hated it there, I had to experience it. I had to see what could become of me... Many, not all, of the people who live in Vegas are just haggard. I need real beauty and good energy around me.
I happened to find my (now former) Seattle roommate on Craigslist a few weeks prior to moving there. I got really lucky with him although our arrangement ultimately didn't work out. About a month after I moved to Seattle, my (then) ex boyfriend passed away. (I had mentioned him in my former posts, and had broken up with him when I moved away from Hawaii).
Let's just say shit was crazy.
1. Someone so close to me has just died, suddenly... last conversation we had together was a horrible one.
2. It was my first winter ever. I was struggling to find what gear to use and I was just feeling really alone, yet optimistic.
3. I was still struggling from getting off the drugs, being away from my friends and family.
It was one of the hardest times of my life. I tried hard to stay strong, I had a new job and I did persevere. I don't even know how I did it all. I really know that God had been and has been watching over me during this time.
You really realize your strengths when you're put through the gnarleyest of positions. I have this feature about me though, that I just keep going. When times get tough. I say fuck it and just look straight ahead. I have to.
Something that's helped has been me telling myself that I am the main character of my book. For some reason that gives me power. I hope maybe some of you can remind yourselves of that and I can ensure you that you will benefit!
There's a happy part to this all. In the darkness came light in who is my now boyfriend. We'll call him Monkey. He came to me when I was at my weakest, and I to him when he was at his weakest. For the first time in my life I have a stable relationship that isn't clouded by drugs and drinking. I could go on and on gushing about how amazing my Monkey is but I will save that for later posts. We've been together for around 10 months now.
Over that time I have moved in with him, got my CNA certificate (so done with waitressing) and am in a healthy relationship. It isn't perfect by any means but it is worth so much to me.
All that said, not everything is dandy lions and butterflies fluttering fluently through the meadows.
I struggle. I struggle badly. I struggle to get out of bed. I struggle so much with my anxiety, with my sleep, I worry so much.
It's so hard sometimes. Some days I don't even know how I will get through the day. I pray. I say "God, please just help me get through this day." and it helps, but it's still hard. (I find praying in the shower to be relaxing)
On the 26th of this year will be my 1 year anniversary of living in Washington. I guess this is my recap for any of you who may have remembered me.
I'm praying for all of you out there with your struggles. I know how hard it is. It still is.
How are you all coping? I'd love to hear your suggestions and your experiences.