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  1. NicoMc
    Update time. Actually not a bad one surprisingly.

    Once again we met up for a chat. Then I went with her and ran some errands.

    Inevitably the subject of drugs came up. I asked loads of leading questions to her about her useage generally. She was upfront with me.

    She has a vague recollection of me calling her last week when she was high as a kite. That was day 1 of another 3 day "messy one" but she felt crappy afterwards. So she's decided to have a break from coke for a little while. Didn't mention any other drugs doing or not doing in that time. Apart from shes sick of fiancées place stinking of weed from him and the flatmate. Again a good sign. She's also got the hump about them leaving some of the drug stuff out and not tidying up generally. Shes not super keen on some of his drug mates either given how they leave the place in a tip when they leave the morning after. So i imagine they'll be a row with the finacee about "his mates" She's also doing that thing girls do in slowly moving in. Shes getting house proud. And actually in a backwards way that's a good thing to me. She's focussing on things other than drugs. She's also aware that lack of work at the moment is not viable, so is investigating another job elsewhere. She seems to know that boredom/too much energy from not working, is whats driving more frequent use. All small steps imo

    She's currently 48hrs clean (bar cigarettes) and said rest of the week off (intent is not actions of course) and then next weekend both her and fiancée have other work commitments. So she's not planning to. (But i expect he will just not with her present) She says that's proof she's not addicted really. (The "crackhead" comment seems to be more of a showing off comment given her company at the time)

    As ever, reminded (re: lied to) her "until you tell me to worry, I won't. If you ever want to talk about it, you can" she said "Of course". Can't say if that would happen of course.

    I don't think she's lying to me about how much they are doing. She even told me who actually got her started on Coke. Was someone I initially suspected. But discounted. We both remarked that "introducer" looks terrible skin wise for someone whose 24. Really haggered and has to trowl the make up on the hide it. Turns out she hasn't spoken to her for a while anyway. Good, another bad person leaving the social scene! Told my mate if she's starts to look shitty I'll tell her!

    Her nose is sill hurting a few days after the events, she knows it's the cut. Had a few "blood out the nose" moments. Which I'll say semi worried her. She's been offered a stronger, purer source but it's 1/2 as much again per gram as she's already paying. So she's not sure, mainly as they've both got money problems. She actually came across really well about it all. She's suggested to fiancée that instead of getting a gram, he gets half a gram she wont have any and puts the rest of the money towards their financial problems and saving for the wedding. Again is this truth? Maybe more intent of truth shall we say.

    Her whole demeanour was lighter, more fun, less hardened. I even told her this. You're NEARLY back to the you I knew months ago! Asked her if the coke was used because of stress in her life? since she was less stressy and also using less. No was the short answer. Its something she likes to do sometimes. And she found when she's had a few to drink if she does some it "helps" her not feel so crap in the morning. Obviously i can't endorse this. i think we're kinda heading back towards the "maybe a little too much" point again. Not the full 4 times a week binge. (He "may" have cut back a little as well) guess there are always peaks and troughs with addiction. This was a good time. If she can build on it. I'll be optimistic. But as ever. Who knows.

    Part of that is obviously being engaged and still in that honeymoon period. There's already a few negative comments creeping in about him to me (Like i said, this won't last in all likelihood. But if she can enjoy her life and use less then i'll think of it as a brief holiday from so much). Incidentally, the engagement ring that was purchased was the cheaper one because he told her she'd have to wait a month for the expensive one. She wasn't prepared to wait. So he caved in. Got the impression he's not massively happy about that. Maybe he thinks he's proposed too soon. But then she says things and he sounds like a spanner with no brain! Relationship with father is on the mend. Her Dad likes the new "BF" As do various exteneded family members. I will meet him in the near future. Tho ugh I said "Not when he's on it. And also somewhere public. Not just rock up to his place!" She was completely fine with that idea. Said he'd obviously asked who this guy was she meets up with and calls. I understand it to be fair. Id ask the same if i had a new GF.

    Subject of "drug dealer than doesn't like me" arose. He's currently banned from fiancees place after he stole their last stash of weed. Apparently he got fired from his day job as well. Good! I hinted that i wasn't much of a fan of his. That he didn't do himself any favours by the way he treated me or my friends when i first met him. "That's kindof him" was the reply. She remarked to me that he (and another of her friends I've met briefly) are at the point where they need it to exist. They simply can't go a day without it. They are addicts! She didn't sound too concerned for them though! Is this the start of a gentle break away from him and his "gangstar mates"? I sincerely hope so!

    Overall, I actually have far more hope for her than a few days ago. I don't think she's clean or even approaching clean yet. And obviously you have to be a little bit sceptical when dealing with regular users. But it's an improvement from last week on so many levels.

    As ever. All comments welcome. (Does anybody know how to "approve comments" Or can i set it to auto approve them?)

Comments

  1. NicoMc
    I'm going to put comments from my thread in the blog as well.


    [Quote]
    Originally Posted by [B]tim2963[/B] [URL="https://drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1672517#post1672517"][IMG]https://img2.drugsforum.eu/button_images//viewpost.gif[/IMG][/URL]
    [I]When it comes to our addicted loved ones, we are often told straight away that there's nothing we can do to save them. But, we try anyway. There's no shame in that, it's ok to empathize and show that you care. But for your sake, set boundaries. You have your own life to live, you can't stay in the shadow of someone who can't return your affection and concern and refuses to help himself . In my experience, all I was able to do was make sure my brother doesn't kill himself. Then there was a brief moment that he wanted to stop and he welcomed our support, no violence, no swearing, he was humble and begging for help. Now my brother is employed and working on a relationship. He's very thankful that he didn't completely destroy my life and our family's. "One burden off my conscience" he said. It's ok to care for your friend. But you should know when to act or wait.[/I][/Quote]



    Thanks for the reply. It's funny really. Over the last 3-4 days or so I've been having that very epiphany. I have to admit it has taken me over a month to finally get it! Probably mainly from reading things on this site.


    As you say, we all know the addicted need to WANT to quit. And until that point occurs. It will never have any chance of success. And the good advice everyone gives is until they reach that point just Let them know you care. And are there for them if they want to chat.

    I thought about this the other day. And I realised that MY problem is that I've said it so many times to her. I just expected her to go "Yeah, you're right. I should quit. Will you help?" As if it was just a case of flicking a switch in her head. And inevitably that's not plausible. It also occurred to me that as one of her few clean friends I'm defiantly in a minority in terms of holding her attention. So I am fighting a battle I can't necessarily win by keep labouring away. She needs to want it.


    I'm sure she hears me saying the words. And I'm sure she believes when/if the moment comes she will talk to me. And I'm VERY sure that she trusts me. But apparently constant sniffing when sitting in a coffee shop or when driving her car. And blood coming out of her nose the morning after are not that point yet. Whereas for most people this may be a cause for concern. Maybe soon it will change, maybe not so soon, maybe never.

    Ultimately you (and tbf a lot of my friends) are right. There is also MY life to live and I shouldn't give up on my happiness or increase my stress. Over the last month, my personal life has suffered a bit. Essentially, I'M ADDICTED to trying to force an issue. Right now, it's not going to make any difference if I'm up all night thinking about it. So it's just wasting energy. I've done the research from this site. I know what will help if she ever decides to quit. I know what to say and do at that point. But she needs to get to that point first, on her own.

    I read on another forum. Someone had done the "Let them know you care thing" by calling their friend every 5-7 days. "How have you been recently?" I'm still her friend, but that's the route I'm going to try and take. Back it off. Not be so intense. Try and focus on other things but her health. Focus on myself. My hobbies, my personal relationships. My work. Give myself a break from it. Otherwise it will just end up doing me in and then I'll be no good to anyone. Let alone her.

    As ever, thanks for the replies and comments everyone.
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