So I did it, I finally made 60 days!!!! I want to thank my dealer, who disappeared 2 months ago with my money and my scale, I'd like to thank my friends for not giving in and finding me drugs, and my new cat, for giving me hope....
Yes that is my academy award speech. I posted "60 days" on Facebook, I'm afraid some of my family will be disappointed in me for relapsing, instead of relishing in my being sober. You know I'm only sober because I lost my contacts, if it was readily available I'd be high. At least I am willing to face that reality and admit to it. I mean I could go desperately asking friends that used in the past, but that's not me. I could make it, it crossed my mind... and thankfully left just as quickly.
So then why do I feel so disconnected, lonely, and sad. I haven't been clean this long in years!!! I feel this is the only place that gets me, other than my "kid". I've gained 25 pounds, I stopped taking part in my own life, and some days I can't stand to get out of bed and face the world.
For about 10 years I was seriously overweight, quit dating, and buried myself in my work. 3 years ago, when they put me on Ritalin, I lost a bunch of weight, came out of my shell, started dating, started living. I feel like amphetamines gave me a second chance at my life.... a little window... a little taste... but, now back to what you really are... fat, uninteresting, boring, and unreliable. I know I'm being hard on myself. But believe me it's better to get this stuff out then letting that kind of crap ruminate in my head.. I'm sure you can see where that would lead...
I guess I've just been looking back on the past few years, knowing a change has to happen soon. The last two days I have been craving something fierce. Not nearly as bad as when I got back from treatment. Not sure what I'm craving... something to numb me, alter my consciousness.. in a way I miss going through life as a zombie.... is there really a purpose to life? A true meaning? I used to think I knew... but now, not so much. These days I do what I can on support sites, or here to help out other people. But will I ever be able to walk among the living again, be a participant in life with something to contribute. I suppose I need to figure out what I wanna be when I grow up, can't go back to my old profession, physical limitations won't allow for it.
And you know what is truly disgusting, I make more money not working than I ever could have hoped for when I was working. Our government is screwed up that way, and most of it is non-taxable. But I was happier, making less money, and working, than I am making more money not working. That's how you lose yourself, life get's boring, why get up.
I was going to do outpatient treatment just for something to do.. but when they said.. "so this will be your 2nd time in treatment?" I changed my mind, I didn't realize they were keeping count, and made me feel like a failure, like I need anymore help with that.
Although my new kitty Max does help to brighten my pathetic life... I can't wait to write the line "my once pathetic life". And I'm not looking for compliments or some sort of validation. Seriously this my way of getting it out, and if it can be interesting, or some sort of entertainment to others, so be it. It's nice to have a place to spew out your feelings of inadequacies in this messed up world. I've been trying so hard to find a connection with an old friend. A "romantic" spark if you will, someone who gets me, understands me and accepts me... and just like 20 years ago, it's just not there.. WTF is wrong with me!!!
-Listening to Ed Sheeran "The A Team"-
I think that's about it for me tonight.. the end to another purge session. One of the reasons I am not only a donating member, but also a contributing member to this site.. is because of all it gives me in this struggle.. the friends, the support, the distraction, and my blog. Yes I know, a little more selfish than just "helping others", it helps me a lot.
::burnt lungs, sour taste::
::She's in the Class A team, stuck in her daydream::
Sorry singing along....
::Cos we're just under the upperhand, and go mad for a couple grams, And she don't wanna go outside tonight::
And with that... until next time... Peace out
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