I've been up since 4:00am with an insane desire to redose on AM2201. I've redosed three times. I missed last nights seroquel. For all it's faults, especially the blackouts, at least the night squirrels don't get fidgety under it.
I so want to redose again. Both with seroquel and AM. I feel I need to be sedated. The drive to valium has begun. Knowing I'm messing my taper drives wedges into me.
Fuckit, AM redose. My tolerance is so high, I have a working range from niiiice to slammed to the moon and back. I'm going for nice.
Valium and seroquel can go fuck for another hour or two. I've not felt this symbiotic drive to anything before seroquel came on the scene, but that co-incided with AM. Maybe I'm blaming the wrong thing and mis-interpreting the data to suit my prejudice, which re-inforces that prejudice toward blind acceptance of a highly disputable fact and promotes behaviour to support it too. Hence on my fourth hit of AM now, then'll come the firelock, body shakes and shivering. Then'll come the cold and the headache followed by loving bollocking from wife for not taking the bloody things, which reinforces things. See the bloody loop there?.
They did suppress the nightmares and unlock happy memories though, and they did quell some of the nasty thoughts, but at the cost of nodding out.
7:26. Like that.....Fuck. Feel I should take one now and full dose later. Bollocks. What's that feeling connected with?
Fuck. I'm addicted. Now feel I need to take one. Just the thought drove need to a near headrush of predicted discomfort if I don't.
Why prescribe an addict something that makes co-dependence so nice, encourages increased use and amplifies withdrawals. My guess is it's fucking with my natural dopamine and serotonin. Supressing my production as well as blocking uptake. This'll drive me down, so I quest to augment it. It clamps harder though. So hard. It drives the withdrawals so hard you fail. The cost for that small benefit is very high, balanced by the benefit of some sleep and quelling of the daymonsters.