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7 Steps to Smoke Pot and Never Get Caught

  1. Phungushead
    Most pot smokers never get arrested. So, what are they doing right?

    I’ve been smoking marijuana since July 4, 1990, and it recently occurred to me that I have never been caught by law enforcement for doing so. I don’t feel like I’ve done very much to avoid getting caught. A quick Google search on my name will reveal more than enough evidence of my marijuana use.

    So how is it that I’ve been able to avoid detection, arrest and imprisonment for my frequent use of the wacky tobaccy for over two decades?

    First of all, let’s recognize that most people who smoke pot are like me – they don’t get caught. While in America there are indeed a ridiculous 850,000 or more marijuana arrests every year, there are also 29 million people using marijuana in any given year. So just in raw numbers, any given pot smoker has only a one-in-34 chance of being arrested this year.

    But that’s in any given year and I’ve been toking for 22 years. A lot. By raw chance I should have been arrested by now for weed, yet I haven’t attracted even a second look from a police officer for smoking pot. What am I doing to avoid arrest for pot?

    Step #1: Be White

    Without a doubt the number-one factor keeping me out of a cage for my marijuana use is my “complexion of protection,” as comedian Paul Mooney calls it. According to research by Harry Levine at Queens College in New York, Latinos and African Americans are arrested in New York City at rates far exceeding whites, even as whites use marijuana at higher rates. Similar disparities have been found in the top 25 counties in California as well as in 11 of the largest cities in the United States. The targeting of non-white people for marijuana smoking is a primary reason the NAACP has endorsed the legalization measures pending in three Western states.

    Of course, some people will have great difficulty being white. While it is statistically the best thing you can do, it’s not for everyone. However, if you follow the rest of the steps then you will probably avoid arrest for marijuana use.

    Step #2: Be Middle-Aged

    If you can avoid being arrested for your marijuana use until age 30, it’s probably not going to happen. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, almost two-thirds of all drug possession arrests happened to people under age 30 in 2009.

    A lot of that statistic owes to the fact that it is young people who are smoking marijuana most often. Of those 29 million who are smoking pot this year, almost 17 million of them are under age 30, and 10 million of them smoke monthly. So while 58% of annual pot smokers are under age 30, 65% of all drug arrestees are under age 30. (These are figures from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health for 2010, so they represent the people who are willing to tell a stranger on the phone representing the federal government their personal violations of state and federal drug laws. These numbers may be low.)

    By this point I’m sure young black readers are disappointed. But these realities are so inherent in the Drug War that I’ve been able to violate most of the rest of the steps in this list at one time or another while smoking pot and not so much as raised a cop’s eyebrow.

    Step #3: Look Square

    I have smoked a joint in front of the Bush White House. I’ve sneaked a toke in an alley on Wall Street. I’ve chiefed green bud in the parking lot at Green Bay’s Lambeau Field. I’ve been all around the country and smoked marijuana in red states and in blue states and much of what helped me avoid detection, even in my 20s, was not looking like somebody who smokes marijuana.

    That’s a false distinction, because marijuana smoking transcends all racial and socio-economic backgrounds. However, because of marijuana’s prohibition, those who are known to be marijuana smokers by the public tend to be the fringes of the smoking demographic. Fair or not, your long hair, scruffy beard, hippie dress, tie-dye, dreadlocks, pierced face, multiple tattoos, sagging britches, tribal ear discs, or pot-leaf T-shirt are going to arouse more suspicion than my suit and tie, polo shirt and Dockers, or Green Bay Packers T-shirt.

    Step #4: Be Aware

    Simple things can give you away. When you are smoking outside, which way is the wind blowing? One friend of mine was busted smoking behind a hedge, unaware the smell was penetrating through to the busy sidewalk. Where are the security cameras? Another friend was busted smoking in the parking lot of a casino on Indian land, of all places, forgetting that casinos have cameras everywhere.

    At night, don’t pass a pipe back and forth in the dark parking lot – that flickering lighter going off every 30 seconds can be visible for up to a mile. A joint is your best bet, especially if you can mingle with cigarette smokers; otherwise make sure to be sly in passing the joint so that little orange glow doesn’t make slow back-and-forth circles for anyone looking.

    I’ve found being in the open, but distant from others, is much preferred to trying to hide somewhere. Stairwells, alcoves, cul-de-sacs, alleyways, and “just around the corner” have caught some of my friends who have been snuck up on by police, leaving them stuck literally holding the bag with nowhere to go. But alone, smoking a joint while walking through a large empty parking lot, I am indistinguishable at a distance from some cigarette smoker walking to his car and I’ve got some time to eat that joint if someone should approach.

    Step #5: Don’t Smoke in Your Car

    Your car is the number-one place you will most likely have an encounter with law enforcement. Looking for people with marijuana in their cars keeps some police departments in business. So smoking in your car, whether it is moving or not, is never a good idea.

    At some point, however, you do have to move yourself with some marijuana from point A to point B in a rapid fashion. So if you have to have marijuana in your car, you should keep it in the trunk or locked up in the back somehow. Your center console, your glove compartment, and for pete’s sake, the dashboard, are not storage places for your stash.

    Step #6: Only Break One Law at a Time

    In drug reform circles, this is known as Steinborn’s Rule. If you are going to be smoking marijuana, this is not the time to be breaking other laws, like noise ordinances and traffic laws. If you’re driving with marijuana in your car and you can’t say with 100% certainty that your blinkers, taillights and headlights are in perfect working order and your registration tags and insurance and license are up to date, you’re just waiting to be one of those 850,000 marijuana arrests this year.

    Step #7: It’s Not Weed, It’s Evidence

    What’s the first rule of Weed Club? Don’t talk about Weed Club. It has become ludicrously easy for law enforcement to build cases to get search warrants based on information pot smokers willingly give up about themselves on Facebook, Twitter and other social networks. Your phone calls, voice mails and texts, no matter how clever you think your code words are, can all be used against you by law enforcement.

    You need to develop protocols, especially if you are in a less marijuana-tolerant section of country. Not one crumb of weed evidence should escape your attention. Stems and seeds in the garbage have brought people down; burn and flush them. All your marijuana should be stored in one place, not separate places where you may lose track of some, not separate storage where you can be hit with an intent-to-distribute charge.

    Don’t smoke in your front room where smell can be detected by people at the door. One friend of mine blows smoke into the over-the-stove fan. Another who travels often uses a toilet paper tube stuffed with dryer sheets to mask exhaled smoke. Keep air fresheners, eye drops and gum available.

    That’s what I’ve done for 22 years to avoid getting busted for weed. If you think being young, black, counter-culture, or careless is a lousy justification for police harassment, then help me to end this stupid prohibition on marijuana.

    September 13, 2012

    By Russ Belville


  1. scartissue_68
    My first experience with Killer Weed was February 1969 and I have been a fan ever since.

    I find that these rules make complete sense, as I have followed almost all of them exclusively without knowing there was such a protocol.

    I, however, have not escaped the very long arm of the law, but my arrest for possession with intent to sell might add a couple of amendments to the list:

    1) Don't save seeds in the same place as your stash. I know this is contrary to Rule #7, paragraph #2, but seeds can look like spice or cooking ingredients if stored in the right container deep in your cupboard. It was the seed weight that put my "small amount for personal use" over the 28 gram limit, which in my home state in 1983 qualified me as nefarious with the intent to sell.

    2) Don't trust the baby sitter, no matter how nice the ass. She might go through your stuff. If your stuff is illegal, she might then choose "payback" by calling the cops when you have to fire her for incompetence.

    43 years of using weed and only one anomalous bust, tends to positively inform Phunghead's report. I fit the physical appearance and personal image components of "the profile" and rarely smoked in public unless surrounded by others smokers.

    I have apparently gotten lucky by smoking in the car...of course that would have been preceding the last 15-20 years. During recent times, I have significantly helped my average by keeping it all between life-long friends and smoking at home 99% of the time.

    Moral of the Story: Don't hire anyone based on the quality of the ass.
  2. DontKnow
    #8: use eye drops with tetrahydrazolene to get that red out.

    #9: a system for filtering smoke:

    Use a paper towel empty roll tube and stuff it with dryer sheets to mask the odor to exhale into. Then also cover your pipe immediately after toking, so that no smoke leaves your pipe

    #10: Don't smoke joints. Joints can cause fires when they fall apart and a lot of fresh smoke leaves them

    #11: Wash your hands after smoking. This keeps you odorless on the part of the body that is easily smelled as you move your hands

    #12: Only put enough for one toke into your pipe, turn it into white ash, if it is dark ash, you're wasting it. Cover the bowl immediately after you toke, use a coin, but not your thumb. This reduces that fresh smell of your stash wafting through the air, and reduces your chance of a fire.

    #13: Use a small pipe if going out. Of course don't bring a hookah, but also select your pipe which least obviously looks like a little pipe. Engineer your own if possible, and keep it hidden among other small objects like tools, makeup, or groceries.

    #14: If traveling in a car, do not leave anything in your pockets or a purse, because these are the first things police may search through.

    #15: Remember that confiscated paraphenalia can be tested for other substances such as methamphetamine or cocaine, so if you use these substances in a pipe, you may be in much greater trouble, so leave those at home.

    #16: Know what to do if the police officer says he wants to search. This may vary depending on your locale, but most places in the US, you can simply say no.

    I hope this helps! And remember that Obama says "we wont be legalizing marijuana any time soon"
  3. Charlie_Sheen
    1. Don't be loud or obnoxious when in the presence of those who haven't partaken.

    2. Don't look or dress in any odd manner, and, Yes, those new Gucci brand sneakers are going to draw some attention.

    3. The weed goes from your dealer, to your car, then your car goes to your house and that's where the weed fucking stays.

    Those three are some of the most important rules in my book.
  4. snarkymalarky
    Getting cornered is not the only reason to avoid smoking in secluded spaces. Smoking behind a dumpster, in an alley, or anywhere where it looks you are trying to hide naturally arouses suspicion. It looks sketchy and draws attention. The best place to smoke a joint is somewhere that would be normal for a casual cigarette smoker, but is also far enough away from people that the smell won't be incriminating. If you can walk while you smoke, all the better. Also, hold the joint in your hand between the fingers like a cigarette, not between the thumb and forefinger.
  5. usually0
    After you finished smoking, put away your shit so it doesn't smell, I have a ziplock bag that i keep my stuff in, and i usually replace it once it starts to leak the smell. For the most part, putting my weed and pipe in a bag, popping some visine if necessary, and washing my hands is the best to conceal use.

    Smoking a joint leaves the smell on your hands and clothes, and hair, it may be hard to get out and you may end up smelling like pot. If youre a tobacco smoker this may be less of an issue, but for the most part, joints are for when you have lots of time to chill and not worry about cops. The only exception, would be if you wanted to smoke outside discreetly, away from people, but to make it look like a ciggerette.

    Avoid hiding from people, like others said, dont hide behind walls and dumpsters, you're asking for attention.

    If cops come, deny everything and refuse a search. For the most part, there is literally nothing they can do against this. Putting in vise can avoid an awkward conversation with a cop when you're eyes are red. It's kinda hard to convince a cop you're not smoking when your eyes are bloodshot. There's nothing to worry about it if it happens though, the first thing i say is that my eyes are dry, my contacts are dry, or my allergies are acting up. But it does avoid the awawardness.

    Above all, weed doesnt belong in your car. If it's in your car, it's hidden and not within reach or sight of the driver's side. It can't smell up your car, if your car smells like weed, and a cop pulls you over, it's not a good situation.

    Don't be reckless. While you're smoking a joint, it's not a time to yell and run around or do graffitti. Anything else that's illegal, should not be done. This is just common sense, you want to avoid police, not attract them. Same with loitering, people who smoke in front of convience stores are asking for someone to call the cops on them. Dont do it, it's stupid and it's going to increase your chances of being booked.

    Another tip: after you're done smoking, leave. Don't hang around, nothing more incriminating than standing on top of a recently smomked joint or standing beside a water bottle used as a bong. When you're done your session, toss the water bong, joint, put your stuff away, and go somewhere else. Even like at least 10-20 feet away.

    Also if you're just hanging outside, smoking pot, it looks pretty obvious to cops. Bring a soccer ball or basketball, if a cop comes, light a cog or bounce around the ball, and tell the officer you're just taking a break from playing. It doesn't look good when an officer asks you what you're doing, and you tell them that you're just hanging out, doing nothing. I think they'd catch on then.
  6. makin
    Sorry guys this is not true...............thanks to the need to have a well rounded education I was forced to take AJ 50 or something like that it's an Administrative Justice class full of want to be cops and taught by a retired sherriff.

    Anyhow I got one thing out of this class the TERRY STOP OR SEARCH........

    In the United States, a Terry stop is a brief detention of a person by police[1] on reasonable suspicion of involvement in criminal activity but short of probable cause to arrest.

    The name derives from Terry v. Ohio, 392 U.S. 1 (1968),[2] in which the Supreme Court of the United States held that police may briefly detain a person who they reasonably suspect is involved in criminal activity;[3] the Court also held that police may do a limited search of the suspect’s outer garments for weapons if they have a reasonable and articulable suspicion that the person detained may be “armed and dangerous”.[4] When a search for weapons is authorized, the procedure is known as a “stop and frisk”.

    To have reasonable suspicion that would justify a stop, police must be able to point to “specific and articulable facts” that would indicate to a reasonable person that a crime has been, is being, or is about to be committed.[5] Reasonable suspicion depends on the “totality of the circumstances”,[6] and can result from a combination of facts, each of which is by itself innocuous.[7]

    The search of the suspect’s outer garments, also known as a patdown, must be limited to what is necessary to discover weapons;[8] however, pursuant to the “plain feel” doctrine, police may seize contraband discovered in the course of a frisk, but only if the contraband’s identity is immediately apparent.[9]

    The crime here would be anything to do with drugs if they smell marijuana and believe you smoked it, thats enough for the pat down. The way around this is to keep your drugs somewhere a weapon will not fit. The first place that comes to mind is your shoes, they can't ask you to remove your shoes as a weapon won't fit............

    If you see the cops comming and they are comming to talk to you be carefull and understand that they can pat you down if they want without your permission. and they can charge you with whatever they find while looking for a weapon.
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