It's been a long time now. I've been depressed for even longer though, and every time I look back on my months of opiate abuse, it seems like the happiest time of my life. I know I was miserable, really. I look back and I feel like I was young and free back then. I'm newly 20 but I feel like my life is so much duller, and I dont have that spark in me anymore.
Everyone around me bores me, sometimes I see flashes of beauty in people and things, but it quickly burns out.
I had my ex back then; not quite a boyfriend or partner but someone who I imagined to love me or be in love with me, too complicated as a person to treat me nicely. What did it mean when he held on to my drugs? He risked it all for me? I finally found someone who loved me unconditionally
Being high allowed me to perpetuate these thoughts. I've moved away from the country that he's in for unrelated reasons.
He told me not to cut my hair, and I still haven't, but not because I still love him. I don't.
Actually, I have no feelings left. I miss being 17 sometimes, because I felt like anything could happen, then. Now I have lost the spark, and I don't know where to find it.