As I struggle to gain some energy I log on my favorite site - DF......
Before I logged on I was staring at the bottle of Hydrocodone and thinking to myself,
- "will she notice if I take 3 now just to feel normal"?
- "will I be able to lose 3 one day to make up the difference"?
- "will it be worth 1 hour of feeling ok for 8-10 hours of feeling like shit being 3 short one day"?
As these thoughts are flying through my head I take a step back, put my bottle back where she hid it from me and walk away. I feel strong for doing it but I feel like shit at the same time.
I look back at my life over the past 31 years and I think to myself:
"I didn't know what pain was until I met Mr. Vicodin"
When will it end? And more importantly, how will it end?
I can barely stand myself, much less anyone else......and had it not been for her - I'd be dead by now......
But even as I read the posts from all my friends on DF - surrounded by misery and pain, I still feel like my life is empty. Not Half full.......empty....
I wonder what I can do to make the time pass.......I'm due for my next dose around 4 pm. It's all I can think about......lasting until then......but it's still pointless. Because 2 won't do shit except keeping me from going into WD. I'm always thinking of ways to make myself feel better and how to suppress the agony of feeling useless and so utterly bored with life.
I watched this miserable documentary once about Heroin addicts. It showed these addicts getting their fixes and how much they felt like shit if they didn't have their fix......it was heart breaking to watch them so young and destroying their lives......and like most people I thought:
"what dumbasses they are. Why waste your life on something that destroys you"?
And without even ever having tried Heroin I think I can answer it........
The only time they feel alive is while they are high. Much similar to how I feel when I have the appropriate amount of pain medication in me. All though, they're probably feeling much worse than me when it comes to that......which is extremely and utterly Terrifying to think about. Since I feel like a walking zombie most of the time.
I know where this path will take me if I don't get the hook out of me in time. I really don't want to continue like this......my dr. keep having to up my dosage every so often due to the tolerance going up. And I know it'll be harder and harder to take the hook out the longer I go like this.......but it's not like I chose this. I didn't choose my life going down the shitter in a matter of months. I didn't choose to have chronic pain........it's just there.
I try to make the best of my days but I'm running out of energy.......always way too fast. And without energy I won't get up to better myself physically or mentally. And I will never find a job that way either....
I feel like I'm going through PAWS every single day. Mostly because my dosage is always too little for my body to feel normal. Of course the Wellbutrin helps somewhat but not to the extent that I feel happy to be alive. More keeping me from dying in my sleep from boredom.
When Opiates takes over you lose all control it seems like. I'm not in control of my social life.....IT is......I'm not in control of my sexlife.....IT is. I'm not even in control of my diet......IT is.
When most days are like today........why bother with another tomorrow? It's not like I'm hopeful that tomorrow will be better. Unless I suddenly developed friends with connections that I shouldn't have. Which is something I've stopped myself from doing.......but at this rate I'm bound to fail. Every day my hunger for Chemically enhanced happiness grows stronger.
And it's scaring the living shit out of me.....