I had another insight, about my relationship with my dad, or a lack of one...
I've been thinking about this whole thing from yesterday. Not really sure anymore how i came to it but it's not important anyway.
A small intro. See, he's a tough dude, Bosnian Serb, a highlander who grew up with his 9 brothers and sisters way up in the forests of Bosnian hills. Aged 14, he went downhill into the world, worked for his bread and managed to finish high school (term high school differs from country to country, here it's some 14-15 years of education), all while loading trucks, carrying sacks and so on. He's still strong and healthy, he goes to our bungalow 20 miles away on his bicycle twice a week, with one artificial knee and a number of hip, knee etc surgeries he had in his life. I do see him as one tough sob, with strong morally upright character. When each and every citizen of this shithole was trying to survive the economic sanctions, inflation, civil wars and so on by at least bending the law a bit, he never ever did so. He never bought a car of questionable origin (from Europe) when everyone else did so, he bought a ruin, god knows how old domestic one for the same money. When our neighbor, a very old lady without any living relatives offered to leave him her huge house in her will, as a reward for everything he did to help her, he refused because "it's not something he built with his own two hands, ten fingers and so on...". I can go on and on but you understand what type of guy he is.
Now, why I'm writing about him, instead about me.
I was just about to run into adolescence, i was like 11 or so, when a friend and i pulled my whole class into one quite messy act of vandalism that was all over the local media.
He beat the shit out of me for the first time in my life, and he did it properly. I was skipping sports for a month ashamed of the bruises.
This was in fact the turning point in my life. I now understand that at that point, i started hating everything he represented. Instead of looking up to him, in the following years i was doing my best to become his antipode.
I screwed up the education state gave me on a plate, i stole, robbed, did my time in jail, used drugs, fucked men women and everything in between, and everything else he despised...
It's simply unbelievable to me now when i look back at everything. Everything i ever did, i did because i wanted to. But i never questioned why i actually wanted to do the things i did. Huh, this becomes really messy and hard to put in writing. I'll have to leave it for some other day.
Anyway, this insight is for me even more important then the one i wrote about earlier. I never realized how important figure he was for me, this somehow always slipped from me on each "retrospective" I've been trying to build in my mind before, simply because i subconsciously pushed him away from my thinkings.
As the last time, Pregabalin was deeply involved in this realization, and i really don't think it's just a coincidence. This substance somehow frees my thoughts, it kills the inhibitions in my inner talks, if you understand what I'm trying to say. If you don't, just ask and I'll explain properly.
Excerpts from my Journal
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