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A little background info

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  1. runnerupbeautyqueen
    I never did the "introduce yourself" thread or anything like that, I kinda just started posting stuff so I thought I thought better late then never. My story is pretty typical, met some friends starting smoking weed met some new friends started doing other drugs. My family has always been less than affectionate. I remember going to friends houses and they would be like "bye mom, I love you" and I would think "thanks weird." But then it happened more and more and I realized I was the weird one. My dad told me he loved me once after I tried to kill myself. I was fourteen and had been thinking about it for a few years. My household was very strict. If I got a B on a report card I was grounded until I got an A on the next report card. In high school when I brought home my report card with all A's my parents called my teachers because they didn't believe me when I said they didn't give out A+'s anymore, just A's. When I was fourteen I was grounded for 6 months for watching Miss Congeniality because it was rated PG13 because the couple kiss at the end. Grounded meant no phone, no internet, no radio, and eventually no books. So I spent a lot of time alone. I would sleep as much as possible and I actually developed a set of like "dream friends" and in my dreams we would hang out and do normal things and I actually considered these manifestations to be real people. This was the start of my delusions.

    I was vice president, historian, and president of student council. I was a cheerleader, I played in band, drama club, track, gifted and honors classes, student of the month every year, all that good stuff. My teachers loved me.

    I was sixteen before I knew what real friends were. My first group of girlfriends were popular cheerleaders and if you've ever seen the movie Mean Girls that was the way I lived. They would tell me "we're all going to wear white tomorrow" and then when I'd go to school the next day they would say "you can't sit with us at lunch because you didn't wear red" so I would eat in the bathroom. One of my friends had a party and when I told her I didn't get an invitation she said in front of the class "I didn't invite you because you're too ugly and if you come none of the boys will." I was tall and skinny and weighed about 90 pounds up until high school and they would make fun of my elastic waist jeans. But I thought this was how friends were because I had never known anything different. I would cut myself and I cried all the time.

    In retrospect I think they were jealous. Or maybe I've just adopted that as a coping mechanism. I wasn't unpopular. Everyone knew my name, I had boyfriends, but I never felt like I fitted in and the more I tried the worse I felt.

    My sister basically made sure everyone knew about my suicide attempt so people were either overly nice to me or just plain ignored me. My delusions were getting worse. I started to believe that the dream world was real and the real world was a dream. I referred to myself in the third person and I've never really stopped doing any of these things.

    I didn't really like weed. But the people I smoked weed with didn't care about my elastic waist pants or that I was taller than every boy in my class. They didn't care that I was 16 and still a virgin or that I had to wheel my stupid xylophone around school on a luggage thingy. And the more weed I bought the more I was liked. Can you see the problem developing because I couldn't.

    I was tired of trying so hard to live up to my parents expectations and never being able to do so. So I figured why even try?

    I ran away at seventeen. I lived in cars, I lived in a wash under a tree. I went to school twice a week. But I was still 33rd in my class. Arizona schools are consistently ranked 49 or 50th in the country (out of 50) so this wasn't much of an accomplishment.

    I didn't have sex until I was 18. I don't know why. Honestly I wish I wouldn't have waited so long cause I built it up to be this huge deal and it wasn't at all. I move around from boyfriend to boyfriend. Sleeping on peoples couches or floors or wherever. I graduate early with honors.

    I go to college and do terrible at some classes and great at others. As soon as I found out I couldn't do something perfectly I didn't want to do it at all. Someone gives me some heroin. I become a junkie. I steal and lie and do all the fun things that junkies do. In and out of rehab, constant arguments with my parents who I started talking to again after I grew out of the whole teenage angst stage. I model, strip, I was single for about two weeks total in 6 years and always had a new boyfriend lined up before I dumped the old one. I'm such a selfish nut job I don't know why anyone would put up with me, let alone line up to put up with me.

    So here I am. 22 with no real skills or anything to show for my life besides track marks, a bunch of journals, and an autobiography detailing my life up until the part where it actually got interesting. I have aspirations of law school, opening a needle exchange in Phoenix, ending the War on Drugs, all that good stuff. I'm still a semester away from my associates though and I've been a semester away for like a year and a half. I'm terrible unmotivated and lazy. I've learned to deal with my depression by just not caring. Anyway that's my story.

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  1. TicksAndLeaches
    Even though I grew up in a very different environment I still appreciate your honesty and I really hope the best for you. Because its a forum too many of us hide all of our bad qualities trying to impress others but your openness is quite refreshing. Take it easy and see ya around in the internets.

    -Alex
  2. Heretic.Ape.
    Familiar elements. High school, oh boy. I was weird but not unpopular, just no real "home" among the cliques. Didn't have sex until 18 due to fairly strict religious upbringing, then lots of sex drugs and debauchary to try a walk on the other side.

    If you don't mind a thought, since you know clearly that you're parent's neurotic behavior is where you've learned your own you are in a position to shake off the image of what they wanted as well as the image of yourself created by the dissonance and undermining influence on your value and nature as a unique identity.

    Now you get to try to start from ground zero, which can make one a bit dizzy with unknown potentials but offers the difficult but rewarding path of trying new things that catch your fancy and are not a reaction to self-expectation and image ingrained in youth. Neither trying to please nor to reject through acts of giving up on yourself because you are a person and not a dream your folks had.

    So if you take this moment of reflection and use it to wonder if the drugs and sleeping around aren't simply a substitution for familial bonding since your tone seems somewhat self-debasing, you may find that it's possible to choose not to judge yourself through such thoughts but to simply observe what makes you feel Good (not quick-fix pleasure), you're on the track to finding the lovable you that's been hiding under the constant message of worthlessness or failure received and perpetuated internally thus far. It's a nice feeling when you catch it; and I'm sure you will.

    Thanks for the introduction, be seeing you around the forums.
    Peace,
    h.a.