Felt the need to come to the one place I can and get everything out since my life is such a mess. And only one person knows the truth of what's been going on, and I feel I don't have anyone to talk to about the deep shit.
So Flossy (you know my way ward cow) is still smoking meth everyday, and the insane thing is... in treatment they tell you the life you were leading was insane... (yeah I have another post coming on insanity) but you know what, my cow is feeling a little less insane these days. When I got back from treatment she obsessed on a daily bases trying to find the energy, the motivation, yeah ok.. the high. At first she tried to be an alcoholic.. yeah not so much.. then she got so desperate she was trying anything... first it was energy drinks and 5 hour energy.. then snorting sudafed (not a smart cow) yeah lets not forget the whip its and compressed air.. and then she found out how to make shake n bake, and was going as far as obtaining the required ingredients. That was INSANE. Now she's a much more calm cow. Now I can get things done... ok it may not be what I originally was attempting to do, but I get something done. I'm not ready for her to go back to that. If they would just put the silly cow back on Ritalin, I could do it.... but I can not go back to the way it was when I came back. Yeah ok, she has her moments when she has been up for a few days and I start to think Flossy is really screwing up her brain, like really losing her mind. I notice she is talking to herself a lot more... like out loud, and earlier this evening.. ok.. still... has been arguing with herself... not like hearing voices and talking back to them... seriously arguing with herself, both sides of the argument OUT LOUD. Thank goodness for Seroquel for the bad days.
(oh yeah btw this is my new narrator voice lol)
It's funny my friends say they like me better since I got home, I have a personality again, I'm no longer a zombie. The scary thing is I didn't feel like I was a zombie. Unfortunately my social anxiety is out of control. Like tonight I was supposed to meet some friends for drinks... I took a shower, and was about to get dressed when I started freaking out... I couldn't do it, as soon as I resolved to the fact that I wasn't going, I felt much better. If it wasn't for the internet I probably wouldn't have interaction. Except for those friends that realize I have such bad anxiety that they come visit. They took away everything I had for anxiety, they expect me to take hydroxizine (an antihistamine) yeah ok.. not working, so they gave me another anti-psychotic (risperidone) to take when I have anxiety.. yeah please... I don't have a problem with downers, seriously I'm an amphetamine kinda girl.
And I'm still obsessing with age. It's really freaking me out. I get on Facebook and I see friends from high school, or you know from 15 or 20 years ago (god I am old) and they don't look anything like they did. Like I wouldn't even recognize them. Has that happened to me? It scares the shit out of me. Recently I just got in contact with a guy I used to hang out with back in the day when I used to use (yeah ok back in the 90's), Wow he's a perfect example of this. Turns out last year he was finally released from federal custody, he was in prison for 9 1/2 years, and then a half way house, for selling meth. He has been clean for 11 years. It was sad for me to tell him that I had 16 years... the operative word being "had" and that I had gone to treatment for my first time. (Side Note: same time I found out an ex boyfriend from back then was spending life in San Quentin... hmm not sure how I feel about that one) anyway... I've let so many people down, I don't have the heart to tell them. I don't know why people look up to me, and think I'm a pillar of strength. Even my friends from back then.. I know none of them thought I would be where I am. I was the one going somewhere with my life. Getting clean and going back to school. Yeah... So watching intervention every Monday like I do saw a guy who had 18 years clean, and started using crack again. I don't know anyone who has had an addiction to meth or crack that haven't relapsed, regardless of clean time. I mean really.. 16 years... gone.. poof. Who the hell am I supposed to look up to. And yeah as I write this Flossy is sitting here hitting the pipe. Yeah no more snorting that shit.... Sometimes I think... maybe going back with Bill he would help me quit, but is alcoholism is out of control. The last time he wanted help, I tried but he started drinking, and the cops came and got him. Oh but.. this is rich.. he's been using with an ex girlfriend... ok.. that's not his thing... what a fucking hypocrite!!!! Wow ok... tmi!
And seriously, Flossy is a shitty addict.. I mean for real.. she finally got a real pipe the other so maybe light bulbs will start to last around my house. And then tonight she is sitting on the bed smoking, and the stupid cow spills dope all over her, cleans up as much as she can.. (yeah a few months ago.. cow would have been licking those sweats clean!!) So puts it in her pipe, and yeah lets it roll and it all pours out... now picking it up off the comforter... puts it back in her pipe... yep does it one more time... stupid ass cow. So she gets up and when she comes back she realizes yeah rocks all over the sheets. I mean seriously, she gives drug addicts a bad name. Give it a few weeks she will be licking the sheets. Good thing I will have washed them by then.
So I suppose this is where I stand right now. I'm not ready to quit, I don't want to. I know someday I have to, but not this year. I'm to scared cause I don't know how to function without it. And I guess in some way in the back of my head, I'm waiting for my knight in shining armour to come and save me, cause no body else is going to. Every one in my life doesn't understand, they don't see me everyday. They are clueless on what I go through. How my life has no meaning. I seriously have no reason for getting out of bed everyday. I have so truly lost my way.. and I am not sure I'm ever gonna find my way back. I fight daily to find some meaning to keep me going, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep searching without finding any answers. (don't worry I am pouring out thoughts that I need to express, but I will be safe and if it gets too bad I will ask for help) I really want everyone to know how much I truly appreciate your thoughts, concerns, faith, and support. It means a lot to me.
Until my next rant and rave.... peace out.
(Wow just finished editing this page, and dayum it's long.. I couldn't even finish it lol)
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A Need To Get It All Out