Newest trend in OTC legal highs: Substituted concepts
I, the extremely intrepid reporter who told the world about narcotic shampoo, was recently granted an exclusive look at the underground Chinese labs which produce these chemicals. They introduced me to a new direction in legal highs, the substitution of concepts.
At first glance the lab buried deep underneat Shanghai looks like your average, everyday run of the mill mass producer of cathinone derivatives. I was even fooled into thinking I was looking at something boring and average... Until I heard the noise.
"God is nothing! You are nothing! Nothing matters, sooner or later you will turn to dust, the sun will explode, we are all waiting to die!"
My guide smiles and at me and leads me past the rows of bubbling beakers, child laborers and piles of raw precursors to a room located at the back. What I see inside shocks me. A group of men are standing over an agitating pot of solvent, screaming at it.
"This is where we are developing our latest product." Says my guide. "We are calling it 2C-Nihilism. See, when your government passed the inclusive senate act barring many phenethylamines, we thought to ourselves, why don't we replace the backbone with something else? Not phenethylamine, but nihilism. We simply add to the concept a few methoxy groups, and then a substitution. We have bromonihilism, ethylnihilism, chloronihilism... The possibilities are endless! And totally legal!"
I am taken past doors, one of which draws my attention due to the goat being slaughtered over another agitating beaker.
"Meet one of our most promising products." My guide chuckles. "3,4-methylenedioxy- satanism."
Through another door I witness a crying family being slurred at by a fat bald man resembling Homer Simpson.
"paramethoxyalcoholism." Says my guide.
Apparently the idea of substituting concepts came following the widespread legislation banning legal highs. A pioneering company in the field decided to try a different tactic.
"At first we attempted to substitute mainstream religious concepts." My guide explains. "We figured since the precursors were readily available and legal, it wouldn't be very difficult. But as it turns out we ran into problems. Apparently Christianity hasn't been open to substitutions for about 500 years. Every time a new concept formed the remaining Christianity promptly decomposed it back to its unsubstituted form. Buddhism kept denying itself any substitutions, Islam was already fully saturated by substitutions, and Scientology had a tendency to break down into lawsuits if we attempted to alter it. We've been working very hard with this idea."
Substituted concepts will most likely be hitting headshops and bookstores in the next year. The most popular is expected to be beta-napthlymormanism, a concept rapidly in use around America already and one that often is substituted by users already.
"We can't think of much else to do with what were allowed to use." Remarks my guide. "The next step if this one is blocked is MDAO, or methylenedioxyagentorange. But the risk of teratogenicity is very high."
I suggest anyone impressionable youths who may be open to use of new, substituted concepts be locked away from the outside world, home schooled and kept away from mass media. The invasion has begun.