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Ah life.. MMT taper halfway done, and taking up new adventures for spring/summer

By moda00 · Apr 8, 2010 · 731 · 5

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Tapering.. 50% down from my highest dosing point so that means one is halfway there right? Gotta get off this methadone.. holy shit has the clinic system in general and one's clinic in particular gone to crap. Power tripping nazis who treat you like less than human- even when you have years of clean UAs and program compliance.. one has GOT to get out before something happens to worsen this situation.. not a good feeling. Though she had been thinking of tapering beyond going from preg dose to pre-preg dose (typical to do) and actually wanted to try a taper before discovering pregnancy (taper while pregnant is very dangerous to baby so that's a no-no), she knows she has the right reasons and a stable base, but this external pressure and resentment does not a conducive recovery environment make.

Kiddo is well, insane to have a toddler who has taken first steps, has three words, and a very strong will.. they grow so fast.

Swim is sad she is missing MAPS but recently found out she'll be able to go to the Science of Consciousness BioEthics forum in Madison, WI with Nichols, Dennis McKenna, and some other awesome speakers, some new to her and some she saw at World Psychedelic Forum in Basel.. so she is so pleased at the synchronicities and the way the universe has again given her what she needed and wanted even if it wasn't exactly what she thought.. things have a way of working out..

I have set the goal of obtaining my initial skydiving license this summer, second jump is TOMORROW! So excited. Maybe that will have to be my "fix" lol.. it is interesting from those I have spoken with how these activities often overlap- an outpatient group I used to go to does an annual skydive trip, a friend online and his friends do an annual "junkie jump" for those in recovery, etc. The same mindset that makes us seek out stimulation may overlap here.. I am intrigued to delve into the psychology of this further, although many seem to dismiss such notions as "type T personality" or "sensation-seeking" as unnecessary labeling or generalizations.. I still think it is an interesting theory and worth exploring its possible roots in the brain.. I do however think there is something to it-- at least for me myself, I cannot claim to speak for anyone else.. but we have both conscious and unconscious within, instinct is a part of us and we too are animals.. studies show that animals do have certain traits based on genes and other factors- ex. the mice that will approach the clear glass walkway, and those that will shy away.. (try to find reference though this is a blog post not a dissertation lol- anyone whose taken psych 101 will know what i mean) but i think it's an interesting idea to explore.. not for the sake of broadly generalizing people, but for finding out how and why our brains work the way they do. And labels, while often detrimental, can also be a way of discovering what we have in common, or why our brains do what they do.. seems relevant to me.. *shrug*

Personally, I have always wanted to skydive, have para-sailed, etc. love rides (waterpark, amusement park, whatever), love working with my body (yoga, tai chi, running, etc.), horseback riding (until I had some ethical qualms.. still unsure on that one), and love a challenge. So it fits. I am pretty sure I know what I want, at least some of the time, and right now this is it, so I will work hard to achieve my goal. I am also the kind of person who will try most anything at least once (at least if it's reasonably sensible for me at the time, and not completely insanely stupid- but that is all relative in some ways no?)

Anyways, very exited about this new sport, and the new family that seems to surround it, plus incorporating my kiddo into the mix- gorgeous weather, other kids to play with- very family friendly area and I think it will be great fun this summer.

Also planning a trek westward after finals are done this semester in May for a few weeks- I NEED a break from my hometown, wonderful as it is at times, and life in general, and some new adventures (with an old old friend, and a good dose of west-coast wisdom and old friendships' magical boost of rejuvenation of the spirit and new thoughts to carry homeward) so that should be good.. other than that, this summer will be loving the outdoors with the kiddo, and vogages through the sky and beyond of all sorts.. new people, places, mind-states, and body-states.. relaxation, exploration, a break and a challenge all in one... cannot wait for school to end Camping too is on the agenda.. a few local festival and music events, would LOVE to do rainbow family camp but honestly unsure with kiddo's age and not going with others who have been if we'd be up for it yet.. something to explore further, any feedback appreciated
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Comments

50% would be halfway if the first half was just as difficult as the second half. Question is if it's harder getting started on it, or finishing it.
And that depends on the attitude.

Skydiving though - that's incredible. I've flirted with the idea of trying it some day, as have many I believe but to actually hear about someone realizing that plan is awesome. I guess the second jump was yesterday, do tell us more about it! Or also about the first one... is it anything like a drug, where the first time is different than any other - or is it just as terrifying each time around?

NeuroChi, Apr 10, 2010
oo are you coming out to CA?? If so you simply must visit with the wee one!

radiometer, Apr 16, 2010
Just wanted to send out some good vibes to ya, keep on working at it!

~Kailey

kailey_elise, Apr 17, 2010
Thanks guys!!

Yeah Richi-- I think it was hard for me to get started, but am hoping it is what it seems, that like exercise or something, the hard part is deciding to do it and driving to the gym or starting to run- once you're underway, it's do-able and you are glad you are doing it even though it's hard work. I am definitely highly motivated to get off.. but I know some people say that the last few mgs or lower doses can also be harder or need a change in pace, so one just has to be aware and listen to their body I suppose..

Skydiving is incredible- there is nothing like the first time- BUT honestly, the first time is so intense it's all you can do to survive it, lol, so it actually gets more enjoyable though still a mindfuck and very intense, it's just that as the sensory overload lets up over time you seem to have a bit more control and awareness (ex. the first time- tandem as required- it was all one could do to squeeze one's eyes shut and scream and laugh- then the shock of the canopy opening (I have a vid of it lol) I am so overwhelmed I can't even talk and just have to take a bit to catch my breath and laugh and say holy shit... lol.. after that wore off and I was somewhat coherent, I didn't know how to deal with the ear pressure and it hurt a lot and I was in pain under canopy and about ten minutes after landing, but over time the effect lessens and I also learned to "pop" then right after opening the parachute if needed. Memory is also interfered with, I remember bits and pieces, and the video helps, but I definitely blanked out- on the video you can see the delay in processing- they have you hold your arms on your chest so you don't flail or grab at the plane out of instinct, and then once falling away they do a tap signal to do the arch and extend your arms, and the instructor did it, and I was oblivious, and then you could see he thought I was not going to do it and reached down to do the tap on my shoulder signal again in freefall, maybe 5 sec later, and as he reached down I put my arms out before he made contact- so it's clear I registered the first signal and what it meant, I just had a delay in brain processing- very strange. I am pretty sure I could/would NOT have been aware enough to pull the pilot chute, so thank god my second jump I was coherent enough to pull and pull at the correct altitude- I did pull at a weird angle, and the bridle wrapped my arm, but I just untangled it, and the weird thing is that I would not have remembered even doing this had my debriefing instructor not asked me, so what happened on opening/when you pulled? Then it all came rushing back- so so odd. I have been trying to get levels 3 and 4 in but keep getting weather issues, so wish me luck for my go-around tomorrow if the weather cooperates.. apparently summer is better than spring, as the past 2 1/2 weekends have been un-jumpable.. is that a word? lol.. anyways, from what I've experienced and what more experienced jumpers say, there is always some level of excitement or anxiety or both, and intensity, but your awareness, control, and enjoyment increase over a time until you are relatively proficient and then they say it's pretty much just as enjoyable each time but you are increasing your skills and such as you do more jumps.. can't wait! (though my child is not sleeping and he really should be, so I do need to get some good sleep in before jumping..)

Radio, I am for certain coming out to OR, and thinking about heading to CA after that- I would love to see the redwoods, and go to one of the indoor wind tunnels to work on body position/stability in freefall for skydiving (not available in the midwest, but there are a few scattered in CA), and of course, visit you and have a playdate with the kiddos! It's just that I have close friends to stay with in OR, and am unsure about the situation in CA as far as mmt clinics and my taper/guest dosing, accommodations, travel, and finance, etc. but I'll keep you posted and hopefully we can find a way to touch base, I would just love that!!

Thanks for the good vibes, Kailey!!

moda00, Apr 25, 2010
That sounds incredible, quite the experience indeed. I'm not surprised you say that memory is interfered with, under a lot of stress it's the first thing to go when your body is in "fight or flight" mode - and oh how ironic - you have no choice but to engage in the latter.

NeuroChi, May 12, 2010