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    PLEASE HELP

Alfa: Enigmatic, mystical, and omniscient. But does he want to steal your organs?

Rating:
3/5,
  1. (NS)-M-Lo-Reason
    Hello again, this is Robert Porter, reporting from a scene so horrifying it could only be found in a compendium of horrifying images of some kind. It is a hotel, hourly $20. There is ice, some of the phenethylamine variety, some of the H2O. There is a bath tub. There is blood. There is a body. The body has a mysterious hole in the area surrounding the kidney, leading me to conclude that someone deliberately cut into the area of the body surrounding the kidney. But there are no police, and no yellow tape. And I didn't wipe my feet before I came in, so someone will have to mop up that also.

    The theft of a kidney. The drugs. It all fits.

    A man, living somewhere in the Nether Regions (something like that), is bent on two things, one of which I have managed to discover through my contacts in the homeless population. He contributes to the operation of Drugs Forum, a forum where people talk and teach each other about drugs and pharmacology. But what else is this man about? Is it connected to the occasional loss of organs and tissue?

    In order to join the site, readers and potential posters need to "sign" a contract. It is simple, it states only the expected rules one would assume. Or does it?

    I, Robert Porter, was about to join the site, hoping to find out why my banana peel concoction doesn't give me visuals. I know bananadine can be found in the inner peel, but where?.... Being the intrepid reporter that I am, I read the rules carefully, and was SHOCKED to find the following. I was so shocked in fact that I let my banana peel burn. Luckily I still had my peanut shells. Hidden somewhere in the site rules, is this bone chilling, spine tingling, organ thieving clause:

    "The poster, upon posting a single thread asking for advice on the safety of a drug combo they have already consumed, forfeits their right to, ownership of, and the right to the function of, any organ of the body, which is of greater than or equal value to a kidney. In the event that a poster asks something like

    'I am on sertraline, and I want someone to tell me in the next 10 minutes that it was safe for me to take tranylcypromine, in order to not feel like a dumbass when I end up dead.'

    they will be psychically forced to lie down in a tub full of ice, dropping all drugs in said tub, and wait for the arrival of an organ collection team. The signer forfeits the right to complain about the collection, specifically because they have demonstrated that they do not need, nor do they want, a fully functional body."

    I was horrified to read this, so horrified in fact that I accidentally blew my carefully milled peanut shells all over my keyboard. I hastily sniffed what I had left. I felt something, it was mild but DEFINITELY not placebo.

    Fast forward to now, as I stand over this broken man, in a tub full of ice, methamphetamine, and an empty needle with traces of PMA still stuck to it's chamber. This is why I see no police. This is why no CSI agents are busily scraping semen off of something. This explains why I tracked dog poop into this room without the slightest hesitation.

    Suddenly he moves! He seems about to say something! I lean in close, as this man utters one last word, then drops dead.

    "Alfa!"

    To be continued... or not whatever.

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