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  1. kalishakti
    I.

    Even as a small child, knowing...
    Not of this world
    never quite felt free then to be me
    always molded too forcefully
    even if with meticulous loving intent

    Even then, rebellion
    wanting to be yet know not
    who, what, how
    settling too long for pretend
    safely ensconced, almost forgotten

    Innocent pubescent emergence
    wretched hormones igniting
    internal conflict sparks
    of raging soul-rending discontent
    relocated at that vulnerable moment
    left to fend all alone
    in a strange land, friendless

    Picked on, taunted til snapping 'til
    That day the Rage replaced lamenting
    And found instead the seething hatred
    that at least drowned the self loathing

    And then left in Alone-ness
    disparate, separate, loveless
    trapped suffocating in rusting armor
    Drink and drug quenched ego death
    Playing psychick chicken
    tough stoic trainwreck

    II.

    Jailbreaked college prisons
    whiskey amnesia unremembered fights and bruises
    finally an end of hidden clothes caches and purges
    first time in life, control of spaces
    freedom tasted, liberated places

    That place in time and space
    When the networks brought me
    the self knowledge and hormones graces
    yet that most dangerous time

    when sustaining rage was extinguished
    in place endless desolate depressive days
    despairs sobbing cried out eyes
    to saddest songs convulsed in a heap
    this despised hopeless lonely freak

    III.

    Spark of love returned
    false hopes could ever be
    deceived easier then
    seeing what I wanted to see
    once again constrain my form
    unspoken facades once more
    became the anguished norm

    My love then spoke dumb words
    of uncomprehending acceptance
    Should have known to more seriously ask
    was that one capable of
    such a monumental task?

    once more the blame, shame, guilt
    self loathing hate
    quenched once more with bourbon
    and long dark winding bullfrog croaking
    huffing puffing dirtroad stomping
    tryptamine nights fist clenching
    sweaty knives fueled by
    secret desires for mortal fights

    IV.

    Yet again despising my life
    Such as I was left no choice
    but daily dream and plot
    to drive away that wife
    for the chance to
    keep alive my dwindling light

    Crimson courts, custody fights
    hearings gone bad, sleepless nights
    deepest secrets aired dirty laundry
    but I stood my ground
    fought for my daughter
    to keep her around

    V.

    Meaning in life I did gain for
    the past decade endured pain
    my flesh and blood legacy
    sweet angel girl who I named
    defender of humanity

    Once again free to be
    that which was always meant to be
    equilibrium regained
    a life of struggle pain and sorrow
    subsiding now into the resigned
    hopes for a better tomorrow

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