To answer my own question, yeah I probably am. On (pretty much) day 3 of my self imposed exile, I'm semi awake and pretty bitchy. I feel foggy as hell, my eyes just want to close, and I'm mad at myself but can't really decide why.
I have to work again tomorrow, and if I've not slept enough, I'll not make it.
I just wanted to see if I could STOP again, and how long would I abstain?
I know I need a support system of some sort to have any chance of abstinence, but mine is limited to my husband, and DF. There's no other personally known individuals I trust.
I am searching for therapy that charges on a sliding fee scale, to see if I can find one who can help me.
Because I was clean for nearly 5 years, I guess I think I can do it again.
Trying to ignore thinking of the fact I was 5000 miles away when I was clean.
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Am I so self-defeating?