Amy Winehouse Drying Up World's Supply of Illegal Drugs
A new report released by the International Narcotics Control Board (INCB) indicates that English singer-songwriter Amy Winehouse is single handedly drying up the world's supply of illegal drugs by doing them all. According to the report, the flow of narcotics across most international borders has declined dramatically over the last 6 months - including an 89% drop in the United States - as the vast majority of heroin, cocaine, marijuana and methamphetamines produced around the globe is being funneled into Great Britain.
Initially panicked by the enormous sudden influx into their country, British officials' fears have been allayed by the knowledge that the vast majority of the drugs are being consumed by one person. "Like a vacuum cleaner its shape somewhat resembles, today's Britain is cleaning up the world - thanks to our native hero, Ms. Amy Winehouse," said Secretary of the British Drug Enforcement Commission Ian Roberts, adding, "How any person can do that many drugs is beyond me."
While Ms. Winehouse's contribution to the global war on drugs is certainly worthy of its praise, the relatively abrupt evaporation of drugs around the world sans any concomitant reduction in demand is engendering a host of other problems, authorities say.
"Ostensibly, the hording of the entire world's supply of drugs by one particularly dysfunctional blues singer sounds wonderful, but the reality on the street is that I've got a city full of addicts all withdrawaling at the same time, and it's not pretty," remarked Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaragoisa. Indeed, reports from around the world paint a grim picture of the repercussions of Amy Winehouse's prodigious appetite for narcotics as hospital emergency rooms and police stations have become choked with drug addicts who have attempted to replace their normal fix with toxic substances or have injured themselves or others in frenzied acts of violence.
"I thought the junkies downtown were a bit unsightly before, but they were still pretty much harmless and at least pretended to want your money so they could buy food," said Rebecca Kolb of St. Louis, Missouri, "But now you can't walk half a block without some twitching derelict asking you for smack or crank. This one woman asked my five year-old daughter if she was holding any 'H', and when she said no, she called her a lying slut."