Many have heard of him. Many claim to know him. His exploits are often described by those whose lives he touched. Many doubt his existence, claiming his name is an acronym for "someone who isn't me". But I, Robert Porter, have tracked down the man whose birth certificate reads Swimmerton James Chauncey, better known to his friends as SWIM.
He sits at his computer, surrounded by discarded needles, smears of powder, bottles of various elixirs, and the crumbled remains of herbal products of various descriptions. I sit down with him at his home, far underneath the surface of the Antarctic tundra. Tracking him down is a story in itself, but I am not writing this to describe my exploits (as interesting as they are).
Me: So, Mr. Chauncey...
SWIM: Please, call me SWIM.
Me: Alright, SWIM. Tell me how it is that you have achieved such notoriety in the drug using circles?
SWIM: (chuckles) Well, as you can see I only have one arm.
Me: Really? I hadn't noticed.
SWIM: You're too kind. Anyway, I was in the process of attempting to inject DXM, and needless to say it didn't go well for me. I lost my arm, and for the record it didn't get me high. Anyway I already had quite the following, and being that I could no longer type I asked my friends to speak for me, as it were. So now I have literally thousands of adults describing my exploits on various drug forums all over the net.
Me: What do you say to those that think you are just a name used to avoid self incrimination.
SWIM: (chuckles again) Well Robert, that would be fitting given my one arm. But as you can plainly see, I do exist. I do the things no one would admit to doing, and no one in their right mind would try. The vast majority of my writers have never touched drugs in their lives. They just find me fascinating and want to report on what I have discovered.
Me: So how many drugs would you say you've done in your lifetime?
SWIM: Do you have a lifetime to hear me out? You name it, I've sniffed, smoked, popped, injected, vaporized, and on occasion shoved it up my ass. A quick google of my name could have told you that.
Me: Google? I'm not familiar.
SWIM: It's kinda a big deal.
Me: Well SWIM, what happened? It seems your friends are running out of exploits.
SWIM: The Feds began thinking what many others do, that people were using my name to attribute things they'd done to someone else, especially those of an illegal nature. Excuse me a moment? (takes a huge hit of a pipe, exhales, and pukes. Then he proceeds to dictate, into a microphone)
SWIM: Oleander. Not fit for smoking. No high detected. Profuse nausea.
Me: Interesting life you've got here. Anything else you want me to know?
SWIM: Yeah. Don't EVER take the blue pill.
Me: Why? Is that some sort of fight the power message? Telling my readers to not accept the world at face value, and challenge authority.
SWIM: Not at all. The blue pill causes explosive diarrhea. Morpheus thought Neo would puss out and he thought it would be funny.