Analyzing my heroin addiction

  1. runnerupbeautyqueen
    From as early as I can remember I have always felt like two people. Or rather, I have felt like there is "me" which is my thoughts and ideas and then there is "my body" which basically just houses me until I die. I have always disliked my body, not on an aesthetic level, but on a mere maintenance level. My stomach will rumble and I'll think "oh great, my body needs food." Or "my body needs sleep." I feel like these basic things are annoying. I don't feel like I'm part of the physical world. My world is thoughts and ideas. I avoid touching things. I don't notice things. I disliked being touched by other people or having sex or even thinking about sex. I never cared about purses or shoes or cell phones. All of these things took me out of my little bubble of thoughts and idea's and back into the real world. I slept as much as possible until the dream world became real and the real world didn't exist. I did not like the real world.

    Enter heroin. First of all I inject heroin. For the first time I actually like he fact that there is a link between myself and my body. I put drugs into my body and I get high. Heroin kills my hunger, kills my sex drive. It is a tangible thing I don't mind touching. Heroin helps me sleep so I can dream sometimes lucidly.

    Of course now my dreams are mostly focused around heroin. Usually I will be trying to inject but I can't find a vein or I will be running away from cops, security guards, someone who wants to take me away from my heroin. About half way through my dream I realize I'm dreaming and I fly away by holding my elbows to my stomach and I flap my hands at the wrists under my chin. It looks ridiculous, I don't know why I can't just fly normally. I usually wake up laughing because it's so absurd. When I'm flying I can't go above a certain point and I can only stay up for so long before I have to come back down and "recharge." I just think that's interesting, if you believe in analyzing dream meanings and symbols.

    Heroin is the number one consideration in every decision I make. Should I buy this? *do the math in my head to see if I have the needed money* Can I go out of town for someones birthday? *figure out if I will be able to bring enough heroin with me* Lease is almost up on my current place? *figure out what area I should move to based on where my dealers live*

    When I'm heroin I think of all the ways my life would be better if I wasn't on it. When I'm not on it I think of all the ways it would be better if I was.

    I feel pissed a lot that I have to like the drug that you can't stop taking while tweakers and crackheads are able to just fall asleep and wake up sober. I'm pissed that other people can have opiates because they have a piece of paper saying it's okay. Why is it only okay for some people? "Because they are in pain." Who are you to judge whether or not I'm in pain? My pain is mental. When withdrawals start the pain is definitely physical. But those types of pain aren't good enough.

    I really feel like I don't have a drug problem until I lack drugs. I don't think I should have to quit doing something just because others don't agree with it. If someone else wants to tell me what I can and cannot put into my body that person should also have to be responsible for feeding me, housing me, and paying my medical bills. And since no one is volunteering I guess I'm stuck with providing for myself. As long as I don't provide myself with heroin, god forbid.

    Heroin is a great motivation. Can't hit snooze on the alarm or I won't have time before work to do my shot. Can't be late for work or I wont get paid. Can't not get paid because then I can't afford heroin. Can't not afford heroin because then I can't sleep. Can't not sleep because then I can't go to work. Work = money = heroin. Heroin = work = money. The triangle is the most stable structure. If one of piece of the triangle was missing the other two would cease to exist as well.

    I've been really doing well with my nicotine habit. I haven't smoked in like 2 days and the few times before that were few and far between. I'm not quitting, trying to quit, nor do I want to quit. I used to shoot up crack every day. I shot meth for months. MDMA 3x a week. Cocaine for weeks. Ketamine. Alcohol. I had no problem stopping any of these drugs. One day I was just like "eh, not worth it anymore." And I quit. But heroin feels like it's worth it. See my little profile picture? Heroin: its worth it because I'm worthless.

    I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone. My friends that don't use don't understand. I don't want to lie to them about my life or scare them which pretty much means I can't tell them anything. I have almost no friends who use that I trust. 95% of them have robbed me blind the first chance they got. I'm not even mad about it, just sad. I always value the friendship way more than the other person. So basically I can't be friends with normal people because they are too normal and I can't be friends with junkies because they are too junkish. The relationships I value the most are those with people half way around the world I have never actually met.

    "For me, being hooked on dope is like being at a locked-in carnival. When you first get there, it’s awesome. You can ride all the rides, try all sorts of new stuff, play games, hang with your friends, etc, and you’re having the time of your life. But after being there a while, you start to notice that some of the rides aren’t put together that well, and some of your friends die while riding them. You stand back and see all the imperfections, all the suckiness, all the terror and fear that you’ve been enjoying for so long, and it stops being fun. But you can’t leave. And the rides look so exciting, so tempting, that you stop looking for a door and jump back on the Tilt-A-Whirl with the decision to just ride until you die."

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  1. SpatialReason
    My heart hurts while reading this. I understand this far too well. RUBQ, this feels like you have described my own circumstances. While I am not an IV heroin user, I was a dissociative and stimulant abuser who used to simply bypass the normal functions of my mind and body. Happiness was but a dose away... so I thought...

    It hurts to read this. I really could never afford the ability (physically) to do IV use, and my drugs of choice would surely kill me if I decided to go that route.

    The pain we speak of is always mental. Sometimes it takes years to get over. I used to be the innocent, warm, happy, fuzzy, and not-give-a-fuck type that had nothing to do with drugs. All it takes is for your color and warmth of your heart to be sucked out through events that leave you feeling angry and reeling.

    If it wasn't for my job, I'd probably have banged a shot by now of something I'd sooner or later regret. I am trying to run away from the drug lifestyle, but the people and the drugs are still chasing me.

    There are still good people who care. We are around. We do care. Heroin never does care. There is no love there... as much as there is no pain...

    Just try to keep firm in the reality that there is a person worth living for and a life worth holding dear. I have been struggling daily with that whole thought, which I thought was nonsense at one point, and it is slowly coming around to where I am finding a little inner-peace. I am coming to terms with tragedy and loss, and I am coming to terms with the person I hate the most: myself.

    We will get there...
  2. coolhandluke
    i always viewed my addiction to opiates in a similar way. being dependent on heroin makes sure you always have something to do. when i was using everything i did revolved around getting oxys or heroin, morning, noon, night. when i woke up i used so i could go to work, when i worked all my money went to buy dope, after work i went to score. when i wasn't working i was always involved in something to make money to go score.

    being addicted means you always have something you need to do, no idle hands, no time to feel feelings, your either spending your time high on heroin or making money to get high.

    i personally do not want to live like that again, i enjoy having friends i dont need to worry about stealing everything in my pockets while im nodding out so hard i cant realize it. i enjoy not having to constantly be on the hustle 24/7, worrying about dope every waking moment, worrying about heat from the cops. i was a cunt hair away from a case where if one person spoke my name i would have done some pretty hard time, at least 3 or 4 years.

    i still think about going back to it from time to time when im bored or lonely, if i were addicted id either be high or doing something with people so i can get high, i'd always have something to do and wouldn't have to figure out what to do with myself when im feeling depressed. i'd always have an objective to work toward, money or dope. life is hard to deal with but if i were on dope i'd end up in jail, dead, homeless, or something else which i dont want to be.

    i can really relate to how you feel rubq, for me a point came where i got tired of having to grind all day just to feel like im in heaven for a few hours. plus i HATED being paranoid about cops and snitches because in order to not be dopesick i had to do all kinds of illegal shit all day.
  3. aquatic
    RUBQ- you should stop using. That was depressing.
  4. BuddyHolly118
    I've felt about the same way about my addiction, thank you for sharing your own story of addiction. You really put mine into perspective, and gave me another level of thought as to why I should never touch dope again.

    Also, the triangle of dope you referred to is too true in many addicts' lives. I'm not a shooter, but I know what not having any brown is like for a shooter, I have a friend that shoots and she left rehab about two weeks ago and is back into the shit twice as worse. She's sick all the time and now she got suspended from work. I feel really bad for her, but it seems that she's beyond the point of help now :cry:

    Anyway, try to stay on the positive side of things, and don't let your thoughts take you too far out of the physical world, that happens too often with addicts. Once we get caught up in the rush of the dope world, it could eventually turn into the only world we know, and that could lead to way more problems than we have now :confused:

    Take care of yourself.
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