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another one down...

  1. Ilsa
    swi just got the call, another former friend has od'ed and is no longer with us. i'll quit sugar-coating it: he's dead and he was a junkie, so who should give a fuck? well i do give a fuck. yeah, he was a junkie. yeah, he was an addict. yeah, he's ripped ppl off in desperate times. but he was my friend, and in rare moments of clarity, he helped me. he encouraged my moving and getting clean.

    sorry if this makes no sense, but it's my blog so i guess it doesn't necessarily have to.

    when will these types of calls stop? when will 6 months go by that swim doesn't hear about friends bein incarcerated or dying? and usually it's the latter.

    i am angry and sad. i tried to talk to another frined about this, and he basically said, 'well he was just a junkie, what did you honestly expect?"

    i learned not to expect much of anyone but myself, so i don't know what i expected. but this person was much more than 'just another junkie.' he was a sweet caring person, and he was my friend. and to those who would write him off as 'just another junkie,' i have this to say: who the fuck are YOU to judge and say his life was worthless? he helped me get clean, and now he's reinforcing my decision to have done so. who the fuck are you to write him off as 'just a junkie'??? i was too at one point, does that make me any less human?

    ^^apologies to the reader for all that. i am deeply saddened by hte loss of a friend, and the fact that someone else close to me took such a nonchalant stance stung quite a bit. i've noticed this tendency before though, the tendency to treat individuals who break social taboos (not just about drug use, but in general) as sub-human is ubiquitous. i think that got to me more than anything (other than the passing of a friend, obviously). i'm leaving the post as is for now. don't quite know what to do at the moment....

    to mods:
    i know this won't show up, as i'm a silver member and i know the rules changed on that. i really just needed a spot to vent about this and didn't want to start a thread on it, as it's still really raw and i am having trouble with it.

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  1. Ilsa
    ^^ getting there... last trip to florida helped a lot; i talked to some mutual friends of ours regarding what happened, and he was not in a good place, physically, and i think he was in a fair amount of pain... for which of course he had to struggle for treatment because of his ongoing addiction issues.

    this is how it seems to go for a number of people: chronic pain-->script for meds -->abuse of meds-->denial of treatment-->begin vicious cycle of black market self-medication + whatever the docs are still willing to prescribe. ugh.
  2. missparkles
    Your friend was a unique individual who gave you a gift. No one is just anything, except to those who don't know them. Hope you're feeling less ripped apart by this.
  3. malsat
    I'm sorry to hear about this, Ilsa. There's nothing more I can say.
  4. bananaskin

    That is what we all should do... just a millimetre towards a better yard towards a better mile.
  5. Ilsa
    All my armour falling down, in a pile at my feet
    And my winter giving way to warm, as Im singing him to sleep.

    i don't know what prompted me to put this verse here. maybe because i feel things again....to a scary degree at times. i miss my friend too. i think i am grieving for more than the loss of him...there's a lot of years of grief stored in me, as evidenced by the tears that are always ready to come out.

    thanks again to everyone here for listening.
  6. Ilsa
    ^^ well said, thanks :)
  7. TheBadMan
    "Just another junkie" is just an easy answer that, I suppose, is supposed to encourage you to feel better by discarding your concern for the addict's life. You object on grounds of humanity, which I think is pretty reasonable. Addicts are people too. People are addicts. It doesn't make anyone worth less or worthless.
  8. Ilsa
    i can't express the gratitude i feel for everone's thoughts (and i don't know why i ever write these replies at work, because they always leave me in tears,lol).

    his death aided in triggering some poor choices on my part, and i really struggled there for awhile, but am getting back on track with th e help of the forum and of a friend with whom i've formed a 'buddy system' for times like these that are conducive to relapse. i will post more about that elsewhere, however, as this space is dedicated to chris and his memory.

    lost, you're right, we are too young for this. and no parent should ever have to feel what you've been through, cyndi. to mary: i have learned to tell EVERYONE in my life (friends and family) that i love them on parting or getting off the phone...there are so many i left behind and don't know where or how they are....only to hear of them in this way.
  9. ~lostgurl~
    Sorry for your loss Ilsa, I don't usually read blogs so totally missed this. I can totally relate - we are far too young to know so many people who have died - all before their time. xx
  10. cyndi
    Swim's son was in and out of jail for petty crimes, usually possession. Enough to get under his skin. The cops around here saw him as a problem because of the drugs. He would sell as well as use. I guess he thought he couldn't take like anymore and took my .38 and shot himself in the head with 1 bullet.

    The calls may go on for a while. Friends mean well but what you really want to say is bring back my friend nothing else matters. I know that is my case. He was my son and I loved him and that is all that matters not his past crap. I get really sick of the stigma that addicts are bad people or well they are just sick. No they are human first with issues that they usually need help with. My prayers are with you. pm if you need to talk. Death is a nightmare.
  11. MaryWarner
    having read about your loss makes me cry.
    cry loudly and intense.
    maybe my post is a bit on the late side ...
    maybe i write things ohers have wrote before...
    but every time one of my friends leaves this way I am reminded of my very best friend who I lost when I was onrehab in 2001 and got a big letter from his mother, telling my her son, my friend, has died after being OD.
    one month before Iwent to rehab we split up, because I could not stand his decay. I never had the chance to tell him I lovedhim nevertheless.

  12. DopinDan
    Well the DEA has a war going on against prescription pain drugs, and doctors. Many doctors are afraid to prescribe, and many people go in pain with inadequate treatment due to doctor's fear of a DEA lynching.

    SWIMs father is a physician and had the DEA breathing down his neck. Lost his DEA license for a while. DEA made up a story that he was prescribing a lot more vicodin than he was. He fought them and won, but it cost a lot of money. A lot of doctors are assholes, that's true, but the DEA are the much larger assholes, along with the prohibitionist propagandists.
  13. Ilsa
    thanks again everyone. even talking about this brings tears still...it's really brought the issue of stigmatization to light for me as well. his doctors all knew he was an addict, and he had a couple of cool ones, but by and large he was treated as a sub-human every time he's ever had a hospital stay. at least he doesn't have to deal with that anymore.

    have another friend that i'm watching go down that road (after 4 years clean!) at the moment. i can't help but wonder if the derision with which doctors here treat junkies doesn't just add to the whole vicious cycle. having a doctor treat you like shit, even if you don't know or respect them, really reinforces negative self-image. it may be a minimal contribution to the cycle, but you'd think anyoen who'd taken the Hippocratic oath would act with more compassion.
  14. Pringles
    I am sorry to hear about your friend & the nonchalant response of another. I learned of the death of a long lost friend recently & it made me sad. I find it hard to understand why others don't understand. I try to be good to others as they did to me, keeping it going,

  15. sknkmnky
    I'm sorry for your loss. I lost a friend to an overdose as well. Words can't describe the way that makes a person feel when something like that happens.
  16. DopinDan
    Sorry to hear about your loss.

    SWIM just heard yesterday that one of his highschool friends he used to party with 20 years ago or so, ODed a few days ago, on some combination Cocaine, Oxy and rum.

    SWIM has lost at least 5 friends, and acquaintances, over the years.

    Alcohol+drugs was the culprit in more than one of the deaths.
  17. pinksox
    Sorry about your friend Ilsa. There's no way around it, losing people close to us sucks. And I don't think I'll ever understand the "just a junkie" attitude.

    Professionally, I have to admit I still take it a little personally every time we get a code we can't save...of course some because of age or circumstance hit a bit harder than others...but I know when I stop caring about any of them is the time I need to get into another field.

    Personally, I've lost two brothers in recent years...both to suicide. There's a stigma surrounding that too. I guess I've just come to accept in my own head, regardless of what others think, that their lives, and even deaths, had purpose. I struggled with that concept for a long, long time though.

    It's nice you found a way to reflect upon him, his life, and your friendship in a meaningful way. My kids and I planted two trees in the front yard as a way of honoring ours.
  18. bananaskin
    No apology needed to this reader... pain hurts and heals, and so does anger, injustice, sadness, fury, desperation, frustration, hatred and all else that is encompassed in pain.
    SWIM has felt them all and to some point been healed by them all, not in this specific context but for a long long time and release is never a bad thing.

    At peace

  19. yaba
    Sorry to hear what has happened.. Some of my friends are death due to drugs or aids and some are in prison.

    All you can do is be strong and things will get better.. And don't listen to people who say, its just a junky. It can happen to everyone, it happened to swim a few times.. And if swim didn't move away he would be dead by now he thinks.

    Anyway be strong !!
  20. cra$h
    I can feel your pain when someone says "just another dead junkie...." as if they all deserve to die miserable lives. There still human beings, most of them being real nice people in a cruel world, and something like heroin is like a crutch, and makes everything OK for a little bit. I'd flip shit if I lost someone to a drug, and someone saying "what else do you expect?". I'd probably come close to killing them. ah, i'm getting myself all worked up over it now!