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  1. Mick Mouse
    Has your attitude ever gotten you into trouble? Have you ever said something, only to have it come back and bite you in the ass later? Have you ever said something that sounded relatively reasonable, only to find out later that it was taken wrongly, or at least not as you intended? I sure have. And recently, too!

    I think we have all had the same, or at least a similar, situation at some point. What, in my opinion, defines the moment is NOT the ability to win the other person over to your point of view, but rather, to understand THEIR point of view! To realize "Oh fuck, did what I said REALLY just sound like that?" To see how your words could have been misconstrued and to see if changes can be made in the future to help prevent future occurances from happening.

    To empathize and to understand the position of another. To understand that others may have just as strong of feelings opposing yours. That does not make them wrong, or you right, for that matter. It means that they have their own opinion, and that it should be respected. Attack ideas, NOT people! That is a fundamental rule here, and one that it appears others feel I have crossed. I am not arguing this, and I am damn sure not arguing (or even acknowledging) the rep-positive AND negative-that was given.

    However, I will not dumb down in an attempt to please everyone. Or anyone. I will continue to voice my opinion, and I will continue to hope that others will understand.

    Empathy goes both ways, you know. I will try to understand you, as long as you do the same for me. Judging others for supposed harshness when all that was done was stating an opinion can lead to harsh judgement of others for stating their opinions. Tit for tat?

    I think not. Why? well, quite frankly, deep down inside, I don't give a fuck. My opinion is my own, and while I will be careful as to how I express that opinion in the future, I will NOT change it. You don't like my opinion, too bad. It's an OPINION! Feel free to try and change it. But don't make all-inclusive judgmental statements and the expect me NOT to respond! Lose the rhetoric and lets deal from a position of mutual respect. Express your opinion, but be willing to defend it as well. In a well-reasoned and logical manner, not an overly emotional one.

    Or not! Make the choice to go the other way! Again, I really do not care. While rep and promotions are nice, that is not why I am here. Never has been, either.

    Attitudes. Mine has been kind of shitty lately apparently. Oh well. I'll get over it, but will you? After all, it is YOUR choice to be offended. It is YOUR choice to get an incorrect read on a situation. It is YOUR choice to be judgmental and it is your choice to be excessively punitive.

    Just like it is mine. Lets both try to make the right choice from now on, shall we? I will.


    The next day. I have no idea why I am doing it like this, rather than the way I normally do!


    Well, in the light of day and after going through all of this again, thinking about the situation and reviewing everything, I find that my attitude is still a bit shitty. I think that I stated an opinion and was criticized/penalized for that because the person in whose opinion I found fault with didn't like what I had to say. I also think that the criticism was unfair, as was the implication that I was attacking the person, rather than the idea. My post clearly indicated that I found fault with the persons words, and NOT with the person themselves.

    I will not apologize for offering an unpopular opinion. Since when does that even require an apology? Nor will I apologize any longer because someone took offense with my opinion. I stated a fact as I saw it. That is my opinion and if you don't like it, tough shit. I am not "politically correct" and if your widdle feelwings were hurt, oh well. Grow the fuck up and quit being a baby. If you have a problem with my words, then approach me as an adult, and find out what in the fuck I meant before you automatically assume that I'm out to get you. In all likelihood, once I recognize your concern (I am blind once on a while, just like everybody else!), I will make the appropriate adjustments. To hide behind anonymous red or green stars and cry is childish. Not that I am complaining or even discussing rep! Although it should be obvious from other left rep comments that, as in all things, people have differing opinions.

    I also want to make it perfectly clear that the above paragraph is not directed to any one person. It is the "royal" you, not "you" personally to which I refer. For some reason, I find this entire situation to be personally disturbing. More so than it truly warrants, I believe. Why? Well, there is the whole thing about being misunderstood to begin with. That, more than anything else, really bugs the shit out of me. I like to understand clearly and be understood just as clearly, and that broke down. Then, there is the attitude that I did this deliberately and with malice aforethought. The excessive penalization. The unwillingness to consider the fact that maybe I DID have a point, even though it was (apparently) vocalized in a manner which was found wanting by some. I have looked at my previous posts, and I do not see where I was wrong. Was I critical? Yes, I was. Perhaps even a bit harsh. But nothing that I said was untrue. As far as I can find, at least.

    At this point, I see two possible courses which can be charted. One, in which all parties involved come to the conclusion that, while being responsible for your words and actions is the mark of an adult, mistakes can and do occasionally occur, and they should be treated as such and without excessive drama and penalty. The other is one in which childish behavior continues and the rift is not bridged, leading to bad feelings all around. Participation in the first course is the only option for me, and it is the only option that I will even consider, for that matter.

    As far as I am concerned, the entire matter is concluded. I accept full and complete responsibility for my words and subsequent actions and I have no desire at all to broaden the rift. I hope that is acceptable, because that is all you get. And this was written while in the grip of some residual anger, so once again (although it doesn't seem to mean anything anymore. Except maybe to me.) if anyone was offended by my statements, I apologize. I use this as an outlet to reflect and release, and this has certainly been a release! It is not, nor has it ever been, my intention to deliberately offend anyone.

Comments

  1. KNiFe
    Wow, excellent blog. I'm not aware of the situation that occurred, but I'm not given the impression that this article was written as an attack against anyone. Despite the fact that I wasn't involved in a particular incident, I've been able to apply this to my own life at this very moment! I'm having constant arguments with my fiancé. It's hard to deal with because we have an incredible, passionate love for each other that I don't doubt for a second! But the attitude problems, the grudges being held against me, the punishments that I feel I receive as a result of respectfully voicing my opinion/feelings, it's enough to push me over the edge ... or right into the arms of someone else for that matter.

    Respect is not a one-way-street! I really mean this, your writing made me smile today. You've made many great points that have put me at ease, knowing I'm not the only one who sees the importance of accountability, understanding/listening as opposed to attempting to force your views on someone else, and placing emphasis on attacking ideas instead of people. I remember learning these things as a 16 year old in Speech & Communications (that was a core course requirement for my first bachelors...). I always say MAKE LOVE NOT WAR! When the fiance and I are fighting, there's an instant pause / stop feature and it involves taking our clothes off lol..the rest shouldn't be public.
    S.N.A.P = Stop.NOW.and.Plan!
    I love Drugs-Forum and I think we have a great community here. I definitely feel welcome and I'm not much of a heavy poster. I prefer to listen. When I have information that might help someone, or prevent them from being harmed, I step up and type :) Thanks again, for taking the time to write this blog. It was the perfect thing for me to read today, it'll definitely influence the way I interact with my family as well as my fiancé! We all need to be reminded sometimes that we're all human.
  2. Mick Mouse
    While I will not discuss the situation referred to earlier again, I will say that I am happy to see that something positive came from it! It sounds tough, but if the love between the two of you is as strong as you say (and I am not implying ANY doubt here!), then the war is already won.

    Honestly? It sounds to me as if most of your problems are as a result of communication problems. there are many ways to handle this, some good and some not so good, but that will depend on your understanding of each other. For instance, can you grab her and say "Honey, this is important and we need to talk." and then sit down and lay everything out? And do so in such a way as to ensure that nobody loses their temper or things get out of control?

    Very few people can. Most of us have to tap-dance our way through a mine field, and even then, we still screw it up. There is always the option of professional couples counseling for communication issues. Or you can, like most of us do, begin badly, blunder through blindly, say things that sound wrong the instant they leave your mouth, and eventually-somehow-regain an understanding of each other again.

    I like to use a method that fits somewhere in the middle! First, I look at the situation from my point of view. I list my grievances and determine if they are real or if I am just being an ass about something that is stupid. Then, I try and see the situation from her point of view. I look at her grievances, but I do NOT judge them in any way! THAT will fuck you before you ever get started. After that, compare the lists. Do any point match? Sometimes, by looking at things side-by-side, patterns emerge. Can you resolve any of HER issues? And in doing so, does it resolve any of yours?

    After I have resolved everything in my mind, figured out what, if any, of her issues I can fix immediately and what of mine I can let go, then-and only then will I approach her with it. Tell her that A.) yes, there is a problem, B.) you fully acknowledge that you bear responsibility, as does she. That is important! I am willing to admit that I have made mistakes, but you have to do the same. And this is assuming that she did in fact make mistakes. C.) you make her fully aware that you want to work this out together. No "he said, she said", the time for that has long past. D.) take the conversation to a neutral ground.

    Tell her in advance that you would like to talk about the things that have been coming between you recently. Let her know your plans and do NOT give in to the temptation to "surprise" her. She will already be on the defensive, so do not give her anything to stress over or wonder about. Make plans in advance so you are not rushing around at the last minute and take your time! The LAAST thing you want to do is to come home from work and say "jump in the car, we're going out" Take her out to dinner. NO drinks! Alcohol, like judging her, will fuck you. Make it special! Let her know, by your words and actions, that she is important. Not the arguments, not the issues, just HER.

    My wife and I know that, no matter how bad things may get between us, there is NO he, she-there is only us. Keeping that up is hard, too! It is difficult to put the needs of another before your own, especially if it is something stupid like shopping for shoes when you could be watching the ball game But in the end, the relationship is always worth far, far more than the effort you use to maintain it. And sometimes, you have to let her win. Even if she is wrong. Then, you defend her against all comers. Not because she is right, but because she is yours.

    Once you have gotten to this point, the main thing that you need to do is to listen. Not talk about YOUR issues and grievances. You have already gone over this in your mind earlier, so you are prepared. Tell her that you want a calm discussion with no more arguing, because it is driving a wedge between the two of you, and that is not acceptable. Make eye contact. Hold her hand. Physical contact is important. Acknowledge her grievances, and ask her if she has a plan to resolve them. Listen to what she says! Sometimes, the answer is right in front of you, and you just didn't see it. While she is talking, sit quietly, don't interrupt, AND JUST LISTEN.

    Then, tell her your side and what you perceive as grievances. If she interrupts, sit quietly until she has finished and, when she is done, calmly tell her that you sat quietly as she talked and that you would like her to return that courtesy. Do NOT try to "shout her down" or run over her. Talk things over. Work them out. If you follow the above plan, lines of communication will open. Then, you just have to keep them open, and they way to do that is total honesty and respect for each other. You will still have arguments, but they will be resolved in an entirely different manner which will serve to strengthen the relationship, rather than wreck it.

    Sometimes, you might just have to shut up and take it, too. If the relationship is strong, the members should be able to take a lose when necessary. You CAN"T always win, that is not a viable relationship. I have found that in 25 years of being with the same woman, the art of knowing when to give in and just walk away, is the most valuable skill I have learned
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