Been a bit since I wrote in here. I had several drafts going but... I just didnt feel posting it. Sobriety has been hard. And emotional. I felt sorry for myself a lot. Deep in self pity, and plain old bitchy. So I decided to keep that to myself.
Both my dealer/friend decided to get sober together. We said we had more of a connection than just the drugs. It wasnt keeping us as friends....so I thought. Now I care so much about her. But her problems dont seem as easy to help with out the drugs. I dont have the answers. And I've felt more wore down than ever. The constant yawning... its pretty messed up. I eat like a starving person, till my stomach hurts and I could puke. But I still have the urge to eat more. Ive tried to keep it in order but the candy....I just cant get enough. And to be honest- I have eaten till I puked. Its like there is no shut off valve... just nothing satisfying. Nothing is good enough. This was last week. This week, a lot better.
Im still extremely tired. But back to my night owl ways... and not being able to get up in am. The yawning has tapered off and im not eating absolutely everything in sight... but im grieving. Im grieving the loss of meth. Im sad that im not able to do all the things like a super parent I was doing. Cleaning, cooking, laundry all while working. Not having any highs, even normal daily happy ones. I told myself his was mind over matter. If I forced positive thinking, I couldnt deny but to be happy. Addiction, and coming off drugs has effects. You have to go thru them. I have started to feel better about a day ago. But still dont feel like talking. Ive had money again to do more things again and it makes me feel happy that I have stopped so I can have the simple pleasures of seeing my son smile when I bought him an Xbox. I never took food out of my families mouth. But I did use this "extra" money on myself. And that wasnt right. However- my creativity has came back. It started where I had loads or creativity, then...it was all about the drugs. I hadn't picked up my pencils or paintbrush in weeks. Tonight I picked it up. And I was able to steady my thoughts, and its going fantastic.
I havent missed any work. Even though I can barely make it on time. When the station is slow sometimes I just sit. Stare at the wall... and im so foggy one day I swore it was Monday and it was Thursday. I know this is all part of the process. Soon the colors will be brighter, food will taste better again. And I am looking forward to that.
Im scared about my dental appt March 10th... having to deal with those expensive consequences scare the hell out of me.. i pray I can stay strong here. With my friend, and myself. I think I got out in time too before some unpleasant police issues go down with the original 3rd person in our group who decided to keep using.
All of this going on- life is good. And its getting better. I think we make some very hasty choices while on drugs. I thought I had thought things out so well that my choice had to be right. I could tell you several, but I will save that for another blog. But I am dealing with the repercussions of stupid quick choices right now.
But all in all... so far.... not as bad as I thought ♡♥