I am so broken hearted. I dont usually open myself up to people in real life. Im very leery, dont trust many, and I really am terrified of opening up and people going away. Thats exactly whAt has happened.
Maybe the part of me that has to have the last word, or the part of me that needs things to be resolved in order to move on is the issue... but I cant for the life of me figure out why Kay has stopped talking to me. i called her boyfriend tonight. I wanted to see how her courtdate went. He said it was pushed back. And so i proded.. asked "is she mad at me? What did i do?" He just said, i dont know. And i know of course he knows. Not only that but im sure she was sitting in the damn room. I said. Ok... guess i have nothing left to say. And i hung up.
Im hurt. So fucking hurt I cant describe it. I bought junk off her for a year. Stood by her. Gave her food when she didnt have any, bought her phone mins... all the while her boyfriend was getting 28grand a month and wouldnt give her a penny. I feel so duped. She totally let me down. I told her all my stuff. Listened to her rant for four hours a night sometimes over the phone. We also had so much fun. Even sober. Beading. Drawing. Talking religion. Men, life. I had never had this with any one person in my life. What did I miss???
Was that first week of sobriety all we had in common? Do I stop calling?? Do I stop trying? I want my say too dammit. I want to know why. I want a say. I want to fight to keep her up n my life even if she is as messed up as I am. But no way to reach her... is it time to let her go? Am I chasing a figment of drug induced perception of what she gave to me in my life?? Is needing her my old life??
I miss her. What do I do. I feel abandoned again. I just want a close friend thats like a sister
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