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By the time you see the red flags it's already too late

Rating:
5/5,
  1. runnerupbeautyqueen
    I just thought I'd do a quick recap of my last few years as most of them were spent away from the comfort of df.

    I realized I was in an abusive relationship the first time my boyfriend locked me on our balcony, tried to set it on fire, and once he saw I was calling a friend to come get me he put a shotgun to my head and told me "make sure you tell the 911 operator that by the time they get here your domestic violence call will be a homicide." He would choke my until my neck bruised, he tried to cut off my toe once, kicked me as I balled up on the floor, made videos of himself torturing me "so my family could see how I died." He picked out my clotges in the morning, told the nail girls how to do my manicyres and instructed the salon girls as to how my hair should look, in addition to telling me what i could or couldn't eat depending on if i was to be gaining or losing weight that day. He held me down and cut off my hair, he made me take a polygraph test due to meth delusions (which I failed despite the fact that I was not lying and which led to utter hell for the next three days). He picked me up and let me dangle off our second story balcony while I begged him not to drop me. If you're wondering why so many of these stories took place on our balcony it's because I started sleeping out there in a computer chair, thinking if he tried to kill me at least people might he me scream and intervene somehow. My neighbors eventually stopped, telling me I clearly wanted to die and they were done trying to save me. He kicked me out in winter completely naked and wouldn't let me back in until I agreed to sign a paper removing name from the lease. He tried to blow up our apartment resulting in the bomb squad having to evacuate our building. He was arrested and I was on the streets. He was in jail for 90 days and during that time I wrote him 81 postcards so he would know I hadn't given up on him. Most of them were me complaining about how it was December and I had to sleep outside or about how I was having to turn tricks on a street corner to buy food. Luckily I had enough heroin to last me a month so I didn't have to support my massive habit during that time.

    We never broke up. I found him dead in our bathroom after six months of him being sober. I suspected he had started using but I didn't bring it up as I was also using (openly) and I knew I couldn't make him do anything anyway.

    To get away from the memories of his death and our relationship I left the state a week after his death and moved to Texas to go to rehab and try to stay over. His mom was posting constantly on Facebook about how he didn't cause his own death and I murdered him. So I got to grieve while being blamed for a person I had no control over.

    I get out of rehab and promptly get kicked out of sober living for doing dope and getting caught with a boy in my bed. The boy and I start dating, start doing dope, and eventually hes scheduling appointments for me to have sex with other guys to sort our habit, pay rent, buy groceries, phone bills, court and parole things, gas, etc. We break up 3 times and get back together twice. We have since learned to be friends. He's been sober since we broke up.

    I start dating my dope dealer. He moves in with me. He's still living with me and taking care of me. I fucked up both of my femoral veins and for days everytime I'd stand up for more than a few seconds my legs would turn dark purple and start hurting a lot. Blood isn't getting through. Oxygen deprecation to the muscles is causing constant cramps throught the entirety of both legs. And even though I can't walk or move I still need money so I continue escorting and suffer through the pain these guys likely are unaware they're even causing.

    Where I am now everything seems hopeless. The last year I've had so many different infections and abscesses and health issues, more than the other eight or so years of my junkie career combined. I've been in and out of rehab and detox about 10 times, my insurance said they were done covering it (before I turned 26 and got kicked off my parents insurance. I used to think and sometimes hope that an overdose would kill me but now it's seemingly far more likely it will be a health problem caused by injecting dope via vein or muscle. Tar is nasty. I don't know what I expect from writing this, definitely not for the majority of people to finish it for sure so if you made it this far, congrats, you have exceeded my expectations.

Comments

  1. Calliope
    RUBQ I don't know what I expect from writing a comment, but I wanted to say I read to the end and fuck that is grim. I wish I could offer some hope in a concrete way. Or words that could make some difference. But what could they be?

    You don't deserve the horrors you've been and are going through. No one does. You know here on DF people will read and some will understand. If writing serves some purpose then write (even if you don't know why you are.

    I hope you are able to find a way out and hope returns to you.
  2. Cwb20022
    I'm with calliope on this. I know i for one would be angry and sad as hell if i see RIP under your name.

    You way to pretty to put yourself in abusive relationships. But trust me i know its easier said then done. But you really need to put yourself and your body before any man or drug. Again easier said then done.

    I'll repeat calliope and say.

    "I hope you are able to find a way out and hope returns to you."

    Peace RubQ
  3. beentheredonethatagain
    Wtf are you trying to do?, girl you are lost but not dead, you can fuckin grab yourself and do a game changer, fun is over this is the last call and you should sober up not for a week or two but jeez for good. You are able to snap out of this, but will you? I pray.
  4. runnerupbeautyqueen
    update on my whole "unable to walk" situation: went to the ER. Twice. Was told to "eat healthy, stay hydrated, and try to stop doing drugs." So basically it was a huge waste of time and energy and a couple thousand dollars.

    One leg is basically use able even if it does still turn purple when I stand on it. The other is useless and just hurts constantly and is the main reason why the only times I left my bed in the last two weeks was to get to the ER. I did figure out a way to crawl around on the floor and to kinda shower without anyone's help. If I'm useless I can't also be dirty.
  5. trdofbeingtrd
    I read it all, not that hard, and also no problem.

    I don't judge you for being a prostitute, I haven't walked in your shoes even a step.

    You are worth being happy in this life.
  6. Once.up.on.a.time
    Hey sweetheart so sorry for what you went through. If you need help or to talk please message me xxxx:vibes:
  7. BB1988
    You have such an incredible story. You are stronger and braver than you likely give yourself credit for. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you can somedaye find the answers youre looking for!
  8. Emilita
    I tell you that you are brave, strong, and so many positive words but at the end of days they are just words that l have typed. You are a survivor and a strong women for the path that you have been given.

    Thank you for sharing your story.
  9. Cwb20022
    Hey there RUBQ just want to share my brothers story about him one day just not being able to walk. If you havent already seen it.

    https://drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=283778

    Its never a waste of time to see a doctor when Ill.

    Also never a waste of time to get a second opinion if you feel something is wrong.

    Just to say again. We care way to much about our fellow members to just not try and help.

    Wish you luck.
  10. prescriptionperil
    Having PTSD, I can relate on a certain level. I'm glad that you expressed the pain in prose. Despite your depths of despair,, your self expression holds gold.xxoo
  11. prescriptionperil
  12. prescriptionperil
    Having PTSD, I can relate on a certain level. I'm glad that you expressed the pain in prose. Despite your depths of despair,, your self expression holds, gold. xxoo[/QUOTE]
  13. prescriptionperil
    Oh shit, the resident computard is sorry.
  14. runnerupbeautyqueen
    Cwb- are you sure that's the correct link?

    I can walk now. A month and three abscesses later. I still can't go up stairs normally or balance or really bend one leg but im doing better physically.
  15. Cwb20022
    Yep RUBQ wrong link. Lol

    https://drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=285641

    Thats the link i meant to post.

    Im glad your doing better. But you really need to find a long term solution to your problems. As it sounds like theres long term damage. We here care alot abot you RUBQ and dont ever be a stranger as i have plenty of respect for you.

    Peace.

    Cwb
  16. LadySue
    Hey R.U.B.Q. - my heart is just hurting for you. No one should ever have to go through what you've been through. We give up so much for our addictions...the pieces of self are the hardest to accept.

    I know you said you've been to numerous rehabs, have you gone to weekly counseling? I'm sure keeping weekly appointments isn't that easy, but if it's a possibility maybe it would help. Have you considered going on suboxone or getting the vivitrol shot? I'm not a huge fan of suboxone, but do feel that it has it's place when circumstances dictate. Have heard great things about vivitrol.

    I'm glad to read that you're feeling better physically. I sincerely hope you find a way out of your current situation. Keep reaching out, keep seeking. xx
  17. been_there
    I've followed you during my time here on DF. I've always enjoyed your intelligent an often witty posts. Don't give up. You can get through this. Hang in there..

    I cannot offer you any advice because I've never had to deal with what you have had to. You are clearly a smart person. I know you can get past all this and find happiness. :)
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