I’m not really sure where to begin, or if I really can. I feel like I lost something, and I don’t know how to get it back. These chapters were supposed to be about my recovery and getting through the tough times. Not about me falling back into my addiction…..
It scares me to think about what happened next that Tuesday night, how it happened, and where I went…. I woke up about 6pm, after sleeping for 12 hours coming off 2 days of smoking meth, did a Ritalin with a line of meth… .Dude finally showed up around 9pm, the plan was for him to get another G. But he was acting so strange, not like the guy I had met. The things he was saying didn’t make any sense. He was talking to my roommate, I went into my room to get away from him, he was talking about reality and we had no clue what that was…. Next thing I hear my roommate asking him why he is getting in his face, he got in a fight with him, told him he had to go, and that’s when things got even stranger… I’m not even sure how to explain it. I still don’t get it myself…. He wouldn’t talk to me, except in sign language… he was barking, IDK it just got stranger and stranger.
All of a sudden I started to panic; looking back I think this is when it started for me. I was obsessed with leaving, that I wasn’t safe and had to go, my roommate tried to calm me down and wait till he left, but I couldn’t I had to go RIGHT THEN. I went to my bff’s house, he didn’t know where she lived so I was safe. I was kinda freaking out over everything that just happened. I went outside to smoke a cigarette with her boyfriend, and that’s went it hit me, I lost reality. The last thing I remember was feeling like I was totally shitfaced and about to puke and pass out at the same time, I heard myself saying to him, “Go get Carrie, Go get her NOW”
For the next hour I have no concept of this reality, I don’t know where I was but it wasn’t good, every once in a while a window to reality would flash by, 4 specific things, first I saw my car parked on the street, second Carrie saying “you’re really scaring me, I’m going to call 911”, again Carrie saying “we can’t have the police here”, last was Mark at the door holding my hand, but he couldn’t pull me out of whatever hell had taken over me. I knew the only way back to reality was threw one of those windows. Then the voice told me to let go, if you let go, I’ll give you one more chance, and so I did. What happened next is beyond words. Slowly the windows flashed by, I started counting how often so I knew the time frame, then I saw Carrie in one, and screamed for her to grab my hand, and don’t let go. This is when my memory of reality started to come back. Scared Carried had called my roommate who said that was how Dude was acting; he then called my parents because they could get there faster. Once I saw my mom, and she held my hand, I knew I was back, but felt I could slip out of reality at any moment, that lasted through the next day.
Needless to say with all that happened I had to come clean, that I had a relapse with Meth, the next day I called my case manager and told her, she made me file a police report, nothing they can do I can’t prove how or if he drugged me. But they know he is the one who had been supplying me with meth, they were also going to find out who he really was so I can get a restraining order against him. So now the truth is out, everyone knows I’m a drug addict. But my case manager was very understanding, and is helping me get into an outpatient rehab program at the VA. I’ve known for a while that I couldn’t do it on my own this time, I was just afraid to admit, because I could lose my benefits over this. But at least now it’s out in the open and I have a wonderful support system behind me. I’m still can’t figure out what happened, and need to accept that I never will know. My friends said I looked like I was obsessed, and that’s how I felt, I saw the devil, and he scared me. I didn’t think I was going to live, I didn’t think I’d ever see reality again. I know this all sounds insane, it does to me as I type this out. Not even during my worst LSD trip did I ever lose reality… reality might have been in the form of a cartoon lol, but it was still of this “world” for a lack of another word.
I’m still having a hard time with cravings, anxiety, and fear. Heck I’m even scared to get high for the fear of losing my reality again… I guess you could say that was my bottom, a psychotic break, for me that’s bottom enough, now it’s time for me to get better and move one with my life, like I originally planned to.
At least this time I kept my contact with meth to two friends, so I’m not losing all my friends, just one I care about. But honestly, If he really cared, he should have never gotten it after I started chemo, my friend that I got crack from, he shut me off when I started, I wish Chris would have to, but the full blame doesn’t go on him, it’s on me for asking, doing, and not stopping. And even more so, for saying yes that one last time after I had 3 weeks behind me.
So that’s my story, and I pray to God, no one ever has to go through what I did. I feel like I lost something of myself, that I’ll never get back. But I shall overcome and succeed!!!!