I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I feel like everything is crashing in around me. I'm try to take it one day at a time, find I'm having to take it every hour at a time. I'd rather detox then go through the cravings, fighting the temptation. I'm so tired of constantly being in being. I don't know how to live my life without being an addict. I've spent my whole life addicted to something. Having such a bad opinion of myself that I let men treat me like crap. All I wanna do is cry, I love Chase, the cat I rescued, he tries to comfort me but che just isn't George, who I had for 17 years. I know it sounds silly that I am so losing it over a cat, but he was my world, he was my rock.... Chase is so happy to have a home where he is taken care of and loved, and I feel so bad, cause I try, but he's just not George. I miss Imogene sooo much, she wasn't supposed to just disappear from my life like that. Same with my Uncle, why is my life all of a sudden surrounded by so much death. I don't want to deal with it, I don't want to feel the pain... I just want to be numb all the time...This isn't what I thought my life would be like.
I feel like the black sheep of my family, we are all close, but seriously I'm the only one that isn't doing marathons or triathlon's, I don't have some great degree that led me to some great job. No, I'm out of shape (not fat, just not in shape), in constant physical pain, on disability so I'm not working. My roommate says I use/cheat the system. Do you really think I want to be on disability for bi-polar, I used to look down on people that were that weak. And NEVER in my life did I think the VA would find me 100% service related disabled for bi-polar.... do you know what that does to a person... Holy Crap they REALLY do think I'm crazy. Of course this criticism from someone who hasn't held a job since he moved back, and owes me a crap load of money, and he thinks he has the right to judge me. Yeah he is one of those people that if you confide in him he will use it against you when he is mad..... but he also does a lot to help me out around the house.
Then there is my BFF, she saved my life 2 years ago, I OD'd and she was the one who found me, my roommate, who lives upstairs, had no idea what I had just done, they found me in seizures on the floor. I woke up 2 days later. She got married, her husband was very jealous of us, we have that type of bond you just don't find very often with another human being. He made her choose between me and her... she choose him. She broke my heart, we didn't do anything with out the other... and she choose him!!!! But me being the person I am, when he walked out on her like I knew he would, who was the first person she called, and guess who was there for her. Everybody hates our friendship, but she is one of the few people who knows about my meth addiction is the only one that gives me the support I need to keep going. She was there when I was detoxing, even though she really needed me and my support she stood by and watched me go through withdraws.
My ex... whose name we don't mention anymore.. well he just made me feel so disposable, the things he did, the way I let him make me feel. I had this really horrible relationship, so bad that I didn't date for 10yrs, till I met nameless... and he treated me like a piece of trash, and made sure I felt that way, matter of fact, I'm always the girl "you just don't date", you're either my best friend or I'm only good for sex. I grew up thinking that if you didn't have sex with a guy then he wouldn't like you. I guess that's what you start to believe that when you've been abused all your life. I've become the "undateable" she's good for a fun time, but that's about it. I'm not unattractive by any means, but why is it everyone wants to date my friends but never me. Even my bff has men falling all over her, she is already living with someone, and her husband left 2 months ago, ever since I've known her she has been in a relationship, not me.. I'm not the kind of girl you date. Well to hell with all those men in my life, I've don't them it's not that I want to date them, but I'm not the girl that's just good for a fun time. Funny how quite your phone gets when you tell them your not a sex toy.... cause your not the kinda girl you date... why is that???? Would someone just explain it to me!!!! And I know what the guys will say... cause you are all wonderful, but it doesn't matter, I'm still that girl, at least my world.....
I guess I had a lot to get out, it all just came spewing out.. I thank god for this blog, where I can get out what I need to, things I don't have anyone else to talk to about things. I just don't trust anyone with some of the stuff I put out here for my D-F family to read, perfect strangers that only know this side of me.... Goodness knows if any of my mental health professionals read this they would be locking me up lol... and well who really wants to admit to let alone talk about the fact that you screwed up and started doing meth again, and oh by the way, I'm a slut. Yeah not the conversation I'm going to have with my mom, who btw controls ALL my money, see when you are disabled due to bipolar they don't think your competent enough to handle your own finances, cause depression or mania can lead to over spending. So yes I'm almost 44 and I get an allowance!!!!
The only step to take now is to clean up, I've never been totally clean, but I really need to take this chemo stuff seriously, even if it is a small dose, and if you can't be my friend cause I don't wanna go to the bar cause it's too tempting to drink, or I won't do drugs or whatever, then you don't need to be in my life. I've done fine this long.....
Ok Deep breath,......at least the panic and urgency of the cravings aren't so bad anymore.... I think I'll get through another night....
Till next time... peace out
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