First, there is nothing more frustrating being half way through your rant of a blog and hit the wrong button and poof it's gone argggggggggggg...
Sooo, yes I'm 11 days meth free!!!! No more w/d symptoms... except the last two days I've started having the worst cravings.... what I wouldn't give to have just a hit or two... and well we all know where that will lead me... So I stay strong and find the urge, no matter what it takes. Ironic, I'm doing all I can to kick the meth addiction, by substituting it with legal amphetamines, on top of my 80mg of Ritalin a day (god only knows how much I really take) plus adderall and provigil..... Well, never said I wasn't addicted to amphetamines in general.
And trying really hard not to abuse the opiates, my back pain has just been getting worse and worse, I can only hope and pray the methotrexate works, but of course that takes 6-8 weeks to kick in, so meantime still on the prednisone, but on such a low dose it isn't doing anything. Could this chemo drug really be the miracle drug they make it out to be. No more back pain, no more abdominal pain, no more fatigue syndrome, no more joint pain, maybe get the full use of my right hand back.... feel like normal healthy people do???? Ahhh yeah there it is, the anxiety.... Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.... I've had it for over 10 years... if it cures that too, .... will they figure out that I really don't need ritalin and try to take me off of it? That is just a horrifying thought. I can't possibly go without my pills.. although it's not like I take them as prescribed, I quit swallowing and started snorting 2 or more years ago.
Something snapped in me over the weekend... concerning my state of being for the last two years. In August I will have been on SSI for 2 years for bipolar, I'm also 100% disabled veteran for bipolar. You know what, this is NOT who I am!!!! I'm not weak, I'm not a victim of my mental illness, and I can function like a regular person. Although do to health issues I probably will not be able to return to my chosen profession as a Respiratory Therapist, but have decided to check into voc rehab to send me back to school to be an ECHO Tech (they specialize in ultrasounds of the heart). I've always been in the medical field, I can't possibly imagine not being in it. And it's time to pull my head out and put my life back together. I am so not a weak person that has to rely on the government to take care of me, that's ridiculous. And I'm tired of living that way, it's time to stand up and take charge of my life again. Mid life crisis over.. "hello" get on with it already....
Wow I think that was more of a rant than.... than what... I'm allowed it's my blog lol.... and I guess I just needed to actually "say" it to someone to know I REALLY do mean it........ middle of the night and I'm exhausted, time for some ice cream.. and a movie to fall asleep to... good night my friends
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