In a statement that startled absolutely no-one in the cosmos, Charlie Sheen has come clean and admitted that he once did some drugs and that.
WAIT! It’s steroids this time. Reports that currently no drugs are left in the world for Charlie Sheen to consume are unconfirmed, but we are advising parents to keep their ‘easy-pour’ (my foot) sachets of Calpol under lock and key.
No-one is certain as to why this has come to light, but rumours that Sheen had to remain somehow shocking after he confessed to the use of a fictional drug he alarmingly referred to as “Cha-lay Sheeyn” may be the cause.
A searing article from the world’s well-known bastion of investigative journalism ‘Sports Illustrated’ – a wank-rag for feeble men too afraid to buy real wank-rags – has revealed that Sheen admitted:
“I was enhancing my performance a little bit. It was the only time I ever did steroids. I did them for like six or eight weeks. You can print this, I don’t give a f*ck – my fastball went from 79 to like 85”
During filming of 1989’s Major League, a film that no-one remembers for any reason whatsoever.
His ‘fastball’ – whatever that is – may have gone from 79 to “like” 85, but – after his recent heroic narcotic intake – his ‘acting and likeability’ has gone from ‘shockingly poor’ to like ‘utterly abysmal’.
Reports are that Sheen is in discussion with Lionsgate regarding a new sitcom deal. We imagine this to be as concrete as the voices in his head.
UPDATE: We’re told that parents should also secure any supplies of Benylin they may have. Apparently he fucking loves Benylin.
by Paul Pencott
June 30, 2011
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Charlie Sheen Admits Using Drugs – World Rubs Eyes, Wonders If It’s Still Last Year