this is about a heroin withdrawal...well, a multi-drug withdrawal. it is not promoting self-harm or glorifying it. if you're thinking about self-harm or suicide, call Lifeline or the Samaritans. this is non-fiction.
You were fourteen, I was fourteen.You stared at me across the fire pit, and smiled. Your long, straight hazel hair hung nearly to your waist, and I kept losing myself in your deep sea-blue eyes. You let me. I don't know what I gave you, but a single smile gave me hope. I knew I'd chosen a grimy path, but there were beautiful things there. Your company kept me feeling safe, kept me from running from people who wanted me around for my wallet rather than my personality. We knew your fragility, but we thought you were like the willow - that like the willow you'd bend in circles rather than be broken. Your innocence and purity were breathtaking, even on a winter's night in a frosted and frozen field. We were all waiting for our gear... the acoustic guitar from one of the 'naturals' not wiring the rest of us - our dealer was on his way, and fully laden.
I knew you were coming down, because we'd come up together. The others were older, and your gentle smile worried me. You looked distant for a moment, and I asked if you were okay. You shaped a slight moue, then shook your head. You asked me for a marshmallow, and I circled the fire to pick a couple out of the bag. You only ate the white ones. I slid them gently onto a toasting stick...a stick, and looked across at you.
I felt it as much as heard it - the knife you held opening your arms like it didn't hurt. You didn't stop smiling - that small, sad smile, as I ran to you. Someone was screaming, but not you.
I'm sorry I wasn't fast enough, or that you were too fast.
I had your blood on my hands, and I looked at you. I couldn't cover you, I couldn't close you up enough. Someone ran for a phone, a mile to the farmhouse, and the rest walked off, heads bowed, as if they were heading into a church.
You said you were sorry, but I never knew what for.
I held you as you grew cold.