Today....has been rough. Not because of anything more than a stupid mistake. Last night I took out my contacts. I'm very blind. I had my husband hand me contact solution. Not really looking at what he gave me, I dumped into the little case. This morning I woke up, late as usual, hurried and put in my contacts. Ignoring the initial burn... thinking I had to 're rinse them cause something still on them. Than the burning pain became unbearable. I was literally screaming trying to get them out of my eyes..I got them out and found the bottle he gave me. It was contact solution, but a different type used for oxidizing contacts with a little metal piece. Pure hydrogen peroxide. I wasn't using the case with the discs.. I went to the ER. Eyes flushed. 24 hours of swollen, red and pain....
after ER visit. Feeling horrible. I started thinking about all the junk I've used and never gotten "that batch" the one that could "blind" me. Forever. As usual, I go to deep into thought. Let the path of I'm feeling sorry for myself take me away. I started asking myself why I use. Can I blame it on the childhood? The abuse? Maybe the solidarity in a marriage... or maybe just the disdain of daily life... I'm not thankful enough for what I do have. I have always been dark. Grass greener other places....
Is it healthy and productive to dive into why your doing something and try to fix it? Or just fuel for the fire? I feel this is where mentality comes in. Or will. I always considered myself so strong. But aparently my fight or flight meter is off. Letting excuses, and feelings lead my direction in life. Trying to constantly prove myself...Ive put my self worth in what others value it as. Its as simple as a negative rep. A distorted view of life that has to come from somewhere. I will stay in a situation just to prove a point. Even if wrong. I really dont know why im so stuborn when i know what the problem is.
Helping others to me has been the only thing that has kept me really going. And i have much more in life thats way more important, like my children, they are the ones who need my help. Not my dealer friend. Not the friend using while preg. I've given enough time to them. It hasn't changed... Dust your feet off and go to the next house... Panic and fear cant consume reality. And i am important. Learning self worth will be a new affirmation tomorrow. A post it note telling me to be strong. Not let the others talk me into things by their sob stories, how they need my help with something thats just going to harm me. You can care and help...from a distance.
Its very interesting to me. I enjoy a puzzel.. but if the puzzel is yourself, can you really solve it? Maybe im just delving in too deep..
I'm going to go to bed. Rest my burnt eyeballs, and pray for answers.
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