This is one my my favorite things I've ever written, it was originally posted many years ago in a terribly homophobic thread. That thread had to be deleted in the end, it was not something that reflected well on anyone and while I was saddened to loose the post, it was for the best. I don't know what inspired me to do this, it came out fast, hour, maybe an hour and a half with editing. I'm not generally a fast writer.
Well I thought it was about time I repost this here so that new members can enjoy it. I had edited the question previously to remove SWIM, so I could post it elsewhere, but I will leave my response in it's original form. It's really too bad I didn't screen cap the rep comments, they were some of the best I've gotten (and there were a ton!)
Sometimes we get some pretty ridiculous questions... I can promise you that lie you were told as a kid "there's no such thing as a stupid question." was a lie.
Here is one such stupid question:
Here is my answer:
That's exactly how the Doktor ended up as queer as a three dollar bill. Next thing they know it's nothing but blowing coke off of guys dicks and going down on them in bathrooms, with in a year, it was like, all gay sex all the time. The Doktor thought they were lost, until a chance meeting with a missionary from the Church of Satan, wherein the Doktor learned that the Dark Lord actively encourages "creative sexual practices", especially those where drugs are involved. Once rid of the christian guilt instilled as a result of growing up in America, the Doktor has reveled in a whole slew of unusual yet immensely satisfying practices including, but not limited to, Idolfallacio, Semen Snorting, The Chinese Butt Bender, and the dreaded Meth-Tickler, a form of sodomy so VILE that upon completion all Mormons within the city limits pee themselves a little.*
This act, "The Shotgun" is one of the most effective recruiting techniques our agents have. First discovered by Dr. Sigmund Freud, when he realized that "a cigar is NEVER just a cigar", it's effectiveness lies in the hypnotic properties of the marijhuana smoke reinforcing the transference of the target's lust for the marijhuana, to the agent's deep, yet sparklingly sexy eyes and rugged good looks. Dr. Freud also pioneered the "line of coke off my dick" technique, but found it considerably more difficult to administer without raising suspicions before it's effects settled in. Personally the Doktor prefers the "Penis-Shaped-Pipe" technique, once a guy gets high as a result of resting their lips on a penis shaped object, their lust for man flesh becomes so overwhelming, even the most potent drugs will be ineffective to that person, unless administer vie a cock.
It's one of those paths, that once started, isn't really something you can back down from, it's like The Yellow Brick Road to Oz, except with more sodomy. You've got teh gays and there is nothing you can do about it. So you might as well embrace the Dark Lord Satan, join the Queers, Fags, and Other Sexual Deviants social group, develop a taste for dancing to house techno, and learn to appreciate brunch, because that's what you eat after a night of hot gay sex.
Either that, or you can check into one of those "Ex-gay clinics" and have them make you watch gay porn while tasering your nads, what ever floats your boat!
No matter what choice you make, it's going to be literal Ass-Loads of Fun!
But really, you needed to come on to teh interwebs to find out how gay your friend is because he got a shotgun? This sort of deviancy, characterized by the need to share humiliatingly erotic experiences with total strangers is a from of voyeurism, and a sure sign of lavender undertones to the psyche. It's good that you've got some gay friends now, to help show you the ropes. MMMMHHMMMM.... Bondage....:::drooling noise:::
Love sets Fire.