Come on people help me out here! :(

By misskatie · Jun 29, 2012 · ·
  1. misskatie
    Ok life has its ups and downs and I'm pretty sure this is universaly true for everyone. But right now im trying to remember why i decided to go clean.. I mean, sure, i was pretty much on a track to self destruction and my life was going nowhere but i have problems far outreaching the fairly simple parameters of health concerns and acheivements.. I think ulitimately it boils down to one simple truth that while sounding melodramatic is certainly valid for me:

    Very few people know what it is to be universally hated.

    Let me explain: I'm transegender (and apparently very obvious) in a very conservative town. A VERY conservative town. And when im out in a public place well, suddenly i remember why i started taking drugs in the first place. I cant avoid being in public it simply isnt practical. This sutuation constantly brings out a side if me that almost revels in the idea of being 'totally fucked up'.. its a kind of defence mechanism I suppose that I'm hiding behind..

    The general reaction here to me in one of disgust or disturbance and its more than i can bear at times.. its almost like I have to invent a persona in order to sheild myself from it and drugs were a very comfortable way to uphold that shield. I have no self esteem. It's almost like im not ALLOWED to have any.. so what is there if you are simpky not allowed to hold ypurself in any kind of regard? There is a very dark and malevolent being who wishes ill on those who surround and persecute it. Tis is my reality.I am either something disturbing or a total joke. And right now i feel like i was better off totally numb from the social experience on drugs. Like being 'blank' was better than facing the judgement of others..

    So yeah feeling pretty shitty right now and need some sort of encouragement in my drug recovery or I teally feel a relapse is imminent. That or a violent outburst that would do me no good even if it is partly justifiable.. what the fuck am i doing? And what should I do abput this?.. I don't have the answers anymore...

    Sorry BTW if im totally dumping on you all here I just really dont have anyone else to turn to for advice..

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  1. Alicia
    Im sorry your in a town filled ignorant and stupid people. I wish people would keep there views to there self more sadly thou thats never the case. I feel very sorry for you i know it must be difficult. Your an amazing artist i feel there is so much more to you too so dont let people that are beneath you make you feel that way.

    Why let them win. You dont have to explain yourself its about what makes you feel comfortable in your own skin.

    We think your great.
  2. Saffron
    Everything Alicia said, misskatie, read her message again and again and again.....hang in there. It is so sad that people are so ignorant of other people's feelings, that they can't even imagine being in some one else's shoes. I am a firm believer that there is more kindness by people like yourself, people without money, hope or addictions than the white bread world of the middle and upper classes. A poor person would share their last bit of food or the shirt off their back, but some one who has everything and then some will turn their nose up at you. There are lots of people who care, and I am one off them.

    ps Your art work, WOW

    Take care ok?
  3. una_cavaletta
    Hey there, I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about the bullshit you've been going through & offer solidarity cos I've been feeling stressy and finding it hard to stay sober.

    having a low self esteem is like riding a train to self-destruction - personally I often think fuck it, I spend so much time hating myself it's my right to 'relax', 'have fun' (i.e. get fucked up)

    anyway your posts and threads are always really helpful. all the best, crazy
  4. Anna Thema
    stay strong honey and dont let the bastards grind you down.
    Who cares what small minded small town people think? they dont have to live in your skin.

    the only defence is to go on and build a happy and contented life for yourself, not easy I know, and often takes a deep foundation of blood, sweat and tears, but its worth it.

    this is your life misskatie, if others choose to look at you with fear or disgust thats their choice, you cant now and will never be able to control how others look at you, the only thing you can control is how you react.

    i only have this one life, i can spend it worrying about how other people see me, i can come up with a thousand reasons why i'm not as good as normal people, but i wont do it, i wont play their game. all i care about is the look on the faces of the people i love, are they happy to see me? do i add to their quality of life as well as my own? i gave up caring what strangers thought a long time ago, now all i ask is can i look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what i see. everyday the answer is yes i consider it a day well lived.

    all the best honey x anna
  5. beentheredonethatagain
    sugar we love you and always will! I would suggest moving to a gay friendly town, I live in a area that has pride parades, the mayor is openly gay, If I were gay I would love it here, but it still is okay .

    Do your best to keep a smile on your face and a bounce in your step and keep a good thought for the mr and mrs mean. dont let them rub off on you.
  6. beentheredonethatagain
    you have some options, after I did some running around and had time to think of some ways to offer help, I would suggest dressing down, abit like Bowie, yes david bowie, he can be comfortable in either garb. so if you are comfortable in your sexuality , dressing in a more gender friendly manner will keep the haters away.

    you understand what I am trying to say dont ya?

    if you have less problems in a metro sexual mode than what you have on when in the public square, I 'd say that would be the way to go , ?

    again that is if you arent ready to bail from there.

    dress for your comfort, right? then you might want to tone it down when you know there is going to be grief. so dress for comfort.

    at the risk of rambling i will example.
    If I were in the situation , I would give them all sides of the coin.

    you are lucky, you are both a man and a woman, you should or could enjoy role play in your adventures. not too out there but low key, go as a what you can best pull off, right? you said people are quite buying the trans thing, so go into a different character.... act a little , the world is your stage..
  7. davestate
    No one should be forced to act in a way that others think they should. She should dress the way she wants, the look she wants, the way she sees herself, the way she feels happy. Isn't that the basis for transgender/transexualism? The feeling that the way you look, feel, act and self identify is wrong? How you dress is exactly the same, it is the way you express/perceive yourself/feel comfortable. I'm not having a dig at you BTDTA, but I don't think that trying to "fit a square peg into a round hole" (IE trying to force something that isn't right) is ever a good idea.

    To missk: Think about the benefits of moving. I'm sure there are some barriers. Now list the barriers, and make a plan for overcoming them. I'm sure one is money. Drug use/abuse is a surefire way to lose a lot of money, without solving anything. Then you're stuck at square one again, no money, a drug habit AND all the same problems. If you have a plan, you can focus on it, it'll give you hope and direction. Sure you'll be surrounded by the same assholes, but knowing there's light at the end of the tunnel, seeing it getting closer and accomplishing your goals, can bring hope, confidence, self esteem and joy in itself.
  8. trdofbeingtrd
    Hey there chick, for some reason I decided to look at blogs and there you are :eek:

    Someone told me one time that there will always be an excuse for people to use drugs if they want to do the drugs bad enough. I can bet you ......well I don't have money, but I can tell you that the people who say that are either so delusional it's almost sad or they lucked out and recieved the bigger straw. I guess it's like compared to rolling dice, they get double 6's and some like us get a 1 and 2, kind of the opposite end of the luck. A lot of people have their natural born problems about who they are even if they manage to overcome it enough for it not to heavily affect their life. I got to tell you this though, while I had more than my fair share of terror and miserable experiences socially, you are brave woman. You are being who you feel you are, regardless of the looks and sneers. Regardless of the pain and loneliness that sometimes comes along, you are being YOU. That is NOT easy, not by a longshot, it is not something that the vast majority can do.

    Think of it like this, selling out who you (anyone) are so that you are part of is teh kool peoples shows that you are actually weak, not cool to start with (at least not that you will ever discover), and you are not comfortable with who you know in your heart you are. not YOU (talking about you know, not anyone hehe).

    Guess what :)

    This sellout mentality is NOT YOU. I think because of how hard it is or how much it can suck/hurt that you are able to truly grasp how strong you are. So you have something every now and then that sucks to get through it, it means you are normal. I would much rather have someone strong like you as a friend than someone who is so fucking afraid to be who they are that they cannot open up and scream to the world "THIS IS ME, I LOVE ME, IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF". You post with anyone being able to see the type of person you are (transgendered) from pictures on your profile, this is who you are and you show it.

    I am sorry for the down side of being so strong, which is having to deal with those that are insecure to the bone, or ignorant jerk offs that feel as if treating you a certain way shows they have the strength you do and only could wish upon a star that one day they will have it also. I am sorry that you feel alone in the way you do. This is a social issue for sure.

    Think of it like this, no matter how strong you are (very) even you will find yourself feeling human emotions you don't want to. When you do it's my opinion that it's OKAY. I would hope and wish you don't feel it so much that you want to always escape the pain, but to take a little rest from it until you are where you want to be in life is not a bad thing. You decided to not just be YOU, but also to get clean and face this head on. OF COURSE it's going to be hard, you are not superwoman, you are not some entity that can just go through life without it being hard. So now that you have made this choice, I ask you to please just talk to the people who have their arms like this :vibes: that are making themselves known on this blog and let us get you through it as you are now. Support here is better than no support at all. Human contact even online is something and I just hope you know that you have people who care and it's not just pretend.

    Keep posting, keep going, and most importantly chick, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!

    Fuck em if they don't like you cause we do :D
  9. Alicia
    If anything I think your immensely brave petal to even go outside. While Im not in the same situation as you are in. I find going out and being in the public eye having all those people stare you and making judgements extremely difficult specially with my upbringing and how I used to view myself. Now im not scared of nothing.

    I wont let anyone take away my happiness and will give a beating to those threaten me with harm. Of course I have a loving partner and studied various martial art over my years to give me my confidence it was what started my confidence was the need to never to be a victim again. You dont need martial arts or a lover although they help. All you need is the decision to not be a victim and to love your life.
  10. AussieJoe55
    I stumbled across your blog quite by accident while checking out the sites different areas,your blog was the first one I opened and read.Ahhh what can i say from an ageing acid is really short..........55 years have passed so quickly.What Im trying to write is that time passes by quickly my friend,dont let other peoples narrowmindedness,discrimination,and prejudice suck out *your lifes energy*. Always be who you are misskatie ,its your journey through this earthly existence.Dont let ANYONE change who you are or your beliefs.There will always be people who dont like someone/anyone for whatever reason,their color,their size, their sexuality,religion. These people dont matter...........they are invisible,you dont see them.Dont ever give these kind of people the power or influence over you . Just like anything else in life 1 step at a time,slowly it will all come together,it wont be easy....nothing ever is......but Im sure you have the strength and willpower inside to do whats right for you.In the end thats all that matter..............whats right for YOU!!!..........and best wishes to you in future days to come:)
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