Ok life has its ups and downs and I'm pretty sure this is universaly true for everyone. But right now im trying to remember why i decided to go clean.. I mean, sure, i was pretty much on a track to self destruction and my life was going nowhere but i have problems far outreaching the fairly simple parameters of health concerns and acheivements.. I think ulitimately it boils down to one simple truth that while sounding melodramatic is certainly valid for me:
Very few people know what it is to be universally hated.
Let me explain: I'm transegender (and apparently very obvious) in a very conservative town. A VERY conservative town. And when im out in a public place well, suddenly i remember why i started taking drugs in the first place. I cant avoid being in public it simply isnt practical. This sutuation constantly brings out a side if me that almost revels in the idea of being 'totally fucked up'.. its a kind of defence mechanism I suppose that I'm hiding behind..
The general reaction here to me in one of disgust or disturbance and its more than i can bear at times.. its almost like I have to invent a persona in order to sheild myself from it and drugs were a very comfortable way to uphold that shield. I have no self esteem. It's almost like im not ALLOWED to have any.. so what is there if you are simpky not allowed to hold ypurself in any kind of regard? There is a very dark and malevolent being who wishes ill on those who surround and persecute it. Tis is my reality.I am either something disturbing or a total joke. And right now i feel like i was better off totally numb from the social experience on drugs. Like being 'blank' was better than facing the judgement of others..
So yeah feeling pretty shitty right now and need some sort of encouragement in my drug recovery or I teally feel a relapse is imminent. That or a violent outburst that would do me no good even if it is partly justifiable.. what the fuck am i doing? And what should I do abput this?.. I don't have the answers anymore...
Sorry BTW if im totally dumping on you all here I just really dont have anyone else to turn to for advice..