OK, I am curled up in the bathroom floor, sick as hell because I tossed all of my meds, looking (according to the light of my fucking life!) like a star of The Walking Dead, and in walks said light! Now, I understand that she is "just trying to help", and I really appreciate it! I just never understood the many different.....facets, of her "help".
One of which appears to be geared to making me feel better by causing me to laugh, thereby practically insuring that I either shit myself (again), or end up trying to puke and laugh at the same time, causing all sorts of fluids to be ejected through the nose, instead of the mouth. So she comes in and starts reading off these cosmic laws that she came up with, and I thought that, since they made me shit myself and puke through my nose, maybe they would do the same thing for you!
1. LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR-This law states that as soon as your hands become coated with either grease or glue, your nose will begin to itch and you will have to pee.
2. LAW OF GRAVITY-Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will immediately roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. LAW OF PROBABILITY-The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS-If you dial a wrong number, you will never get a busy signal and someone will always answer.
5. VARIATION LAW-If you change lanes or lines, the one you were in will always move faster that the one you are in now.
6. LAW OF THE BATH-When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you do not want others to see you with.
8. LAW OF THE RESULT-When you try to prove to someone that a machine will not work-it will.
9. LAW OF BIO-MECHANICS-The severity of the itch is directly proportional to the reach.
10. LAW OF THEATER AND SPORTS ARENA-At any event, the people who have seats farthest from the aisle will always arrive last. They are the ones who leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet, and they also always leave early, before the end of the game or performance is over. However, the people who have aisle seats come early, never move, do not have long legs or biog bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the event.
11. THE COFFEE LAW-As soon as you sit down with a cup of hot coffee, the boss will ask you to do something which will last exactly as long as it takes the coffee to get cold.
12. LAW OF LOCKERS-If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES-The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on the floor are directly correlated to the newness ans cost of the carpet or rug.
14. LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT-Anything is possible if you do not know what you are talking about.
15. LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE-If the clothes fit, they will be ugly.
16. LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING-A closed mouth gathers no feet.
17. LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY-As soon as you find a product that you really like, it will stop being made.
18. LAW OF THE DOCTOR OFFICE-If you feel sick, make an appointment to see the doctor and by the time you get there, you will feel better. But do not make an appointment, and you will stay sick until you do.
There are more, but it is time for me to worship at the great white throne of the god Ralph again, so maybe later. Until then-and with love in my heart-I hate you all and I wish you felt like I did!