Countdown to Rehab?

By Poppi · May 14, 2014 · ·
  1. Poppi
    The time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things...

    Like Alice down the rabbit hole, I have come to discover myself mired deep in an addiction the likes of which I have never experienced before.

    I'm addicted to IV methamphetamine despite my lost ability to successfully hit a vein in the last three weeks (April 22nd marked my last rush) and for a while I even stopped trying to IV completely. I went from shooting six or seven times a day and collapsing at least two veins (crook of each elbow) to only using orally once or twice a day to get up in the morning and try to function. I've developed all manner of health and psychiatric problems directly associated with my meth use, and it's just ugly now. I'm living essentially hour to hour at this point, and though I hate living like this, I can't stop using. I don't even remember the high anymore it's been so long.

    In response to the growing emergency of my addiction my family (who are all aware by now) have convened in a manner of speaking to offer me help or threaten me with it. My mom is planning a spectacle of an intervention where she will hold firm her threat of disowning me permanently should I not accept the county-run inpatient treatment help I absolutely refuse to go to (been there before). I have one other possibility for treatment in my aunt and uncle who are wealthy but perhaps close-fisted. There's a chance I could get into a slightly more respectable and well-run facility than the dredges of the California drug treatment programs that are our county- and state-run facilities, but that's a kindness from the heart and not something I can necessarily ask bluntly for.

    I am by no means prepared to go inpatient despite my rational mind reminding me every minute that it is a necessity at this point. I've lost confidence and trust in the recovery process and in addiction counselors as I've found most of them are a joke. I've become cynical and critical of the whole thing. I think that's a reaction based in fear, but I'm not completely in the dark about rehab as I've been before. I just don't want to go, plain and simple. I don't want to live like this, and know I can't keep it up, but the thought of going inpatient fills me with dread and apprehension.

    I'm not crying out for help or glamorizing my drug use as I've done in my past two blogs; I'm simply offering an update for those interested parties who might have a perspective on the situation different from my admittedly warped view, and I'm willing to at least read what others might offer from their own experience. If nothing else, I suppose this entry serves as a placeholder for where I'm at now. Any thoughts, friends?

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  1. Gallama
    Well, I do think it is horrid for your mother to "disown" you for this. If I were a father I would never, no matter how far they had fallen, tell my child that I would not be there for them. Despite your hesitancy, I would at least make a heartfelt appeal to your aunt and uncle. If that is what it takes for you, the worst answer you could get is a no. I know you feel it is a kindness from the heart, but we are talking about mitigating the damage you've done so far, not becoming a statistic due to your lifestyle, and getting your life back from the clutches of addiction. At the end of the day though, perhaps you will have to accept that a state run inpatient facility is the best you can get. Maybe you will have to make it through this not with the best treatment, but with raw, unmedicated heart. All the best.

  2. TheBigBadWolf

    Yes. Thoughts.

    At first I wanna tell you that I am with Gallama in that shoud try get possibility for the most 'high-class' rehab Facility you can get. Go for it. It can change much in your mindset when you can be content with the treatment options.

    What exactly is an inpatient rehab where you are?
    I have been to two in my country, back a few years ago, the one was for three months- the other seven months, with an additional year in a clean living community. I was reluctant to go, both times, but wouldn't want to miss one single day.
    Me-time, thats what I got.

    These were back in '99 and '03 for Heroin addiction and yes, I didn't stay clean. Which was not the rehab facility's guilt ;)

    Fun aside - how do I have to imagine it what you're gonna do, - and what is it that is making you uncomfortable with the thought you would go inpatient?
    Do you think you don't deserve use up someone's money because you have an illness?

    Let me tell you you deserve a life you want to live , that you don't want this one anymore you wrote above. Do the logical thing.
  3. Beenthere2Hippie
    Sorry I came upon your blog a tad late. I'm notorious for being late to all occasions.

    Did your mom and the family approach you yet or are you still sitting in limbo, waiting for the ax to drop? Either way, when you're ready to make the necessary changes things will fall into place on their own. All you have to add is true interest.

    If you don't have the interest yet, don't panic or feel hopeless. Whether you borrow monies from your aunt or wind up in a lesser quality rehab, you'll make your recovery happen. It really has nothing (or little) to do with your surroundings, or even the quality of the facility and the staff. That all helps, but we both know that ninety-nine percent of what it takes to get sober is your own want to do so. The rest is window-dressing. When you're ready, it'll happen. You're a smart lady and will make the right decisions.

    Wishing you well,
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