Crazy for using, or crazy from using?!

By knightsmith · Apr 29, 2012 · ·
  1. knightsmith
    Posting this was extremely difficult for me, I feel exposed. I will remove it soon, I just need feedback. The original post, with bits edited for understanding.

    Normally......when we tell a story, we start at the beginning, as this is where the background information is, but thats not relevant right now.

    Hiding behind anonymity, may be my courage for posting this, but could be my down fall, if this post is discovered by someone who knows me.

    Right now, theres a clattering banging sound, a wardrobe door slamming repeatedly, as my legs are tensed up, wobbling back and forth, as I write this, in a very tense posture.

    There are no other sounds, apart from the sighs of a guy with many regrets, feeling like his time is up, No i'm definately not suicidal, I would never lay that burden on anyone, besides I fear death more than many, i'm a coward that way.

    My head/brain feels strange, like i'm expecting it to just pop, or zap me, and then i'll be gone for good. I've had more anxiety attacks than most, i've even felt paranoia, but this, this feels so different. I'm very scared of this feeling.

    By using energy boosters/stimulants did I trade away my whole future? my whole life in exchange for 9 months, where I had the energy to get out of bed, to play games with my best friend who means everything to me, to spend 5 hours with her on average, to be able to do things as a normal human being.

    Right now, in my possibly paranoia anxious state of mind, would I trade those 9 months of fun, for a future that could possibly not include that friend? NO. Would I trade those 9 months for a future, where she exists, all is well, happy? ABSOLUTELY.

    I wish to reverse this trade, I want my life back, please!

    You may feel from my words, I feel my mental state unwiring itself day by day. I grasp hold of my beacon of strength, hoping to hold on long enough just to get to her. I've nobody to blame though, as I did this to myself. This wasn't the outcome i'd imagined.

    The positive outcome? Seek help, gain insight into kicking down that addiction monster for good, accepting responsibility, gain qualifications to compete with others, for the smallest of jobs, become a productive member of society, become the person a genuine woman would be proud to be associated with, and to help others, educate them so they learn from MY mistakes as well as their own.

    The negative outcome? To die, letting my family down, and most of all my friend. Gasping with the last breath, my mind recalling the time my friend was crying, her words were "I just don't want anyone else to die" from a woman, who is soo strong, that cares for everyone else putting everyone else before her own needs, the person I swore i'd look out for, as for some reason her happyness was my happyness, from a selfish dude, thats saying alot. To have a letter land at her door explaining why i'm no longer here, the biggest betrayal you could pull on someone you're supposed to look out for? telling her , don't worry you'll be ok, I made my dad and brother promise to look out for you? at least I can live with the fact I wrote you a letter explaining the situation? you found me when I was so ill, unable to stay up for an hour straight, I took stimulants, so I could do things normal people could do, I felt so inspired and motivated, to change myself for the better, for myself, and yes ladies, you got me, a little, ok alot, for her too.

    Weighing up the potential positive and the potential negative outcome, I decided to stand up and fight, to get off the floor, and stop whining like a little kid whos lost his bag of sweets.

    The actual outcome at this moment, a guy whos trying to warn you of the dangers of being a human guinnea pig. Theres a reason many of these items have labels stating "NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION". Maybe you'd wake up if it read "YOU'RE OUR UNCOMPENSATED GUINNEA PIG WHOS PAYING TO TEST OUR CRAP" ? The many health risks are still UNKNOWN, but I can for sure tell you one of them now, mental problems.

    I actually bit the bullet a few days ago, and covered it in sugar 100 times over, and told my friend about my use of stimulants. How can someone you've come to rely on be so lenient, yet so hard at the same time? When codeine had me at my weakest, I never once gave in, like the time I was at my elderly aunts, who was prescribed codeine. I never stole a single pill, and for some reason i'm feeling proud of that? i'm not proud, i'm just thankful I spared my aunt the disappointment.

    The words echoing, do I have to hide my pills everytime you come over? in my head! and for some reason I can't help but feel offended, as i'm no thief, and this addiction was as unforseen as my first one. Suffering mind shattering headaches, I became dependant on painkillers. Now i'm dependant on energy boosters.

    My conclusion is, if you've never been addicted to a substance like many here, you'll never truly get what we go through, pretend as you will that you know what we're going through, you'll never until you've been there, felt it, tasted it, experienced yourself being the pawn, moved like a puppet on a string, from the addiction.

    So if you're about to tell your wife, husband, son, daughter, nephew, niece, grandmother, grandfather, sister in law, brother in law, step mother, step father, god son, god daughter, brother, sister, half brother, half sister, half cousin, full cousin that they shouldn't be surfing these boards for support from fellow addicts, you could be about to cause more harm than good, as they'll be offered support not just from addicts, but from partners of addicts, giving a multidimensional view of the whole world of addiction.

    Now you want to know my game plan? i'm going to fight, and if i'm going to go down, i'll bloody go down fighting.

    No APB6 for over a week. I've taken other stuff though, which could have done more harm than the illegal stuff all combined.

    Also, nobody seems to have ever brought this up, that i've seen. I've seen a question or two, where the answer has been obvious, but its struck me, that some of us cannot answer the easy questions, because we've diminished our cognative functions making simple tasks, almost impossible tasks?

    Thats how things stand for now, and I never did give you the beginning of the story, its irrelevant, if you're not responsible with your drug usage, your escape from life may become permanent.

    If you would like to use my experience in a study/essay/or anything related to educating others in drug addiction, you have my permission to copy and use my experience. If you need any questions answering, or anything expanding upon, please let me know.

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  1. DHCdiva
    Please, Do NOT delete this post. Well, unless it causes you distress.

    Sticky it, Bump it, do whatever the hell is possible to make this entry read by as many people as possible.

    More people need to show the kind of raw honesty that is in this post. It's full of fear, despair, hope, anger, regret, and many other things I can't think of a the moment because your blog has astounded me.

    I too find the anonymity of DF means I can write things that I wouldn't dare ask or admit or discuss even with my closest frien or most trusted relative. I know I will not be judged as the same on here. You are right about people who are struggling with addiction get the most help by those who have been there, not by squeaky clean people who have never even so much as smoked a cigarette or drunk alcohol, because to them DRUGS ARE EVIL...because they've never had to rely on them to be able to do the smallest little things that other people take for granted.

    No one sets out wanting to be an addict. It sneaks up on you. It's a kind of trade off. For being free of very real, genuine physical pain you have to run the risk of becomming addicted to he very things mean to help you.

    You don't sound crazy in this blog. You sound REAL.

    And Courageous.

    I'm cheering for you.

  2. knightsmith
    2 Weeks without APB6, i'm getting slightly tempted into buying, I don't want to. I've had a few caffeine pills with salvia in but i'm out.
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