"As I hurdled through space, one thought keep crossing my mind-every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder."
"When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land. They said "let us pray", and we closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible, and they had the land"
"America is the only country in which a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked"
"I'm NOT a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God damn it, I'm a billionaire!"
"After the game, both the King and the pawn go into the same box"
"Men are like linoleum floors. Lay them right and you can walk all over them for 30 years"
"The only reason they say "women and children first" is so they can test the strength of the lifeboats"
"I have been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage"
Zsa Zsa Gabor
"You know you are a redneck when your house has wheels and your car doesn't"
"When a man opens the car door for his wife, it is either a new car, or a new wife"
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing"
"Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself"
"The best cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree"
"Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke"
Kill one man and you are a murdered. Kill a million and you are a conqueror"
"having more money does not make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I am just as happy as when I had 48 million"
"We are here on Earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea"
"In hotel rooms, I worry that I am not the only person who sits on the furniture naked"
"If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all of the impersonators would be dead"
"I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we are very skeptical"
Arthur C. Clark
"Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a guy wearing a Hawiian shirt and a baseball cap"
"Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is!"
"American is so advanced that even the chairs are electric:
"The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone"
"If god had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport"
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it"