This is copied to here from my outside blog
So, I was going through my pictures on Facebook today and was struck by the DIFFERENCE I could see in me NOW and me while still using. I always thought I was getting away with it, that no one would KNOW I was high as a kite back then as long as my eyes weren't dilated I felt I was safe to post away. It wasn't until recently that I realized it wasn't the size of my pupils that gave me away but rather the empty, lifeless, DEAD spirit behind my eyes.
I had lost hope. I was controlling my emotions the best I could with a syringe full of dope. It didn't occur to me that the visible bruising all over my body from a combination of malnutrition and multiple failed attempts to hit a vein were obvious as well. I was DEAD on the inside, and honestly I wanted to die on the out side too, just to end the emotional turmoil I was in.
October 22, 2013 something amazing happened and I will never forget it. In the middle of an impromptu Holy Spirit party with my bestie, I saw what I truly believe to this day was THE GLORY of God...There was a bright flash of white light and I was overcome by emotion, reverence, fear (but not afraid) and a sudden inability to stay upright. For the first time in over a year my prayer language came pouring effortlessly out of my mouth.
And for the first time in a very very long time...my heart started beating again. I might not have been physically dead, but I was LIFELESS spiritually, I couldn't see how any one would love me enough to save me, especially not God...not after all I had done against Him...why me?
Because HE LOVES ME!!! And He loves YOU too! He loves us so much that even though He already knew EVERYTHING BAD we would do He sent his ONLY SON to die a horrific death so that WE can TRULY LIVE!!!
If you are out there tonight, and you are struggling with something and I don't care if it is drugs, alcohol, abuse, self injury, feeling unworthy, suicidal thoughts...WHATEVER YOUR PROBLEM, if you are at your wits end...just try this for me...say the following out loud (even if you don't believe...what is the worst thing that could happen? really?):
"God, I can't do this on my own any more. I need help and I don't know where to turn but this crazy lady on the internet said You love me more than I could ever imagine and You even sent Your son to die for all my wrong doing. I am not sure where I am at or where I am going, but I trust that YOU DO. Help me God, show me YOUR way, show me YOUR LOVE. Give me peace. In Jesus Name, Amen."
I pray that you all are blessed and protected and that each and every one of you reading this knows how passionately you are loved by our Father in Heaven...the King of Glory! Hallelujah He is good, sooooo good!
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