As I write this I am laying in bed with my lap desk (best invention ever... next to the laptop). Anywho I am so tired. Like so so so tired.... It's like 7:15 am and I'm having trouble sleeping.
The thing about doing opiates is that I would actually sleep. But then I think about waking up withdrawing ew.
I think the best part right now is that I don't wake up feeling like complete shit. Yes, I haven't been getting much sleep at all... like in the last 48 hours I had 6 or 7 hours of sleep. This is coming from a girl who loves her shut eye! And now it's morning time and I haven't slept yet. it beats waking up sweating and in a daze... then going straight to your phone. You know?
Such a fucking hassle.
Sad thing is that last night at work I was really craving ocs. It was really busy and the thought "hmm I'll just get it right now because I'm making money and it will make work more enjoyable"
BUT I put those thoughts aside. I know how guilty I would have felt throwing all these days away! Like I am so proud of myself, because I'm more sure of myself than I have been in the past. It's weird how things happen and its shitty stuff but it makes you a better person. I really feel like even though I wasted thousands of dollars that I work so hard for for these little pills that take over you and even though I haven't done a single opiate since 14 days ago it still is having a say in my brain. I think it's the cravings.. I don't think I've ever realized how bad cravings can be. Especially when you can't sleep.
I'm a believer that every single time you detox it gets worse and worse. I stopped during August-October 2011 and it wasn't as bad as it is for me now. For example, I'm on day 13 and I'm still having side effects that before would pass in like 3 days.
Also I think the lack of sleep is making me go mildly insane. Plus having the responsibilities of being a human. I just worry so much. So much so that I hardly enjoy my life. But i'm still a positive person... more so when it comes to others or just me socializing with others. When I'm with my friends I feel amazing and fantastic. i went out last night with one of my besties and it was great because we danced. (I dougied haha) and just kinda let loose. All without me figuring out how to get another pill... which is fabulous for me.
Not sure if I mentioned this before but I have seriously the best therapist ever. I am not ashamed to say it. She is so wonderful and supportive and smart and beautiful! She reminds me of M.i.A (who is like my idol--school girlish i know)
But any who I've been seeing this Dr since I was 14. I've always had anxiety, before drugs, during drugs, especially after drugs. But what I mean is even since I was a little girl. It definitely runs in my family. My mother has some intense anxiety going on and unfortunately it only gets worse with her age.
I've been on anti-depressants before. I started with prozac at 13, then welbutrin about that same time, some other one i forgot, lexapro, celexa.
Basically everytime I would try to treat my disorders i wouldn't give it 100%. And thats just taking a pill like i did every goddamn day. feeling like i needed it. So I never properly treated my anxiety as my doctor said. Also prozac & welbutrin was not good for me. Made me feel weird.
Long story short I'm back on Lexapro. I guess i'm just skeptical. Like I don't think it will work or something. lame I know. I hope I get some sleep on this day. The sun is shining my friends. Good morning.