Day 23.. I'm free, I can breathe, and I am actually happy! Clean and sober and the day is almost over but I feel the love tonight man! My love life is actually going pretty good. I was talking to my girl about everything and about this forum and how it all started to unfold. She was a former coke addict but she's been clean for 3 years now and she even said leaving the porn industry was the second best choice she's made because she didn't have to feel degraded and abused at times. I think some of the things she's been through was part of the reason why we never became a couple. I told her that it's okay to have a past.. but I'm the type of guy who can't get over picturing a woman getting sexually abused and not wanting any part of it. It doesn't matter if it's in a porn set or if it's anywhere else behind closed doors. Sex is supposed to be fun, amazing and comfortable for the two of you in the room.. and when a girl says no.. and means it.. you don't do certain things because I will become enraged with fucked up thoughts in my head and won't sleep till I kill someone! My anger scares a lot of people.. but not her! She knows I'm emotional and honestly if she's going to be the one that changes me for the better. I'm still myself.. and I love myself for that matter.. but I know there are times where I have to calm myself down. But she was telling me how she's grateful that I made the choice to sign up on here and release my feelings and confess that I relapsed and admitted that I was a drug addict. I couldn't of done that anywhere else.. not even my own church.. well especially my own church. Certain things they say or do.. I mean they aren't religious but.. I don't want to hear bible verses 24/7 you know? I don't mind the bible.. I believe in God and all that.. but get on my level.. allow me to express my feelings without giving me grief about forgiveness and healing and whatever else. I have never enjoyed sobriety feeling like it has to be therapy you know? Therapy sucks! Listening to music or lifting weights or writing poetry or working on cars.. those are things I like doing to get my mind off things and trying to stay sober!
But I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart that you guys.. you all have been the reason why I've pushed to stay clean and try to motivate myself because of these forums to do what needs to be done for me and my health! I could use meth responsibly if I wanted to.. that isn't the problem. It's just I know myself with meth.. it's the only drug that I will either do everyday and re-dose like crazy or stay away.. and staying away is looking pretty damn good for me! I don't want to lose everything you know? Anyways.. that is all for now but I will try and update more! Night everyone!
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