Day 31.. Almost Pulled The Trigger On That Loaded Gun 
Sorry I haven't been online you guys. I promised that I was going to post on day 30 and I didn't deliver. I have just been feeling like shit with the flu. I get my annual flu vaccine and this time I was way too caught up with work and my love life to bother with it and it's been killing me! I've been breaking out.. my hormones feel out of whack and I have a pinched nerve on the right side of my neck running down to my shoulders and my lower back is even more fucked up that I just want to shut everything out and get high.. which is what I tried to do yesterday. My girl doesn't do drugs but she was using cocaine and sometimes meth when she was in the porn industry.. but she cut out all the people from that past and she's never been happier to not be in the industry and surround herself with enablers. At the same time.. I know shes like me to where it gets so bad when the little things upset you.. like acne, or being sick, or having a pinched nerve to where you can't enjoy each other or go to work.. yadda yadda. We are a little too alike and sometimes I love it.. but other times I feel like we can't lift each other up like we should. But we make it work and I guess that's all that matters. I've just been going through a lot.. change is never easy for me and neither is recovering from meth. Yeah I am clean and sober and it's day 31.. but this shit ain't over! I abuse the crap out of this drug.. re-dosing.. binging everyday and even with a great diet and decent sleep.. I am still struggling. Before I thought it sucked ass and recovery took way too long because I barely ate and I never slept. I was wrong! I'm getting older and this fucking drug still sucks just as much ass if not more! But it helps me deal with a lot of my problems =/
So I called up one of the friends my girl and I know and she deals sometimes for close friends. I don't trust women drug dealers because they let the drug consume them too much that they turn out to be shady.. but this chick is a professional and I couldn't get a hold of my old drug dealer who's never been shady and always hooks it up. But I haven't been able to get a hold of him and I pray that he's not in that much trouble with the cartel because that would be some fucked up shit! He's the only dealer who I can actually call loyal.. never been screwed over by him so hope he's safe!
Well anyways I am over typing cuz I'm achy and I feel like throwing up. I've been trying to keep food down.. but if anyone knows what's good to eat when you are sick please let me know! I just want to get better so I won't feel like crap at work and I can actually start hitting the weights again. So I called the chick up and she told me to come over. Everything seemed legit and I told my girl I was going for a drive to clear my head. She asked if I wanted company and I said no, but thank you.. just needed my space for a bit. It's almost as if she knew what I was up to because when I show up to our friends house ( effing big ole house thanks to drug money and the porn industry.. jealous! jk lol kind of ) she opens the door and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and asks how me and my girl are doing and that she hasn't spoken to her in a while ( lies!!! ) and she has me sit down and offers me a drink and I say nothing unless she has water. She seems shocked that I don't drink whiskey anymore and tells me if I remember the wild nights I used to have with her and my girl. I blush and say yeah.. memories.. awesome memories. And then it gets awkward because we are both sitting down and she's looking at me smiling and I smile back and say, "So.. what's new with you?" and she goes on telling me how she has an appointment to get her hair done and nails done and she's leaving to go out of town.. but that she'll be back a sec because she's got a surprise for me..
..this is when my heart starts to beat fast because I don't know what the fuck she means by the but all I know is it's not something that I am going to want to see..
..boy was I right! To my surprise my girl walks out of one of the bedrooms and they are both looking me with their devilish grins and my girl looks at me and points the index finger left to right, "Tsk Tsk mister! Were you really thinking you were going to get away with this?" Ugh what a buzz kill! I honestly didn't know what to say.. if anything I was glad that I got caught.. because I wouldn't of wanted to fuck up my sobriety because of bullshit reality and it's fucked up ways sometimes.. but at the same time I guess I was just embarrassed =/
So that's that! Her friend told her to take extra good care of me but I don't want to be babysat lol I want to already be so far ahead that no one worries about what stupid thing I'll do next. I hate this damn drug.. it ruined my life =/ but yeah.. my girl and I worked everything out and she's just going to have to learn to trust me I guess.. she says it's going to take time and she's going to be on my ass which isn't going to be fun for me because I'm just getting used to being in a relationship and being in love again.. and I was happy all those years NOT being told what to do because all the women in my life have been controlling.. and it still has me believing all women are controlling hahahahaha just teasing.. I love you all! Anyways.. not the greatest update because I almost had another slip up.. just goes to show you that if you aren't aware.. it can happen just like that! Always be alert and ask for help if you think you're going to dive back in.. cuz me? Personally I don't think about the consequences at that moment.. I just want to get high. And I want my mindset to change so I don't ever get weak the next time it happens!
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