An unplanned, unmeant detox. I wanted to get clean after the first of the year, planned, on my terms. But in my life somethings can't be planned.
Circumstances will bring a new year clean and sober. I have been clean 6 days. I cry, I laugh, I sleep, I pace... Still have fever and chills, but mostly a lot of pain. I'm happy to start off the year with a clean slate, so to speak. Thank goodness for pain meds, anti-psychotics, and anti-depressants (and maybe a little pot candy). It's funny the drugs it takes to get clean from other drugs. I don't want to go through this again. I hope when he shows back up at my door I will have the strength to say NO!!!!
Short and sweet, as I can't sit up for long and I'm not sure how much sense I make. I'll update when I can.
Happy New Year to my DF friends and family!!!!!
It’s day 8.. and you find yourself frantically searching… wondering… hoping… your sure you hide a little tiny morsel somewhere. You had to of. You had hidden quite a bit,,, that part you've smoked up already. But there is one more little rock.. somewhere… you remember hiding it so your friends didn't know you had anymore… because you were selfish… .didn’t want to share… but where is it.. the carpet… you spilled soda on it but it still sits on the floor waiting to be washed.. .you shake it out.. but nothing stands out… your heart starts racing.. wanting.. hoping… your hands start shaking… deep breathe. You know there will be many more days like this… and hoping you find the strength to stay clean. But you know even though he left a week ago with your money, he will show back up again. Then what, he supported my sobriety, he feels bad about my relapse, but I talked him into it. Time for a pill to help take away this anxiety, the panic, the desire… But she still wonders.. if she found a tiny itby bitty amount and licked her finger, does that count?
Things are getting better, I keep obsessing over my mouth, I feel sometimes like I'm chewing my face off. My sleep is so messed up. Either I have no energy to do anything and sleep for days, or I can't sleep and am up for a couple days. If I could just get my system back to some sort of normal. Withdraws are better, cravings come and go but I have found that anti psychotics are good with helping curve the cravings. I am starting to believe I may actually make one month!!!
Thank you everyone for your support.
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Day 6 - Detox