WARNING: This is probably gonna be an overly long, slightly boring post but I'm just letting it all out right now.
Please feel free to leave any comments I would love to hear from all of you and if you are dealing with something similar to me and want to talk about it don't be shy!
This is my first blog entry here on drugs forum. I can't believe I'm still awake right now. It's 5 o'clock in the morning here... actually I can believe I'm still awake because I am having an anxiety+insomnia overload.
It actually has been better today anxiety wise. I haven't had this hard of a time sleeping in a while. I mean, I've always had trouble sleeping... ever since I was a little girl sleep just came so difficultly to me. I'm a crazy night owl. I'm so awake. Not to mention the fact that I'm still getting these yucky things out of my system.
...I really feel like I have been in a constant battle the last couple years. I mean at first it wasn't as bad at all. But hitting rock bottom so often in a few years has really taken a tole on me. I'm a really happy person in general... but my oxy addiction chipped away at my soul. At first it was slowly but now its becoming unbearable. Hence why I have tried quitting numerous times. But hey I'm on day 8 so boo-yah.
The only thing I had to help me with this has been some suboxone i got my hands on, that I had ran out of by the 3rd day. But it's ok... Those first few days are serious TORTURE. Like you question why the fuck you were put on this planet to begin with. Yet you feel better because that light at the end of the tunnel does begin to shine through....
Other than suboxone I've been relying on a few benzos to help keep me at bay. Right now i'm on 3/4 of a xanny bar. But it's taken a while for it to kick in... only now I'm feeling more relaxed.
This whole restless leg thing doesn't go away for me by day 8. Crazy.
Sometimes I wonder what is happening to my brain while I'm recovering. Like if there's tinkering going on in there to make everything better. I hope there is... like I hope there's little workers in there making everything go back to normal. (I know that sounds silly)
It's been really hard though. Cravings suck and oxy is like the drug of our generation. Sometimes I don't even want to leave my house because I don't want to run into these people who are doing it and then it gives me that itch that I think is what they call a "trigger".
What I love about this forum in particular is that is has helped me so much about learning about withdrawals and PAWS and all those things that any addict should be aware and educated about.
Although I know rehab will be the ultimate help in my recovery journey. I don't want to do inpatient rehab. I have a lot of stuff going on... I don't even have a day off with school and work. (although it's been great at keeping me busy)
My psychologist has been urging me to enter one. I want to go to one kind of near my area that's dual diagnosis. I also have Generalized anxiety disorder along with depression. That is why I want to be able to go to this one in particular.
I think being able to actually go to an outpatient rehab would give me the support I need that I can't get here (in person). Plus it would be nice to recover with people who have been in the same boat as me and it be in person.
Not that I haven't gotten immense support over here :thumbsup:
Opiate addiction is just the worst ever and I feel like it plucked away at my soul so quickly. Like the time went by faster while I was doing it. And when i stop doing it I'm almost left with nothing but sickness and having reality that I had been avoiding being pistol whipped across my face.
So now I'm laying in bed, listening to Bjork's homogenic album and wanting sleep to come. I'm scared it never will.
So my question's for you all lovelies out there is:
Remedies that helped you with the day 8 blues and restlessness?
What has been the top best things/hobbies/anything that has helped you stay clean?
Take care everyone!
Alisa... aka Pinky