Dazed, confused, and frustrated

By ZenobiaSky · Jun 3, 2012 ·
  1. ZenobiaSky
    Where do I begin!!!!! I'm frustrated for many things, biggest one at the moment is I was half way through my blog when I hit I have no clue what button on my laptop, and poof it was gone.

    Of course my attention span is so short that I'm not even sure what I was ranting about... I think it must have been around 1 or so when I finished off the last of the meth that I had. Now it's time to make that decision once again. I'm scared,,, I'm confused.... and I would say I don't know what to do, but I do. But the worst patients are those in the medical field, I can give great advice, just can't seem to follow it myself.

    But seriously if I'm willing to start on a low dose of methotrexate (a chemo drug) once a week to help with my AS symptoms and maybe have a chance at a pain free life, then I should be smart enough to stop doing meth, we all know how bad that shit is. Funny, thought I could control it when I started supplementing my Ritalin with it. And what idiot puts and admitted recovering meth addict on amphetamines anyway!!!! And seriously does not think I'm going to abuse it. Someone who had more faith in me than my addictive personality did.

    I want to listen to people who give advice, but when I'm not sure how ready I am for this, then I shouldn't cry in my soup. That's why I quite posting threads in the forum, yeah thanks for the advice I have no intentions on taking, because I'm a worthless addict. Being on disability does not help, I lose interest in things so quickly, and I probably can't even go back to my true profession unless I do home health, because the tremors have been getting worse,,, yeah like you want me coming in to draw ABG's, can I please make a blind stick into your wrist, which by the way is going to hurt like hell, with my shaky hands in hopes that I hit that artery on the first try and don't have to dig for it.

    Wow sometimes I crack myself up... at least someone finds me funny, even if it is only me (and Flossy the Cow)

    So I suppose, this is one of those times in life where you need to make changes and start a new chapter. What do I do, how do I do it... I just feel like I can't function in the real world. What happens if I gain weight going off meth... I can't handle that, I will go straight into eating disorder mode....

    And seriously.... people with bipolar, really shouldn't do drugs!!!!! Last night I was facing my meth induced mania, at least meth induced is shorter lived than when I purposely induce mania with my Ritalin. Although my roommate love that cause then I clean the house lol.

    I'm one of those people, especially on here, if I respond to someone, I make sure I know the answer, even if that means using my resources to give the best advice and information I can give. Why is it I can't do it for myself....

    I'm just tired... and tired of being tired.... I've got to get my life back in control again. Thank goodness for the small bit of piece I get here... especially writing my blog it's my piece of zen, where there are no worries, no stress, no judgement. Just me and my computer purging the thoughts and feelings that have become toxic to me.....

    I think it's time for my handful of nightly meds... and try to get to sleep before 4am for once. How easy you can get your circadian rhythm screwed up when your life has no purpose.

    One last thought.. I really don't feel as hopeless as I make it seem... sometimes just free writing gets all the negative out, so you have room to be positive.

    Update at 02;40

    Oh yeah and another last thought, I was thinking of starting a group for people with mental illness and one for eating disorders... please I would love to hear your thoughts on thi/7s, and if you would participate in a group like that... just food for thought right now...

    Ok.. I'm about a the end of my rope, somebody please make this pain go away!!!!! Constant back pain that used to be intermittent is becoming a 24/7 thing I just want one day with no pain.. is that too much to ask... no pain, anywhere.... oh please let the methotrexate do what it's supposed.... sorry I just had to whine.... on another note.. you know Netflix is behind on updating movies when it just added "Urban Cowboy" to its collection.

    Update at 04:12
    You would think 450mg of seroquel, 2mg of clonazepam, 800mg of neurontin, 2 lortab 7.5's and whatever else is in my nightly prescribtion pack would knock out a horse, but not me, I'm still awake, running a fever again (I think it may be from the Methotrexate, but not sure).... but for some reason I'm afraid of falling asleep, I don't know why, I just want to sleep.

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