I often look at my father and wonder if there's any hope we'll ever be close. He's not a horrible guy and he's done an awful lot for me but there just doesn't seem to be enough common ground to foster a relationship. When I was younger he was my monster. If my life story were made into a novel he would have been the antagonist of my childhood. He didn't molest me or beat me or anything like that. But he taught me how to hate and how to feel shame. His words did a lot of damage and I still don't think he understands that.
It's become an issue for us now because of his cancer. He's only got about 10 years left and I think we've both just been putting it off up until now. Suddenly, there's a panic to it; a need.
We talked the other day and for a moment I saw him. Underneath everything that made him my polar opposite I could see the scared fucked up little man that we both are. But just as I tried to reach out and connect with it he pulled away. And all at once we were different from each other again. It was as if we were alone; in the same room but a part of two separate universes.
"I love you dad." I wonder if those words will ever mean anything to me.
Dear Drugs-Forum readers: We are a small non-profit that runs one of the most read drug information & addiction help websites in the world. We serve over 4 million readers per month, and have costs like all popular websites: servers, hosting, licenses and software. To protect our independence we do not run ads. We take no government funds. We run on donations which average $25. If everyone reading this would donate $5 then this fund raiser would be done in an hour. If Drugs-Forum is useful to you, take one minute to keep it online another year by donating whatever you can today. Donations are currently not sufficient to pay our bills and keep the site up. Your help is most welcome. Thank you.