On the outside, I have everything going for me...a college undergraduate student with a 3.88 gpa, two jobs on campus, and a paid research internship lined up for this summer. On a personal level, the "addict" part of me loves the thought that he has access to legitimate drugs - amphetamines, xanax, klonopin, and ambien, all prescribed a relatively high doses (2mg each xanax and k-pin, 12.5mg CR Ambien)...I shudder at calling myself what I really am, an addict. Because some part of me had known it was true long before I really was put into circumstances that required this self-awareness.
I'm scared. Last week my psychiatrist sent me a letter in the mail saying that as of July, he would "no longer be seeing medication-only patients," which is what I was for him. No time or money for the extra therapy when the fact of the matter is I know full well that I at some level view this doctor as my drug dealer. The reason he sent me this letter likely has to do with liability issues I'm sure. He also sent a release form for a new psychiatrist that I would be seeing. Effectively writing me off, as if he was aware that he just wasn't making enough money for me to be worth the liability risk for him. I'd pay out of pocket to see him every 3 months of so (over the course of about a year) - just $100, very manageable. I know that doctors may be wising up to potential for addiction, especially for people my age.
Things were perfect. I had the Xanax, the "best" benzo out there, the Klonopin as well for more medically relevant purposes; the Ambien, I don't know what I would do without. Yet I am smart enough to know this is all a lot, that the initial allure of these medications was ever so deceiving. A "high" from Klonopin is groggy tiredness, not too much different with xanax at this point. The Ambien still does what it's supposed to, for the most part. My sleep is still shit, as is my diet and a few other factors related to stress that I won't get into on my first post.
**Please spare any "stay away from benzos" suggestions...I get where that is coming from. It's a bit too late for that now. Physiological changes have occurred. I don't know if I could die from suddenly quitting cold-turkey, which, needless to say, frightens the hell out of me...
What I wanted to do by writing this is just to know that someone is listening. I don't even care that this person is someone I know nothing about, yet it beats what I have around me. I cannot (currently) find the strength to just man up and picture a life without dependency. I can't be sunk yet...I don't abuse the medications, but with such high doses prescribed, I might as well be.
Like I said, I'm terrified of the coming months, the prospect of finding a new doctor that is a) more pricey b) more suspicious (although I am very good at "playing them" at this point) and c) requiring a lengthy period of having to build up trust...
If anyone can offer any words of advice on how they might view my situation, or if they just have any general supportive comments, I could really use them now. I don't know where else to go (do not bring up re-hab, it's not quite THAT bad...and yes, I've been through it to know what it's like). Therapy would help. But unfortunately every therapist has been a waste of my time. I need someone smarter than me. I know how pretentious that sounds, but it is true. When I can predict exactly what is going to come out of their mouths the moment I bring up drugs...I know I've wasted my time.
And perhaps I've wasted my time writing this on here. I hope not. I hope for someone to communicate to me that they know where I'm coming from, that they actually care (as much as one stranger can care about another stranger that they think they might share things in common with). I've read other blogs and have been amazed by the amount of support shown, so I thought I've give it a shot.
Thanks for listening.