Not odd as in purple giraffes or anything like that. Not scary or disturbing, just very real, yet detached. Almost, but not quite tangible. Not always happy events. Initially always detached. For things like 'break up' replays, I'm detached to allow myself to see myself as I truly was, and cannot interfere but can draw new insight into the dynamics of the scene. This helps with closure. Some 'wounds' have been festering for too long.
Sometimes, I've found myself 'immersing' in the dream, whilst presumably dreaming. Last night, whilst also aware of my bedroom.
Aware I'm reliving a dream, aware I'm dreaming, also aware the bedroom isn't quite right. The old LED clock isn't flashing, the time is set correctly.
OK, new thing there. Doesn't seem wrong or disturbing.
Last night, I relived an event that in real life took an hour. I could 'see' from my perspective, but also from a perspective of a well set up outside television broadcast, complete with all the whizzy camera angles.
I could freeze and examine any frame. I could see the car angle, the slides, my foot positions, the steering wheel angle. I could see through my eyes, and those of a camera. Think coverage of the World Rally Championship, except I am the actor, director, camera and viewer.
The actual event was very real. Many closed roads due to snowfall. The majority of drivers unable to leave the end of their streets. The main road was cordoned off, but no enforcement of the closure. Tens of miles of side roads to play on as well. YIPPEE!
That whole event took place for real, took a couple of hours for real. I relived it in five minutes, according to the difference between the time shown on the clock at the start, and the time shown on my watch.
I had to get up at 02:00 as I'd developed gastric reflux and a visit to the toilet followed by antacids called.
Back to bed at around 03:00 and straight into another dream/recall. This time, an entire day!. It was to a manufacturers track day at a small, but highly regarded track.
The manufacturer has brought mostly their race rep bikes, but had also brought their new 'dual-purpose' and their new middle weight twin, for new riders and novices....
Nobody wanted the little bike. I tried the supersport stuff, but they're not my type of bike. Get on the little bike, and I flew for the afternoon.
I remember -every- lap from that day. Nothing about getting there and back, but every lap is seared in high definition, surround sound recall.
I handed the little bike back and a salesman took over. He showed me the bike had a bloody lap counter, activated by an additional cost dongle, and showed me my last session. I'd have qualified front row for MiniTwins. On road tyres. I do know my racecraft on the bike lags far behind my riding skills, which is why I taught. Those that can do, those that can't teach. For an instant then, and for an instant today, I wanted to race MiniTwins or OldStox.
I remember every lap. Every one. Every mid- corner overtake I made. That bike could not be put off line mid-corner. The traction felt from it, and it's stability when less than two tyres were in touch with the ground. I remember how the foot pegs ground, and unlike my bike, it didn't try to spit me off when they first touch. How it could roll onto it's side faster than anything shy of a full tilt race rep.
I remember that bike so well. I tried for three months afterwards to finance one!. I even remember that.
That whole day, plus remembering scouring to find finance took less than half an hour. It was so realistic.
Lately, I've having a few dreams like this. Mostly very happy, then sometimes a real 'reflective' moment, such as former partners, or how you've sunk to new lows, or making sense of what drove you down in the first place.
Sometimes it feels like part of me is bringing back happy stuff so I'm in a good mood so it can then hit me with some heavy mental baggage, knowing I'm in a good frame of mind.
Sure enough, tangible fractions of past are swirling. Some hove to view, but today isn't the day. One or two have hove to and been examined.
I think I'm coming to terms. Fragments from my past I couldn't deal with then, are being dealt with now. This has lead to a feeling of filling in some blanks. It has also lead to some very self-critical analysis where I have had to intervene to remind myself it is a passed, past event. I can only make sense of it, understand it, see where it led to. I cannot affect the outcome. I can affect my perception of the outcome as was, by re-reading with fresh eyes. I can now put a spin on things.
Events replayed and watched afresh, but with the new ability to introduce a 'what if' actor to the scene. Hours of therapy conducted by the amazing sleep process. Each time that happens, I feel a little closer to recovery.
Dreams, keep in the box marked odd.
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